It's becoming unbearable

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dpla14, Mar 11, 2014.

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  1. dpla14

    dpla14 Member

    Hey guys , I am new to this forum.
    Just need to share my story (other than my diary ) because somehow finding people that can relate to my situation helps a lot.
    So here goes -
    I've been struggling with depression and high anxiety for about 6 years now... been on several different anti depressants, anti anxiety, sleep meds, etc. They all seem to help for a month or so and I start to feel better then relapse into hopelessness and deeper depression. Don't get me wrong - I have some "good" days where I feel like the depression and deep dark thoughts seemed merely a dream, however there are more down days than up days. I've seen various psychologists... all they want to do or seem to care about is prescribe more meds or "up" my dose. I feel guilty because I come from a good childhood... loving mother, good family, friends, school, etc. I am an artist and constantly put a lot of pressure on myself and feel I will never achieve the skill level I want to strive for (which is typical of artists) I got 2 degrees and was a good student however I've been out of school now for 2 years and still cannot find a job since the field is so competitive these days. Currently, I just do freelance from home and it's isolating and even more depressing. I hate where I live (grew up in Florida and lived here my whole life) I was planning on moving out to California where my mom and her husband live for more job opportunities and a new, fresh start. The only thing I have here is my dad and stepmom who are both selfish , vain, shallow people who haven't bothered to lift a finger at all to help me in financial trouble. I was planning on getting out of here as soon as my lease was up (in a month) however 4 months ago a guy came unexpectingly into my life and we fell hard. Well as time goes on we fight constantly, he is an alcoholic and berates me all the time and doesn't support my passion (art) He says he wants to be with me and marry me and is willing to move to California however recently he seems distant and lost himself which further adds to my depression. In October, I hit a breaking point when I was on a anti-depressant that was horrible for me, it made me snap one day and OD so I wound up in the hospital for 3 days and was released after they switched my medication and evaluated me. I feel like everyday I have suicidal thoughts... I've looked up proper ways to OD (with the right amount and mixture of meds) , i've tried looking<mod edit - methods> I probably would have gone through with it already because it seems like the fastest, painless way. I feel so much guilt because I know it's very selfish and I would forever destroy and haunt the person I care about most in the world - my mom who has always been there for me. I am not religious, but spiritual so I am not afraid of the afterlife or being "damned to hell" So that does not stop me. I can't help but get a calming , warm, fuzzy feeling when I think about just taking my life and leaving this earth and not feeling pain anymore. I feel like everyday is a struggle, and am beginning to lose motivation to do anything... even the one thing that has always made me happy - my art. I feel like nothing can really help at this point. Can someone please post back if you can relate to this at all... the roller coaster of feelings and emotions... some days I almost feel manic like things are starting to look up a little and then the next day I could be at the lowest of lows. I'm hoping communicating with some of you and hearing your stories as well will help me
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    ups and downs of depression yes i can relate some days i can function other days i just stay in bed not able to even get up for food Perhaps it is time to just take care of YOU ok and if moving will help you not feel so depressed then do it ok Hope you do whatever it takes to stay for you and your mom who would do anything for you at least being a mother myself i would do anything for my child hugs
     
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