It's all too much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BlueDragon, Dec 5, 2014.

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  1. BlueDragon

    BlueDragon Member

    It's just all too much, extreamly bad depression, realationship problems, money problems, health problems and familey problems. Think I've got a full house of chaos. I cant face any of it, I wouldn't even know where to start. So I'm going to leave this world.

    I think the final straw was last night when I found out I wont be seeing my son over christmas. He lives with his dad, cos my depression was so bad I couldnt look after him. But now his dad's stopping me from seeing him and the only way I'd be able to is if I drag him through the courts. Which of course wouldn't work as they'd just say I'm mental, so I cant see him.

    But I've got my plan and I'm setting it into place. I dont really know why I'm writing on her, guess I just wanted a little rant.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome

    I understand you're in pain and suffering and must feel somewhat isolated and misunderstood but please stay for your little boy. He won't always be little and when he's older he will make up his own mind. From the tone of your post I get the vibe you feel much guilt about your illness, please don't, you didn't ask for it. It just happened, just like any illness can affect anyone. I know the holidays are rough but please get through them safely, who have you got for support?
  3. BlueDragon

    BlueDragon Member

    I havn't got much support anymore. My lovely hubby is compleatly broken from all of this and we argue alot. He cant help me cos I'm just too broken. My parents don't understand me at all, we just kinda annoy each other. I dont have many friends, we've all just drifted apart. There's no one I feel I can turn to.

    Although I was only having my son during the school holidays at least I got to see him. People say that children is a reason not to kill yourself, but I dont see that if you can never see them again. I wasnt good for him. He once told one of my friends "Mummy wants to die" and I knew I just couldnt put him through that. I feel that everyone will be better off without me around because I'm just too much of a problem.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I understand not wanting your son to suffer this with you but if you were gone he'd be suffering more. You need to build up a support network with people that understand .

    I could tell my brother all day about my depression and anxiety and he still wouldn't understand, depression is treatable and that's why there are psychiatrists because you can get better. Do not self diagnose or self medicate, just take each day as it comes however hard that may be and like I said earlier find a support system and you will feel a lot better, it can work if you make the effort.

    We are always here for you too.
  5. Bart

    Bart Banned Member


    Things can change, maybe not overnight or in the very near future, but still in time to make a difference. And it's the difference you can make to your boy's life that is vital. I too felt broken a few months ago. I really thought that my brain had gone beyond a point of no return, but I'm still here and better than I was then. So, it can be done.

    Well worth a try, and so long as there's a glimmer of hope, your boy will thank you for being around.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Also, I appreciate how difficult it is for you to talk about this. You are a very brave woman x
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Your son will be broken if you kill yourself.

    Families never recover from suicide, do you really want your son to go through this?

    Sorry to guilt trip you but death is the finality no one can undo it.
  8. BlueDragon

    BlueDragon Member

    To DrownedFish; I wont make too much differnce to my son. I havnt lived with him for 2 years and now I cant see him. So it will go from not seeing me, to not seeing me. Am I just suposed to hang around in hell for 10 years and see if he wants to see me when he's allowed to choose? Dosnt seem a very good long term plan.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Blue, with all due respect we're just trying to help because we care, we're not trying to upset you, we're here battling the battle with you. Of course we could argue as to whether its fair or not for you to suffer 10 years to see what he chooses, but as far as I'm concerned all we're trying to do is keep you alive and well and not sad and lonely. Big hugs :hug:
  10. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Hi your in lots of pain. You feel no way out. I resonate with that I do! Yet you have posted here. That can give a small tiny bit of hope. Please consider to hold on even for a day or 2. It may be worth it. And your son no matter how you view your relationship at this time he would be devastated by the loss. That in iteself may not be the whole reason for you to "consider" pausing a moment but it can be a part of the reason. Situations can change. People change. Life can move on. You can get support here. Speaking about your feelings can help. Please keep posting. This is exactly what this website is for.
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    It sounds like it's not your sons fault but his father that's keeping you from seeing your son. Don't give up. Write letters and call your son if that's possible? Make compromise with his father. If can't then take it to court.

    Dont give up, you're not alone
  12. BlueDragon

    BlueDragon Member

    Well, it's the morning and I'm still here. Going to go back to my hubby to continue this life of pain, misery and suffereing. He didn't want me to die, so we'll just hate each other till my body gets the idea that my soul has died and follows. I don't want to try, I don't want to do anything, I'm just waiting, like I have been for most of my life.
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Very sorry you are still suffering bluedragon, if I could take away your pain and suffering I would but I can't but I can offer a friendly listening ear, you can talk to me any time :hug:

    Best of luck with everything.
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