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It's always the same

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ColdSummer, Oct 31, 2008.

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  1. ColdSummer

    ColdSummer Well-Known Member

    I need to get this out. I thought I'd gotten over my depression. I felt fine for a good while. I thought I was ok. who was I kidding, you cannot run from depression, it's like a terminal disease, once you get it you are with it for life. Lurking in the shadows of everyday of your life. I have not self-harmed in so long that I don't know where my blades are! and now I'm suddenly having the urge to do it. I hate life, sick of life, sick of being alone and most of all sick of my heart hurting. All the people who come into my life just end up walking all over me and hurting me so much. I wanna be alone, but that hurts almost as much. I'm at a dead end. I don't wanna love, I'm sick of loving and not receiving. I hate everything and I hate everyone. I wish I would just disappear. Sometimes I wish I would get cancer, just so I could die naturally. I'm jealous of people who die suddenly. It's sad that people who don't want to die die and people like me who wish to die every day never do. I guess that sums up life. UNFAIR. Nothing good will ever come to us. I can't handle losing things that are important to me anymore. My life is a wreck and pointless as anything. I wish I had a friend. I wish I was loved back. I want to dissolve away into nothing, with no trace I ever existed...how blissful that would be.
  2. colt45

    colt45 Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way. I am stuck in a dead end job right now. I have not girl friend, I am virgin, I still live at home with my parents. I can not get a better job because they say I lack experence (even though I have a college degree and made good grades too.)

    i feel no different that I did last summer
  3. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    I understand that completely. I went through a few months last summer where I had no depression and just felt like a normal person. I thought I was cured, so much so that I stopped attending sessions with the therapist and psychiatrist. I felt so normal and only once I started to relapse did I realise that in those few months I was happy yet didn't realise it.

    I was happy and felt good even if I didn't know I was happy. I just thought I was normal. Alas, those days are long gone.

    As for friends, I kinda agree with you. I'd like to say I don't but most of my friends don't even give me the time of day or even listen to me (same as everyone else). Or they think I'm some kind of dickhead when I try to talk about my problems.

    At the minute I'm living in a house with five other guys, one of which I suspect may be bipolar (he's a bit manic sometimes, admits to having bouts of depression and even flies off into a rage on occasion) but he tries to claim his violent mood swings are because of drugs and drink (even though last time he had no drugs and no alcohol in his system for over a week).

    I sort of look up to and kinda connect with the guy (he's 5 years older than me) but last night after the house went out and had a few drinks, we decided to go to a house party where he turned on me and told me I did nothing but follow him around and if I stayed at the party, he was leaving and if I left, he'd stay. I stayed and he left (I aint walking home on my own through an area I don't know) and it kinda ruined the rest of the evening for me.

    This is someone I've always got along well with and he just turns on me. What bothers me is if I confronted him about it, he'd pull the drunk excuse. But when I get drunk, I tend to speak the truth, so I worry that that's what he really feels and he doesn't even want me around.

    Sorry, I kinda went off into a rant there. Came to try and give you a bit of advice and ended up ranting about my own crap. I apologise.
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