It's always the first and last thought of the day

Suicide. It is without question always the first and last thought I have everyday. Sometimes, it's just a momentary thought of "how much happier i would be if I just didn't exist." Then there are times when that thought consumes me and so many different plans, actions, and consequences start to unfold.

Am I insane, for just not seeing the point to this whole mascaraed called life? To me, life is nothing more than constantly striving to get more of something only to get it and not have time to enjoy it. We are always striving for something else, something more, something different, something better, something new! And for what? What is the point of it all?

I really want to go through with it, suicide that is, but I'm too cowardly to leave behind the people that depend on me. When I get deeply sad and am seriously on the verge of acting on it, all I can think about is the people that I am going to shock and let down. Some might say that is a noble way to be, but I think it's a shame that someone can have that much hold over my life that I'm forced to have the will to live when it is obvious... oh, I don't know.

Some days, I am completely content with the humdrum normal chaos that is my life and then other days that same humdrum, normal chaos weighs down on my mind and I realize how much I don't want to go on. Like today, I walked into my job and a heavy feeling of depression just swept over me. Don't misunderstand me, I really like my job most days, and what's more, I love the people I work with, which is why it made no sense for me to feel that strongly.

Don't know what else to really say to clear my head. It's just so clouded and dark with thoughts of wanting to die.

 

wow. All of what you said is exactly how I feel.
Only I could never have gotten it out quite so clearly.

Thank you. I'm so glad to know that there is someone else who feels like I do.

Hang in there. :]
I'm glad that you have some reasons to stay around.

 

I can relate to your thoughts... so all I can say is you cannot feel if you do not exist.

 

Well put. That's exactly what it feels like.

 

That'd be the point, would it not?

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me it's not that I don't want to feel.

I just don't want to feel bad.

Unfortunately - be it biologies fault, God's fault, nature/nurture, pig-headedness, or whatever - it most often seems as if the only two choices I have are to feel bad forever, or feel nothing at all.

 

I can't say that I have that thought every day, but certainly more often than I am comfortable with. I like to think that there is something (or someone) out there that will make me happy. Of course I can't say for sure, as I've never found it (or them). But it's like you said. Some days are okay. Those are the days that I think maybe there is something worth having, worth striving for, that in the end will make all the misery and bullshit worth it. Because really, if I ever did find that holy grail of wholeness, contentness, happiness... then everything that came before would be worth it. Every last bit. Every heartache, every tear, every drop of blood; I would even do it all over again if I knew that it meant I would some day be happy.

That's what I hold on to. Hope. Hope for an elusive concept of happiness that may not even exist. But if it does, and it's out there somewhere, god dammit I want to find it. I would give everything to find it. I've been to hell and back and all I ask for is a little slice of heaven for once. Just a taste. It's when I've convinced myself that happiness does not exist, that it's just an optimistic illusion of my feeble mind, an unattainable (for me at least) goal, when I realize that I will probably spend the rest of my miserable existence feeling the same way I do now, that's when I feel that death cannot come soon enough.