It's back and worse than ever before.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gabski, Jun 10, 2009.

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  1. gabski

    gabski Member

    I thought I was doing better, I finished school...about to graduate. yet, I can't remember the last time I felt so miserable. Everyone keeps telling me to smile, everyone keeps telling me I should be happy. They just don't get it, they don't understand that I just can't BE how they want me to. I've started to push people away from me because I don't want to bring them into this mess. I've stopped talking to most everyone and just kept to myself in my room for the most part. I'm supposed to be going off to school next fall but I don't think I'm going to make it...the lack of purpose has eaten away too much at me this time.

    I know people care, it sucks, I know how devastated they would when I do this. I know they would blame themselves, and I know that no matter what I write down or say to them, they wouldn't believe anything else. I feel like I've hurt too many people at this point just because of my mood...this one last thing might burn but eventually I will be lost and and gone from their minds.

    Got involved with someone, ended up the way I fear it always will...ultimately feeling as though I cared/care way more than he/she did/does. Someone else wants to be that person for me now, but I push them away because I don't want to hurt them anymore than needed, especially when I just go.

    I'm sorry for this lengthy post, obviously I'm just here to spew my life...I wake everyday waiting to go to bed in hopes that I won't wake up again. No passion. No motivation. No reason...something I wrote (kind of dumb) but seems to sum it all up...sorry again for the length.

    To sea the truth

    This is when that wave that lingered will finally break on shore.
    The swell will build, the time will pass, and my heart will be no more.

    As many times as I can write this down, one day it will signify a choice.
    Something that has been thought before, but remained without a voice.

    I could continue to lie, to wake up each morning for a reason unknown to me.
    I could smile at you and pretend I’m okay, as you simply let me be.

    The more you ask, the more I hide, the world beyond these eyes.
    The fear I have, the purpose I seek to play away the lies.

    It’s the reality we comply to, the hearts we fill with love.
    That’s the pain I’ve felt inside, since the day I saw above.

    I’ve passed the time and jumped the hoops to turn to the next page.
    I’ve followed the path, done my best, but it’s another day of age.

    How much more am I supposed to wait to find the reason?
    It seems that I’ve played this game to become a soul of treason.

    I’m weak, that’s why, undoubtedly it’s true.
    I wish I could say it’s worth it here for me to stay with you.

    The time will come when the sea is quiet, my hand will slip away.
    One thing please, I hope you know, you were what was okay.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Gabski

    welcome back to the forums.

    I'm sorry you're feeling low again.
    Do you have any idea why you're feeling this way again? Has something in particular triggered it?
    Are you on any medication? Seeing a therapist?

    Keep talking if it helps,

    Thinking if you :heart: xxx
  3. cheezeNmayo

    cheezeNmayo New Member

    Hey, it sounds like your in a pretty shitty spot right now. If there's anything I can do to help, or you just need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a PM.
  4. gabski

    gabski Member

    Hi...I've had a therapist for 3 years now...seemed to help anxiety but nothing else. I'm on's been about 4 1/2 years now...again: doesn't help. I just don't give a shit about life anymore, its not worth it and I don't want to be here. I'm so sick of looking for a purpose. I don't enjoy simple pleasures, I can't look forward to anything but the idea of not being here.
  5. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey Gabski,

    How many times have you changed your medication? I know 4 1/2 years seems like a long time (and it is actually), but in medical terms its not that long. The problem with the depression and anxiety is that atm the doctors don't really know what exactly happens in the brain with these disorders. They have a pretty good idea, but the science behind it is still pretty vague. There are so many kinds of treatment out there that it can take a long time to find the right one, especially in atypical cases.

    But the fact remains that anxiety and depression are two of the MOST treatable mental disorders out there. You just have to keep at it until you find the right mix of meds. It took me 3 years of treatment to get where I am today, and I am still not cured but I am a hell of a lot better than this time last year.

    That being said, I know its tough to work through it. The last 6 years, and especially the last year has been the toughest of my life. I read somewhere that once your getting better, the risk for suicide actually increases because of the fact that you regain the energy to go through with the suicide where in the past you wouldn't have. Crying a lot, usually shows progress as well as it shows that you express your emotions better than before. Having said that, each person is different so each person's signs of progress is different as well. I think the old saying of you have to take a step back to take 2 steps forward applies to my situation because I had to get worse to get better (if that makes sense..) .

    Anyway, keep fighting. We're all here to support you every step of the way.
    Keep with the counseling. It really does work, even though it may not seem that way right now.

  6. gabski

    gabski Member

    Same medication for 3 years...I'm so emotionless, I can't even look people in the eyes anymore because I feel so worthless. I'm sick of waiting for something everyone else thinks is going to be better but I don't even know what I'm waiting for. They say it will feel so much better to be happy, its so hard to get to that point when I don't even remember what it's like to be happy.
  7. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    I think you need to change up your meds. The ones you're on don't seem to be working out for you.
  8. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey Gabski,

    I agree with jr. Your meds don't seem to be working. I know in the beginning I wanted the meds to work so badly that I said to my psych that it was working, or I minimized my pain and he assumed the meds was working. They're also just human you know. So I'd suggest that you make another appointment and ask to be put on a new mix of meds. There are a lot of different medications that can be used.

    I get you on the emotionless thing. I was on Abilify at one stage, and I felt like a zombie at one stage. Just doing the bare minimum. At one stage I couldn't even express what I was feeling. I had the same expression on my face no matter what. I would watch a comedy on tv, and I would think "mmm thats funny", but I would be unable to even smile. That was absolute torture for me, and the doctor kept increasing my dosage because he thought it was working.

    I would say to keep a journal on how you feel each day would be the best way to show your doc that the meds aren't working. They are often sceptical when hearing that medication doesn't work, especially if you've been on them for that long. But if they can see that you're not just saying that it doesn't work in the heat of the moment, they will accept it more easily.

    Just out of interest, what meds are you on at the moment?

    Keep safe and hope you figure this out.

  9. gabski

    gabski Member

    I take prozac, 80 mg a day...I used to be on zoloft a while back, that wasn't doing it, then I switched to something else, can't remember what it was, then to prozac, got off it for a while, I don't even feel a difference on or off, I don't care to either...because I don't know what I'm supposed to feel like, I don't remember what it's like to have something to look forward to or be happy just "being"
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