It's all too much.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mibani, Jun 15, 2013.

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  1. Mibani

    Mibani Member

    I came home after visiting family who treated me like dirt throughout my whole stay... and I find that everyone is against me. My boyfriend isn't speaking to me in the way he used to... in fact, he wouldn't even talk to me. He'd only throw text at me (Skype messages) and play our favorite video game together. We'll call him A.

    So I talked to my darling... Who's my "Man on the side". We're the two who are already committed to other people but wanted some spice and romance, so came to each other for a fling and ended up in love. We'll call him R.

    Now, A and R were friends, and didn't know what was going on, and I was happy about that.

    That's not why I'm here.

    R and I usually talk.. and when I asked for a time we could talk, he gave me one. I came back around then and asked if he wanted to do something. A few minutes later he tells me he was just off to bed. I knew what he was doing because I do it too. He was trying to avoid me. He didn't wanna be around me. He probably had lost interest and was with his girlfriend- that hurt a lot. I love him to death...

    I was playing a game with A and he was... being very offensive and generally mean. Then he flat out insulted me... and I wanted to cry. So I made a decision and quit the game and fully uninstalled the addiction that I had for 2 years now. It's worse for me than heroine to an addict.

    And then, I really came to the conclusion. After me being out of their lives for a month... they realized they didn't need me. That the only people in my life that I cared about.. didn't want me anymore. So I'm currently having an aggressive emotionally turned fight with A... And...

    I want to break up with him. I want to snap all ties I've ever had to this stupid life... And just.. start over. As a new person.

    I want to die. Start over. Or, if it wont start it all over... at least let me have some peace. If afterlives exist.. I'm going to hell. I hope the doors are open.

    I don't know if I have the courage. But I'm going to read some of the stuff on the forums and find a real reason to go.

    Goodnight, SF. You've been here for me through thick and thin. I love you all. Whether or not I go through with it... May be up to A.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 15, 2013
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in a bad place right now. It is too bad your visit was not happier - and hardly surprising if gone a month things were not all the same as when you left as soon as you returned. So far as things when you left or what you want them to be like I am unsure- you seem to want to hold onto a boyfriend that is not meeting your emotional needs, an extra thing with somebody else that is causing you pain and potential to cause all others pain but upset if he is pulling back from it after a month.

    The idea you may benefit from considering what or in what manner these relationships should continue is not a bad idea and likely one that deserves more thought - at least in the area of making sure all are aware of the terms and nature of things and that it is not a relationship of exclusivity.

    So far as the last statement -
    - that is just 100% BS. What you do or do not do is up to you and he bears no responsibility on that decision at all - that is all up to you and trying to imply it is somebody else's fault in the situation you described is simply wrong.
     
  3. Mibani

    Mibani Member

    Alright, Day two.

    I haven't gone through with it, if you couldn't tell. It's all going a bit better now.

    I've saved A's life, and now he's saved mine. We cried together for about an hour last night. Really made me remember why I fell for him. I tripped.

    ...He found that funny...
     
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