Suicide. It is without question always the first and last thought I have everyday. Sometimes, it's just a momentary thought of "how much happier i would be if I just didn't exist." Then there are times when that thought consumes me and so many different plans, actions, and consequences start to unfold. Am I insane, for just not seeing the point to this whole mascaraed called life? To me, life is nothing more than constantly striving to get more of something only to get it and not have time to enjoy it. We are always striving for something else, something more, something different, something better, something new! And for what? What is the point of it all? I really want to go through with it, suicide that is, but I'm too cowardly to leave behind the people that depend on me. When I get deeply sad and am seriously on the verge of acting on it, all I can think about is the people that I am going to shock and let down. Some might say that is a noble way to be, but I think it's a shame that someone can have that much hold over my life that I'm forced to have the will to live when it is obvious... oh, I don't know. Some days, I am completely content with the humdrum normal chaos that is my life and then other days that same humdrum, normal chaos weighs down on my mind and I realize how much I don't want to go on. Like today, I walked into my job and a heavy feeling of depression just swept over me. Don't misunderstand me, I really like my job most days, and what's more, I love the people I work with, which is why it made no sense for me to feel that strongly. Don't know what else to really say to clear my head. It's just so clouded and dark with thoughts of wanting to die.