it's all just shit

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by poodle, Apr 30, 2009.

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  1. poodle

    poodle Member

    I was discharged yesterday after spending 3 months on a psych ward.
    For various reasons I wasn't entirely honest about how I was feeling and the thoughts I've been having at the discharge meeting.

    It's my own fault... I know.

    I find myself now scared for my life because the feelings have been so overwhelming today. Thoughts of going to the train tracks.

    I thought I was over the suicidal feelings and thoughts.

    Fucking bastard. I really fucking hate my life right now.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Do you know what's bringing on these thoughts? Did being in the hospital help at all?
  3. poodle

    poodle Member

    I think it's cos I'm angry and all of the anger is internalised. I find it difficult to show my anger.

    I turn it in and self harm, binge, very occasionally starve... basically punish myself has hard as I can.

    I have a personality disorder and my moods bounce up and down quickly. I find this very hard to cope with.

    Hospital helped some. It stopped me from killing myself. Although one time I escaped and ended up on the railway tracks.

    that's why I'm scared. I'm scared that in a fit of anger I'll rush out into traffic, or run onto a railway track. It's the impulse control I guess I'm worried about.

    but I don't want to go back into hospital. It's a horrible place.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Have they given you any options for therapy now that you're out of the hospital?

    Have you tried other ways of expressing your anger, other than hurting yourself? I know just venting, writing it out, helps for some people, but not everyone. Listening to loud music can help, going for a run, using a punching bag ... these don't work for everyone, but they do help some people.
  5. poodle

    poodle Member

    my psych thinks I've had enough therapy and that it's time to concentrate on the here and now.

    I had a year in a residential unit with intensive psychotherapy followed by four years outpatient weekly psychotherapy. then I had 10 wks of CBT (which was rubbish and I can't remember and I've put the sheets somewhere and I can't find them)

    but am seeing my gp on friday and my support worker has said i should ask him about therapy to see if i can get any through him.

    i am too fat and unfit to run. i am just waiting for some wounds to heal before i can go swimming, which i find quite good for wearing myself out.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Oooh yeah, swimming is awesome. I'd pick that over running any day.

    I hope you can get some therapy through your GP. You've been through a lot, and they should still provide you with some sort of support network.
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I can relate to you a bit about fear of my own anger. I was afraid to express my anger and so I just bottled it up, cut myself and stuff. I did so much therapy (including going to a school that specialized in therapy stuff) that now I'm just about tired of re-telling my story to everyone.

    I can be angry now but I'm always afraid to express it.

    I'm overweight too and I found that when I do some gym work I feel the beginning its hard but by day three I feel alot better...writing is also a great tool for me...

    maybe you can ask your counselor for alternatives of expressing anger...
  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member


    Just let it out.

    It sucks after being taken care of (Even if the hospital is horrible, at least you were not alone). I have come out of the hospital and always feel a little suicidal because I really don't want to deal with my emotions on my own.

    I think what you are going through is kind of normal after discharge, but you need to really try and take it easy right now. I think doing anything remotely nice for yourself will go a long way right now.

    You can get through this, I can tell by what you write that you are a fighter, even if it is hard and you don't want to all the time. And if things get really bad, you can always go back to the hospital , you have that choice.

    As for the impulses, I find it best to write them out when they strike and ask yourself what it is you are trying to communicate by acting out, sometimes just figuring out what it is you need and want to say is the hardest part. Whenever I cut, or purge or hurt myself in some way, I usually do it because I am unable to verbalize a feeling or need, so don't beat yourself up about the impulses, just try and focus on what it is you really need or want, try to get as honest with yourself as possible. It is normal to be angry, sad, happy or whatever you are feeling, it really is okay. It is also normal to need and want people to care for and about you, and when that doesn't always happen, I think that is when the anger feels so consuming.

    It sounds like you have some options in front of you, I hope you can figure out how to use them so you can make it through the next few days at least.

    Keep writing to us, I would love to hear how you are doing.

  9. poodle

    poodle Member

    I am sure that being discharged has something to do with feeling like this.

    I didn't sleep well again last night. Problem is I won't let myself close my eyes. My mind works over time and I can't switch off. It's only when I'm exhausted that I sleep. My psych said that no on ever died from lack of sleep, so I just have to put up with it. The sleepers don't work, so she took me off them.

    thanks so much for your support. it means a lot to explore these feelings and have people listen and understand.

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