It's BAD tonight....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Clipper, Oct 23, 2007.

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  1. Clipper

    Clipper Guest

    Friday I was in a store that sells off-road truck parts. There was a guy in there with a kid that was obviously his son (they were chiseled from the same block) and they were told that the part they wanted wouldn’t come in until Monday or Tuesday. The guy turned to his son and asked if that was OK; they obviously had something planned for the weekend that wasn’t happening without this part. And the kid understandingly said “yeah, oh well…” and they genuinely looked disappointed. Obviously they were a team, with very good communication.

    I started tearing up and had to leave…and I went home and went to bed and sobbed and cried the rest of the day. I just couldn’t take how fucked up my life is, and how my kids have been brainwashed and my relationship sabotaged with them.

    Stupid, I know, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about the last letter I received from my 16-year-old, telling me how he was tired of seeing mom work her fingers to the bone (fyi, SHE threw ME out) And how it was because I am not sending them enough money. (So nice and thoughtful of her to involve my 15-year old in our marital and divorce issues.) She says it was an “accident,” of course…a slip of the tongue. Yeah, right. Doesn’t matter one way or the other, does it? The damage is done.

    Before this one, the last letter I had gotten from him, back in February, told me how screwed up my childhood was and how he wants to be baptized a Mormon, because he’d rather have a childhood like mom’s than like mine, echoing words that I’ve heard HER say before. (So nice of her to use me as a negative example of what my sons should aspire to.)

    Well, according to her and my CLASSIC TEXTBOOK meddling mother-in-law, (but don’t try to tell THEM that…) her church really supports the family unit (I know for CERTAIN the Mormons really DO like families…they couldn’t WAIT to take MINE away from me.) She, of course, is the one who is “sensitive” to others, and who claims that kids need their dads (to my face, anyway; obviously NOT behind my back.)

    As for her family, they have always “run block” for her, emotionally…she cannot handle even the simplest of disagreements, or “confrontations”…she goes into absolute panic mode and shrinks in terror…literally…and it’s because her family has always done her talking for her. When my marriage was disintegrating, but I still hadn’t given up on it, I tried to play it by her rules…and work it out through her family. So, at one point, I’m sitting there talking about my SEX LIFE with her fucking BROTHER…(who, by the way, is in his late 40's, and has been engaged to his first cousin for nearly 20 years now...and HE'S giving ME marital advice)...how sick is that?

    But it’s all perfectly normal to them. For example, when, after the umpteenth discussion with her MOTHER about my marital problems, I finally gave up, in total exasperation, and hung up on her, I get this voice mail saying “now, this is what you accuse Mary of doing, not talking to you, so if you want to work this out, you’d better call me so we can talk….”

    Did you catch that…so WE can talk?...i.e. her MOTHER and I? Why the hell am I talking to her MOTHER, and not HER? But according to them, it’s all perfectly normal, because when you have a problem, her CHURCH says you are first supposed to go to your family for help. And Mary is too emotionally weak to speak for herself, so her family "helps" her.

    I thought I was trying to be flexible and understanding…but it finally dawned on me just how sick this relationship (and her family) is…when I was listening to Dr. Laura one day. This woman called and said that she confided all of her deep dark secrets, including marital issues, to her mother, and that her husband thought that was bad, and she wanted to know what Dr. Laura thought. And without hesitation, Dr. Laura said that she thought it was a HORRIBLE AWFUL thing to do…what was her mother going to think about this guy, her husband, after five years of the wife bitching about all their problems? Dr. Laura said she should go to a marriage counselor…or a clergyman…or ANYONE neutral and trained in marriage counseling, but NOT her mother…there was NO WAY her mother could be neutral when it came to her daughter, and it would poison the marriage irreparably.

    A position since verified by several shrinks and therapists.

    And that’s when it really dawned on me how sick this all was…but when I tried to tell Mary, she said that Dr. Laura is not always right. (Normally she agrees with Dr. Laura about 99%.)

    So for me, the fight is over. My kids hate me and blame me for everything. And of course, she has them 99% of the time, so she can brainwash them and discredit me completely.

    And so I see this guy and his kid in the store, and…it just hurts. REALLY bad. I see their closeness and all I can think of is how my kids have been taken away from me and brainwashed by a family and an organization that purports to BUILD family cohesion…and the hypocrisy and unfairness of it all…just hurt. It just hurts and hurts, and it never stops hurting.

    And so tonight, I am one step closer to the final, REAL solution…clearly I don’t belong here.

    Bottom line is, I blame her mother and their church and family structure at least 50% for the breakup of my marriage and my estrangement from my two boys. And I don’t even know if what her family says about the Mormon church is true, but if the church really does advocate parents trying to work out their kids marital problems, then all I can say is, that is one sick, twisted organization.

    But you know, none of that matters. It’s over, and sometimes you just have to admit defeat. You can’t fight city hall, the US Gooberment, or the Mormon church, no matter how twisted and perverted they obviously have become. I’m useless as a father; my kids hate me, and what they think I am, and everything that I stand for, thanks to their mother, and mostly thanks to their GRANDmother. And she fancies herself to be some bastion of morality. What a sick, twisted bitch.

    So my mom announces that she’s visiting for Thanksgiving (for 5 days) and wants to see my boys. And I call Mary and ask if she could get the boys here on one of those days. And she says that her family is going to Idaho for Thanksgiving, but that she couldn’t go, so she’d like to bring the boys here on Thanksgiving Day. (She’s never been here, though I’ve lived here for a year and a half, and we haven't spent a holiday together in three years.) Oh…and by the way, her MOTHER is coming.

    Fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-uck.

    Oh well, maybe Thanksgiving would be a good time to take myself out, once and for all. It would certainly make a statement…! They think I’m faking being suicidal…it would certainly show them!

    Funny part is, I know that almost everyone on this forum knows the feeling…I am NOT “faking it…” I am just biding my time, while I work up the courage….an outsider, looking in on a world of joy and happiness that I know I am incapable of participating in. I’d sure like to see the look on their faces when they realize that I WASN’T faking it…but obviously…oh well, that’s the natural paradox of the situation, I guess…revenge is sweet, but you’re not around to taste it…<sigh>….

    Sorry...I guess I'm rambling...

    All that matters is for the pain to stop. That's ALL that matters, eventually.
     
  2. leonard

    leonard New Member

    Hey man, I created an account on here just so that I could respond. It's been a little while, and I see that you haven't reposted so I hope that you're alright.

    Life is hard. I wish that I could offer a great expression that would make everything alright but sadly one doesn't exist. I know that in my life, sometimes everything seems unbearable. I don't see the point in doing anything because I feel worthless. I can relate to what you're feeling on that level. It's hard because I know you know everything I could say and you don't want to hear it, just like I wouldn't want to hear it. I could say that things get better, or that the good outweighs the bad and all that. The only thing that I can say is that I know that you care about your children. Don't let anything get in the way of that. You're not a bad person. I hope that you get this and that everything is alright. Good luck.
     
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