It's almost over

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fernando2826, Sep 27, 2015.

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  1. Fernando2826

    Fernando2826 Member

    I have a plan, a note, the means and the will.

    As a trainee doctor, I know exactly how to kill myself efficiently and as painlessly as possible.

    Life is no longer worth it.

    Am I able to discuss plans?
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2015
  2. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Fernando, this is a pro-life forum and we do not discuss methods or plans of suicide here. Our main aim is to help people who are in pain and suffering. Would you be able to say a bit more about what brought you to this point and what thoughts and feelings you have right now?
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Fernando, as cicade said above, this is a pro life forum and the discussion of suicide notes/methods/means etc.. is not permitted here. I think the best thing you could do is talking to us about why you are feeling this way and what has brought you to this point in your life! I hope thingsimprove for you soon.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Hi Fernando - trainee doctor - wow! Well done you. That is really impressive. No methods or plans here - but you can tell us why you feel so suicidal? What is going on with you? I know it doesn't seem like talking about it is going to solve anything - and maybe it doesn't - but it doesn't hurt to try.
  5. Fernando2826

    Fernando2826 Member

    11 years of depression, severe OCD, anxiety and self-hatred. I have a history of two previous attempts. The first was half-hearted and spontaneous, the second concerted - an intentional and severe <mod edit - method>. The paramedics who attended told me <mod edit - method details> that I was "lucky to be alive", I felt otherwise.

    A year ago, almost to the day, my girlfriend, with whom I was expecting to spend my life, left me for another man. Our time together represented the only period for which I had felt any measure of happiness or self-worth, following an autocratic and extremely disciplined childhood.

    When she left me, so did any appreciation of life or hope for the future.

    The last year has been the hardest of my life. Everything is meaningless; the sadness is never ending. Life is without purpose or aim, just mindless hedonism, which may be enough for some, but fails to fulfill me in any way. I can no longer stand the thoughts in my head or the sight of the reflection in the mirror.

    Sleep is my only escape - suicide is a logical choice from this point, not a distortion or perversion.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2015
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I am sorry about your girlfriend - breakups are horrible - beyond horrible. But things can and do get better - only if you are alive to let them though. I know it feels like suicide is the logical answer - it always does to the suicidal. But it isn't true. What treatment are you getting at the moment?
  7. Fernando2826

    Fernando2826 Member

    It is true - we all have to die sometime, why not on my own terms and at a time of my choosing? Perhaps 25 is just my time.

    No treatment - 8 antidepressant medications and years of psychodynamic therapy have done nothing.
  8. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I would argue that that isn't true. You are now at the point that you have decided you are going to kill yourself - while maybe the medication and therapy did not "fix everything" they were apparently keeping you from the edge for the most part. I tried a whole bunch of anti depressants before I found one that worked - just stopping isn't the answer.

    25 is not "your time" - yes everyone has to die sometime, but being with your girlfriend made you happier - that proves that "happier" is an option. I am sorry that ended badly and I know how painful that can be - it is not to be under estimated at all - but she isn't the only girl in the world.

    See a doctor - get back on medication and back in therapy. If you are not currently doing everything possible to get better/feel better then it is entirely illogical to decide it can never get better.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    On the outside it would seem you have everything to live for, a trainee DOCTOR, you MUST be very clever, you are 25, young and free. On the inside you are hurting like hell and that is the side you must show to your doctor when you see him/her. You need to get help and you probably know you need professional help but have decided suicide is the answer; it is not the answer to anything in this world.

    I'm just a bit older than you at 26 and I have ruined my body from overdoses, I'm only 26, have an endocrinologist, urologist,gastro-whatever its called lol Had I not overdosed I would be much healthier. Please take my word that it's not the answer. As a trainee doctor you know the lasting effects of what may happen. I am not trying to giveyou a lecture I am just saying please do not attempt as help is out there, it is real and you can benefit from it. ((hugs))

    It took me roughly 7 years of trying medications out until I found the suitable ones, it was a long hard road but I got there and have been depression free for about a year now. You can do this too.
  10. Fernando2826

    Fernando2826 Member

    There will be no lasting effects of the method I have in mind - it cannot fail.

    I've been trying medications for around 10 years without resolution or improvement of any kind.

    Suicide is just another choice, no less legitimate than choosing to live. I always show my grief to my doctors but in my area there is a 6 month waiting list to see a psychiatrist and no drugs which actually alleviate my symptoms. It's not worth enduring anymore.

    More than anything, my issue is my appearance - my gf left me for a much better looking guy and is why she left - I can't bear to see it in the mirror anymore. I won't.

    Tomorrow I get hold of the drugs I need and that is it.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    OK- do you think you would be suicidal if you were still with your girlfriend? And in saying that I am really sorry your girlfrind left you feeling devastated, break ups are always hard. Your confidence has no doubt been shattered.

    You say there is a 6 month waiting period to see the psychiatrist, where do you get your medications if not a psychiatrist?

    I also suffer with issues with my appearance, I was once under weight, im now obese. God I hate that word but yeah I am obese and I think that is why I cannot get a boyfriend. I have been trying but oh well, society is very, very vain.

    If something could make you feel better what do you think that something would be?
  12. Fernando2826

    Fernando2826 Member

    Sorry - 6 month wait for a psychologist - anyone to actually talk to.

    There is nothing that can make me feel better. She chose him over me because of his looks. Short of carving up my face, there is nothing that can be done to change it.
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I really feel for you. You can talk to us here, I know it's not the same but we are a very well run peer to peer site and there willa almost always be someone online to talk to, we also have a chatroom here. You are in a state of despair right now, please never act on your thoughts when feeling so negative and down.

  14. Fernando2826

    Fernando2826 Member

    I pray to God in the hope that I will have the courage to act now.

    I won't continue my life looking like a monster.
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    No fernando please don't. Keep talking to us, we have been there we know what it's like, it is hell. Please don't harm yourself. I am glad to have met you today you seem like a lovely person with a lot to offer the world.
  16. Fernando2826

    Fernando2826 Member

    If I don't, I shall only regret it a year from now, as I regret not succeeding last time.
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    There is no possible way to know that for sure. I think you should go the hospital or contact the crisis nurse at the hospital, get off and seek medical attention. While we will always support you it's not a substitute for professional help. Is there a friend you can call, a family member, anyone?
  18. Fernando2826

    Fernando2826 Member

    I want this. Our society believes that people should live on indefinitely. That's perverse. I shan't continue to suffer like this, I won't.

    As I said, there is nothing that can be done about the way I look. I can't deal with it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2015
  19. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi there Fernando from one medical brain to another! I myself am a registered nurse and have had mental health issues for as long as I remember. I am diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder so you can imagine how tough juggling this horrible illness is with working a stressful but rewarding job.

    I have recently been toying with the only idea that suicide is the only logical option to escaping this illness. Most days for the past 9 months I have been plagued with wanting to die, plans, methods etc. I think one of my problems is that I think that meds and therapy will "fix" me but in reality that's not very realistic. Therapy gives you the tools to make living your life with mental illness manageable and meds lessen the symptoms to some degree, but it doesn't cure us, it helps us make our lives manageable and its up to us to use those tools to manage our lives with MI the best we can. The answer is not meds and therapy, it's not going to "solve", "fix" or "cure" anything. Some times accepting this enables you to move on. I'm currently at the acceptance stage but not sure how I move on with this. I am going to put more onus onto meditation and alternate therapies to see if I can find my own "philosophy" and really learn what my illness means to me and see if I can move forward. You are a trainee doctor, you are obviously intelligent and you must have some sort of compassion within you to want to do a job that helps others. Maybe you should look into self-compassion and self soothing. It's very helpful if you are very critical of yourself and self loathing.

    I hope you take some time to consider this post because I don't think you are the lost cause that you think you are. Lost at the minute and at a crossroads yes, but things don't have to be this bad forever.
  20. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Fernando, do you realize how desperately people like you are needed in this world? People with the brains, desire and heart to be a doctor. The time you have to wait to see a psychiatrist is totally unacceptable! Same for the time people are forced to wait to see other physicians. You are a good way along the road to doing your part to change that. A doctor trainee. Wow!

    I truly hope you are here a year from now to tell us how you are doing. Please don't let the actions of your girlfriend lead to your death. It would be a tremendous loss. And as others have said, it can take years to find the right med. And the med might not be the total cure. CBT may help, as would trying new things in life until you come on the one that makes you really want to get up in the morning. I believe there is one of those out there for all of us.

    Please take care.
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