It's back, and its going to be harder than ever to shake

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tottenhamhotspur, May 16, 2010.

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  1. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    My feelings that things are going to end soon are back.
    My workmate got a call asking if she could work late tommorow till when I should be working. This only happens when someone is going to get fired.
    I could go and on, and some of you may have even read some of my old posts, but knowing that I need to pay rent and am already in debt and that tommorow my job will likely be gone is too much. I thought I felt bad before... now I just feel like a walking zombie. I just don't care about it all anymore. I can't do it. I'm 25 and I can't get ahead in this world. I am nothing but a burden to those around me. I love this planet, but I can't deal with my depression, debt and esteem problems no matter how I try- therapy, meds. Nothing works.
    If I lose my job, I will literally have no reason to wake up in the morning.
    As much as I love my family, I know that in the long run (as much as noone would ever admit) it would be best if I just let them move on with their lives. They still have my brother who has made out well in this world, and I have put them through alot in their lives.
    I just want to write a nice letter explaining myself and appologizing for what I've done and for taking myself out- and asking that people understand and be compassionate as they have been during my time alive, and just fall asleep. I feel like the food and resources I waste on earth would be better spend on someone else, and that my negative impact on this earth would be diminished if I were to leave and give it to someone who truly deserved it.

    Everytime I see someone who is disabled or suffering I just wish I could trade places with them or give them my body and life so they could have it , as they deserve it far more.
  2. She

    She Member


    I feel a certain degree of empathy with you about the debts. I have worked through a similar situation and I know just how completely overbearing the feeling of being in over your head is. In regards to finances, there is always a way out of it. I don't know your situation but payment plans are my new best friends!

    You seem like a really caring, generous person. You deserve to be alive; you also deserve to live a happy life. Getting there, for all of us, will be tricky but maybe that means we'll appreciate what we have so much more? I don't know. That's what I hope for.
  3. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    I totally appreciate what I have, but I've done too much wrong and been too wasteful here in this life. The things that mean the most to me (having a contributing career, being educated, welcoming people into my home and being a husbamd and maybe even a father) are out of reach now.
    My credit and debt prevent me from evening speaking to a perspective mate, as I would feel horrible dragging them into my mess,with someone who will never own a house or have another car, and its not appropriate for the women I am dating to be with someone who is almost 25 and can't hold a stupid fast food job because he is late too much.
    At VERY best, I'll get a job by the end of the month (if I am auctualy fired, which I am 95% sure I am) and be able to take part time classes at uni next winter.
    Even if that's all I am able to do, I guess it's okay.
    Sometimes we have to admit that what we want, we cannot have. Not all of us were made to be fathers or have a family.
    Once this is done, I know I will either be gone for good or moved away to stay a more solitary life and leave behind all of this.
    Things that make me most happy also make me the most sad, and serve as a reminder of my failure.
    I want to give others a chance to move away from my neediness and start serving my community in a meaningful way.
  4. SeanW

    SeanW Member

    I feel you so much my friend... The brother , disabled people, wanting to trade places everything !

    Trust me your family love you more than anything and they don't think food is wasted on you..

    Jobs, money , partners ... etc etc

    It gets us down, it gets me down more tha most :(

    Keep talking , keep fighting through my friend ..

    I know it's hard.
  5. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    unfourtunatly, my time is likely running out. If I can't make my next rent payment, I don't know what will become of me. Yes, I may have got in some debt with credit companies, but to me that is nothing like not paying your rent to the people you see everyday.
    I am so ashamed of myself.
  6. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    wait a dont know that for sure yet do you?? she may just be working late!

    i wouldnt get to freaked out just yet. Plsu i am sure that you will at least receive one more paycheck. or even some sort of unemployment compensation!

    hang in there, there is always a solution to things. wait til you see what happens before you do anything. It may just be your mind playing tricks on you!

    and about your girl..let her make that decision! she may feel differently!
  7. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    There has never been a case in the history of work that such a thing has happened and someone not been fired. To have two people 'working' on the slowest night of the week when we were warned last week that our hours were being culled (or perhaps just me) would be the worst management choice ever.
  8. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    You don't know if your fired yet. Give it a go. Things probably aren't as bad as you think. You probably aren't even going to get fired.
  9. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    things are exactly as bad as I assumed. I showed up to work to two managers (who couldn't even give me the decency to tell me before I started work that I was done so I didn't have to do a walk of shame in front of everyone).
    The manager who was most resposible could hardly contain the smile from her face.
    I got no sleep last night and can't eat (the later which is good because I have no money for food). I just need 150 from my next pay which I should be able to do and then I have an income tax return that will hopefully be in if i absolutly need it for the next month.
    I applied for one job already today.
    I know how hard it will be when they as 'why aren't you working at your previous employer?' "because I got fired"
    I'm almost 25 and I am fired because I am late?! I am such a moron.
    If I can't find a job by the end of the month, I'm afraid all of this is just too much. I already have over 2000 dollars worth of debt.
    I won't go down without trying to get a job, but I can't do this much longer.
  10. She

    She Member

    I'm really glad you have some fight in you. Good luck.
  11. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    There's not much left in me.
    In many ways, now that I don't have a job now I feel free adn ready to go.
    I went for a nice long walk tonight and all I could do was getting angry and then depressed.
    I wish that stupid bitch of a manager would know what it feels like to have someone smile at your before you are about to be told that you are losing everything you have and want to go kill yourself over it. I find myself turning in a very upset and vengeful person when this isn't normally the case. I can forgive just about anything. But the fact she's been looking for a reason to sack me for months and pointed me out for shit that noone else does when I work harder and get more customer compilments while others get compaints. I sadly find myself very angry. I hope that when she suffers through the hard times, someone would be there to laugh at her when she feels like dying. I know that this makes me a 'bad' person by all considerations- but I've done my best to be a nice, kind guy and it doesn't get you very far either. People don't respect you or take you seriously and women assure you that 'you'll find a great girl one day' while you know if you asked them out they would say "No." What they really shoudl say is "one day, you'll find a girl and ask her out and she'll say that she's flattered but that she likes you as a friend, blah blah blah, and one day you'll find a great woman who will (repeat)"

    At least now the loose ends are begining to get tied up. Now to delete the facebook account and start getting my belongings in order and trying to get any money I can to help pay off my expenses.
  12. tottenhamhotspur

    tottenhamhotspur Active Member

    Well, Funny things can happen!
    As messed up life still is, good things can happen!
    I got a call 30 minutes ago. A pizza chain is in the same plaza and the manager called me up to tell me how shitty he thought what happened to me was and that he had heard about it. He told a manager at another store who used to work at the one in the plaza and knew me. I was a hard worker, he said, and he wanted me on the team.
    The new manager called. I start training tommorow.
    he even said it was likely I'd be close to full time within a month. best part is, I can keep up my job hunt for something better in the meantime.
  13. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    That is great news!

    Sometimes life surprises us, and works out. And maybe in the long run, you'll find yourself in a much better place to work. Sounds like your old manager was someone your life will be better off without.
  14. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    Well done for fighting back, you should be really proud of yourself. I'm sorry you are going through all this crap at the moment but things will get better with how you are tackling things at the moment....all the very best......shaz
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