its all new and very real

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gonzo84, Nov 30, 2010.

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  1. gonzo84

    gonzo84 New Member

    hi, ive never been on a forum like this before, and i dont know what to say..

    but im reaching out, im lost and dont know where to turn,
    i have no real close family or friends, or anybody to speak to.

    ive been having suicidal thoughts most of the year, but i thought thats all it was,

    ive had a very hard year and battled on through, but yesterday i walked to my local woods and sat upon the viaduc for allmost 3 hours, we have 2 foot of snow and the weather ben very bad, but that didnt detur me,

    i sat and willied my self to just jump, just do it, get it over with,
    no body will me miss me surely? im only in the background to all.

    again today i walked to the very end of my local pier and watched the sea for an hour, wishing it was easy,,, just walked out and off the end, it will be over quickly surely?

    i want to be at one, and to finally go home,

    i dont cope with christmas period very well, and never have, and i fear this may be the last one i spend around,

    2mora again im goin to head down the the seafront, and go from there,
    its very real, and im scared.. i dont know what to do or where to turn,
  2. nobody man

    nobody man Well-Known Member

    Well it's great that you came here and said what you said because that means part of you still wants to live. I think we all know suicide is not the answer but it remains such a tantalizing option. You have to be strong. Just stick around this forum for another day or two, read what people have to say and discuss your feelings with them... I can't imagine one person here who wouldn't listen to your problems. Just don't do anything drastic. Please. You can make it through this.
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    :welcome: to the forum gonzo. We're glad you're hear, and yet feeling so sad right now. I too, would like to encourage you to stick around and chat for a while. It can be quite helpful sometimes to just get whatevers bugging ya off your chest. We're pretty good about listening too.

    Please take good care, and I hope you'll talk this through.
  4. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you reached out to sf - it's a big step to take. Take all the support you are given.
  5. gonzo84

    gonzo84 New Member

    hi guys, thank you for such quick replys,

    im really at my end now, and the fear is so real,

    ive lasted out this last whole year, and nothing has improved, things are just worse off,

    im not an open person so dont know where to begin,

    i feel nobody close to me cares, and the people whom do know how i feel,
    seem to only care about what it will do to them rather than what im going through, i get called selfish, which i dont see? if i want to die why should i hang around, and be misreable day in day out, a cast of whom i used to be, just so they dont have to suffer? and it wont last long, they will soon move on, and put it behinde them,

    ive thought about writting letters to certain people, for when ive gone,
    but then again i wouldnt know what to say, or even if i should.

    all i know right now is 2mora may be my last day around,
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    You know hon any place is a good place to start when it comes to sharing. I'm sorry as though it seems like no one in your life cares. I've been there too. Suffice it to say I've found new and healthier friends to be around. It's been pretty helpful so far.

    Just an fyi there's no right or wrong thing to say and how you're feeling leans neither way either. I say this in hopes you'll feel ok just enough to know you don't need to worry about what you need to share even if it comes out in small bites. They're all good steps forward towards recovery :) .
  7. gonzo84

    gonzo84 New Member

    ive just cut my whrist, its bleeding but not that deep,
    it was so hard to do, i dont think i can again, i just closed my eyes,
    and pulled, :(

    ive also tried to hang myself 2nite aswell, but paniced at the last minute when my eyes went blurry and i felt unconciuness comming on.

    why crnt i be strong enough to just push through :(
  8. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    wow, id never have the courage to try and hang myself since i read people say it build pressure in your eyes and feels like hell, Im such a nerd
    I feel the same, I also tested my wrists and concluded peaty quickly theirs a long way to my death and it wont go throw my wrists.
    Am also really wanting to deliver myself badly, like whats the point of living a life of hopes while looking at yourself only get worst, I think there r some non turning back points in ones life and if you passed them ...well its batter to die while you still have some dignity left.
    Hope its not taken as a personal encouragement for anyone to do it, just my opinion mostly regarding my life and experience.
  9. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry>

    needed to add, that the selfishness goes both ways, and they seam pretty ugly souls to say that to you, you r right your life is worth much more than being alive for their comfort and in your detriment.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 30, 2010
  10. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    all i know right now is 2mora may be my last day around,[/QUOTE]

    I hope it isn't and that you stay here
  11. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Oh hun,
    right you need some sort of help, it will make you feel better. . . although i know it probably feels like it is never gonna get better. . . it can do, you can smile and feel happy again but it will be a struggle; one you don't deserve to have to make but those moments WILL be worth it.
    You don't sound selfish at all. . .rather in the need of a hug :hugtackles:
    I hope you are still here tomorrow, although i do like going to the seaside, the water gives me a feeling of calm as though i can think a bit clearer.
    There is a reason why you are here, no matter how difficult it may appear at the moment,
    Sending hugs and hope in that you can fight this. . .look at who you can be or who you were, it will be enough to give you the strength.
    Lots of love
  12. gonzo84

    gonzo84 New Member

    some very nice people. thank you guys n girls,

    i hope things are strong for you all

    ive wrote a few letters 2night, one to my mam, my ex.
    i really dont know anyone else to say things to,

    im going to take 2morow as it comes, my plans are for a walk on the beach, then along the pier, then go from there
  13. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Well i'll keep hoping you come back from the walk; skim a stone for me please! it has been ages since i went to the beach!
    Just let us know that you are ok. . . we wanna hear from you,
    also wrap up warm; it is freezing anyways,
    take care of yourself and be in touch.
    You deserve better,
    you can do it :)
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