Its almost time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dustin, May 3, 2010.

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  1. dustin

    dustin Banned Member

    This has been inevitable for quiet some time.

    It started when I got back from active duty. I was enlisted reserves, so I had to do the civilian thing and do the army on the weekends. That didn't work out. After Active duty nothing in the civilian world meant anything, it seemed so fake. I spent a lot of time doing something we weren't allowed to do on base - research the war. After I saw what everything was really about, and the insane numbers of civilian casualties, I came to hate the military, and eventually requested a discharge, which was granted. But despite this I was still completely apathetic to the civilian world.

    I can't hold a job. For years I have been purposefully ending any and all friendships I had. I try to come off as as big of an asshole as I can, to make it easier for them to leave me behind. Sick, but I have had this thing in my mind where I want as few people at my funeral as possible. I tell them that I am drunk most of the time, act like a drunk, but in fact I rarely drink, I just don't want to admit that I have become so apathetic towards life that I've been planning my own death. Everything I do or have I have no problem giving up because in the back of my mind there is always 'It doesn't matter, you won't be alive long anyway.'

    Well, I'm almost there. The only people who are still in my life is my mother who is so persistent in staying with me and her boyfriend who isn't such a bad guy. They will be the only ones at my funeral, and I hate what I am about to do to them. But I cannot keep living like this just for their sake. In the long run it will be more painful for them - Given time these wounds will heal.

    So rent is due in a couple days, don't have the money because I quit my job for absolutely no reason, I have no food and I have been living off of a bottle of pancake syrup and water. I need to clean out my apartment so that there is less work for whoever ends up taking care of all that.

    Why am I posting this? I don't know. Of course I'm scared, but if I don't then life is going to keep going this way for me, and at this point I've got myself in a position where it's death or the homeless life, which i'm not too keen on. I just really, really hate that the pain I am going to put my family through. But I'm sure watching me live on the streets wouldn't be easy for them either. At least they will get over this, with time.

    I really wish I had a gun. Would make this easier. Think I'm going to have to go out to the bridge over the railroad and jump off. I hope that tall enough! :p If I lived through it that wouldn't be good. Maybe I could get down to the casino and jump off of their parking garage, that has to be at least five stories.

    ANYWAY, It was good to voice this, I've never admitted this to anyone and to get it out into the great wide anonymous internet makes what I'm about to do a bit easier. Let someone know just how bad apathy can ruin your life. Yeah, see you on the other side.

    - D
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey D welcome to the forums!! You don't want to do this to your mom.. Can't you move in with them for a while??You need help so going to the ER would be the first step.. Tell them you are suicidal and they will send in a mental health worker to see you.. Once you get your point across that you are going to commit then they will admit you..Get some help.. With you being a veteran you can also go to the VA..Suicicide is not the answer.. I have been suicidal since I was thirteen.. I am fifty three now.. I have had three attempts in my life.Obviously I failed..I have been in therapy for five years and it keeps me going..I won't try again unless something major happens..So far that hasn't happened..I use my coping skills everyday to keep me sane..Please put this out of your head and get the help..The VA can probably help you get SSI so you have some money coming in to help you put a roof over your head..Take Care and Stay Safe!!!
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Definietly call Veteran lines okay that is why they are there to help the people who have help their country for so long. Stay strong okay use that fighter mentality and get help their is no shame in reaching out to stay strong. You depend on each other to keep strong so reach out now to veteran lines and talk and get in to hospital so you can get strong okay just do it
     
  4. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    A friend of ours was in Vietnam, and really hasn't been able to work since. He is on disability and assistance through the VA, and even qualifies for extra because of depression. In fact he has bought a house in Montana, and is able to pay his bills, buy food, etc.

    So, you don't need to be homeless. When you get to a certain point, I know it's hard to even try to find the answers, but there are some out there.

    As far as your mom getting over it? No, she won't. That's one thing I learned after reading the stories of people who have lost loved ones to suicide. They don't get over it. Ever. Not only the pain of losing a loved one, but the guilt, etc., of thinking they should have been able to help you.

    Please find some help. We are here if you want to talk.
     
  5. minime

    minime Well-Known Member

    Welcome! I am new here, too and was at my wit's end but I found that venting here helps me a lot. I hope and pray you can find some comfort and relief in these forums.
     
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