It's all to much...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by paradoxrip, Dec 29, 2009.

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  1. paradoxrip

    paradoxrip Member

    Hi,

    I originally posted this to depression forum. But it was meant for here.
    I'm new, I guess don't know where else to turn. I feel this is my last place to express my despair. Currently i am paralyzed by depression.

    My life has crashed and burned in the span of 6 months. I'm very depressed and getting closer and closer to doing something stupid. I really can't take much more to be honest.

    I'm 42 and I have lost everything, AND i mean EVERYTHING. My job, my wife, my house, my kids, and a possible conviction.

    6 months ago I was making 120k a year had a beautiful wife and kids a large house. Everything was fine. Complacent you might say. Then everything changed and I can't pull out of this nose dive.
    I've lost a great sales job and I'm having trouble finding another. I'm currently collecting unemployment. My wife separated from me and I have just found out (Christmas eve) she's been having an affair with my best friend. The betrayal from my friend and my wife is almost too much to take. I've been in a state of crushing depression now since Christmas eve. I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm trying to keep it together because I love my 2 daughters soooo much, but the pain is starting to outweigh everything else. I don't know what to do.

    I want to keep my family together and my wife is confused and doesn't know what she wants. I want to forgive her but I don't know if I can. I'm so hurt when they both (my wife and my x-friend) knew how hard of time I was having. It's like they conspired to push me to the brink. I feel like i'm just waiting for that last straw to fall. I've been talking to a counselor and my Pastor but I get very little comfort, suggestions or answers. Sleep is getting harder and harder to do, 3-4 hours a night. I have very dark dreams and nightmares. I really feel it's just a matter of time now.

    Suggestions? lol. I've never done anything like this but there's little else to do at this point. Turning to an online forum i believe is my last outlet.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to SF. I'm glad you found this site. I'm 45 and can relate to so much of what you are saying, going through and feeling. It just seems to pile up day after day and no matter what or how hard you try to pick away at the pile, it only gets larger and more difficult.

    Please keep posting. Being able to be truly honest about what is happening and the suicidal thoughts and urges in itself can be such a huge first step in getting back to where you want to be. It's so hard in real life to find someone that you can share all this with. Someone that will listen, understand and not judge. That's what you will get here. People who understand exactly how you feel and want to help with advice and support. So please keep posting. Try it and you'll see that letting that weight go will free you up so that you can start to see other options.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just wanted to welcome you to SF and echo what Itmahanh already said. Please keep posting, keep reaching out. You will find friendship and support here, people who care and who have been through similar situations.
     
  4. unnati

    unnati Member

    just starting forgeting everything ... and feel like u r reborn in this world.. n do take care of ur two little angel daughter so that u will feel better... and about ur wife u have to think about it..

    but don't take any wrong decision... and rememer u r the only to take care of ur daughters...
    :IrishDoll:
     
  5. paradoxrip

    paradoxrip Member

    Thank you all for the replies they are helpful. I will continue to post. I'm really so out of it. I can't barely get out of bed. Everyday seems to blur into the next. This is like a nightmare I can't wake up from. So much anger, hate and pain. It's consuming me with so much time on my hands I can't focus on anything else. :(
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's okay to vent, to let that pain out. I don't know if it will help, but it might!
     
  7. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    The dark dreams and nightmares. The anger, pain, and hate.

    These are not new concepts to me, and I'm sure that they will rear their ugly heads once more.

    The best, no the only thing I can tell you is just keep living. Yes its hard, its scary, the ways to go may open up everywhere around you. You have kids that still love their father very much and are probably in a confused and hurt place as well. Their solid family had been torn apart, and who knows how it deep it will run?

    I know people suggest that you shouldn't live for another person, but if all else fails, think of your kids. They still need their father, and they love you so very much.

    Hell, I hate my dad but I can never stop loving him.

    If you need a shoulder, you can lean on us :) Hang in there, you will get through this in one piece.
     
  8. paradoxrip

    paradoxrip Member

    Thanks Confuzzle!

    I just don't know which way to proceed. A part of me wants her back and the family to be together again. The other part, the dominating part is so bitter. So hurt. So ANGRY. So humiliated. Wants to leave the state and never see her ever again.

    I just don't know if I can forgive something so unthoughtful and deceitful. With what my ex- best friend did in all of this is downright EVIL. At one point I swore I was going to kill him. I could have. I really could have. Kill him then myself. That was the grand plan. But that whole process is so not me. Before this whole debacle I was a very loving person and an amazing father. I spoil my girls 7 and 5 with love and gifts. They are my world. They are everything to me. Now with my wife gone I see them part time and I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. I can't stand being away from my girls sometimes days at a time, and I really despise my wife from forcing me into this situation.

    I'm just so confused. The spritual side says forgive. The vengful side says to hate. Over everything else I just wish i could get some good news about something. About anything. When it rains it pours. It's been pouring for 6 months now with no end in site. I'm just getting tired. Emotionally and physically. Like I said it seems like I'm just waiting for the last straw. :(

    Good night all & have a happy New Year.

    Sincerely

    Steve
     
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