It's becoming more then I can handle

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DxtrLws, Sep 5, 2009.

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  1. DxtrLws

    DxtrLws New Member

    There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about ending it all. Now so more then ever.

    Backstory:

    I’m a paraplegic. I basically can’t feel, control anything from the chest down. I use to think everything would be OK. At the time of my accident, I was married and happy. About a year after my accident, my wife left me and we finalized the divorce a few months ago. I’ve recently learned that she started seeing somebody else. I think thats what triggered what I’m feeling now. It was the last straw.

    But that’s only the half of it. I can’t help but think how different my life would be if i never got into my accident. I hate seeing people walking around and how easily they can do things like go up stairs. I get so frustrated cause it’ll take my 5x as long to do things like getting dressed or use the bathroom. I get so frustrated cause I’ll know I’ll never be able to do simple things like walk on a beach holding hands with somebody I love or enjoy the “feeling” of being with a woman.

    Everyday it gets worse. I’ve gone as far as cutting myself and putting out cigarettes on my legs cause I know I won’t feel anything. I think I’m just waiting until the anniversary of my accident to end it all. I’ve already made travel plans to see some of my friends one last time. I don’t know what to do anymore and I see no end to me feeling the way I do. I’m on anti-depressants and I’m in counseling, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I just don’t know what to do and I can only thing of one way out.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Having a disability is frustraing; I know this from personal experience. I'm blind, and there are days I get pissed because I know I'll never drive a car or see a sunset. So even though mine wasn't through an accident, I can relate to how you feel.

    But there are things you CAN still do. You can find love again; you can still hold a woman's hand, even if it's not while you're walking along the beach. There are still things in life that you can enjoy.

    And I know it's not easy. I don't mean to sound like I think it is. But it's possible.

    If you ever feel like talking, you can PM me anytime!
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are in so much pain. Your wife was not strong enough i guess to stay in the marrage i am sorry about that. You need to try to let her go emotionally although very hard todo. Please don't self harm like you are doing. Increase chance of infection to this area and hard to heal properly. I hope your friends show you just how impt you are I hope you are receiving therapy for your depression Please know i hear your pain and hopefully someday with stem cell therapy people with nerve damage can be repaired. Hope maybe a long way off but still hope.
     
  4. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry the therapy and meds are not helping.I can't imagine what you go through..I feel ashamed of my self for being so suicidal when I have less to be sad about than you..
    but I can say that IF you decide to carry on..it will be because you have something in you that is worth nurturing.Your intellect.Your knowledge.Your experience.There are things out there just waiting for you to find them..hobbies..skills and enjoyment still to be had..
    I can't make you want to pursue all these things..but I can tell you life is precious...we get one life..you are alive...you are a miracle..as we all are..and I sincerely hope you FIND all those things that will make you want to live ..to carry on.
    ((huggsss))
     
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