It's been 4 years, no change.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lordchao, Jan 13, 2011.

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  1. lordchao

    lordchao Member

    Well there are some changes. I was here since 2007 and since my last posts, I still suffer. Click my name and look at my last thread (from 2007) before reading this.

    So within these 4 years, my father had passed (which has been a huge trigger in my depression) and now living at home once again.

    So imagine this - I finally decided to go to California and pursue a life long dream of going to college there. Here is the catch - my father was going through chemo and radiation for esophageal cancer and liver cirrhosis (non-alcoholic). This was in 2009. He went through the radiation and chemo treatments, and I thought "you know what, you might as well do something with you life!" So I did - I got an apartment in California, bought the plane tickets and was on my way. The day before I left, as my father sat in his chair, skin and bones from the chemo, asked "is this for real?". I sighed and said "of course this is". The next day, the day I was going to leave. I can remember everything about that day. I remember getting my new laptop ready, I remember laying in my room thinking "well, this is the last time I lay in my bed". I remember picking up my Mom from work early so she can help me pack a little bit more before my flight. I pick her up, go to where my father sat and he stared at me. We all waited for my ride to get to the airport. I was nervous, and when the horn beeped I got the jitters because I knew I was FINALLY doing something for ME. I looked at my father and went to go hug him. "Please don't go" as he cried uncontrollably. "I have to" being the smart alleck I am.

    So the last physical touch with my father was him crying to me telling me not to go.

    July - beginning of November I was in California. Then it happened. November 14th 2009, the day I will dread forever. I happen to have slept that whole day for some reason. It was a Saturday and I figured I'd have a relaxing weekend. I go to call my Dad on his cellphone. No response. I called the home phone, no response. Probably 25 minutes after that I get a call from my Aunts Cell. I knew something was wrong. It was about 7:00PM in Cali and about 10:00PM in Jersey. My Aunt is already in bed by 9:30ish. I knew it. I just knew it. She told me very calmly that Dad had passed. My reaction was "what in the hell am I suppose to do?!" With that said, I made endless calls to everyone, I tried reaching out to friends who didn't even bother to call back just to ask if I was ok.

    By the next day I was on a plane. Stuffed in a coach seat and dying from pain because I was squished and I'm morbidly obese, so the chair didn't fit me and I was at a window seat squished. 9 hours later I was at the Airport. I was sobbing beyond control and didn't know if I could make it to get home. I called my Aunt, called my friend, and with their words I was able to muster enough strength to get up and go to the taxi to get me home.

    It's been a year since his passing, and within the year, I tried 4 - 5 times to kill myself by <Edit Mod method> All failed attempts. I tried <Edit Mod method> to see if I can suffocate my body - again a failed attempt. I am seeing a Therapist, Psychologist, Nuerologist, and a regular doctor, all under charity care because I cannot afford any of their services without it, plus I am too morbidly obese to work, let alone walk. I am taking a ton of pills including depression pills. All seem to work for a little bit then die down. I am now at the point of rock bottom once again. I am sick of this.

    Why can I not just get the right to legally suicide myself? Isn't there a doctor who can do such a thing? Honestly I am just tired. After 15 years of depression, 15 years of people (including family) telling me I am not depressed and to 'shake it off', where can I get MY relief? I don't know what else to do anymore, I tried to make myself better but it's not helping me.

    I don't see the rainbow after this storm, I don't see the 'it gets better' campaign helping much. I've waited FAR too long for my peace, and I cannot do it anymore. I want to just swallow <Edit Mod method> my house and at this point, I don't care how much I suffer. As long as I die I will be ok. At this point I am not concerned with how my family will react. I'm sure they will get over it as much as they did with my Dad and other family members. I wish they'd understand how much pain I endure daily, and not just mental, but physical. No one understands me anymore, no one really and truly feels the way I do. I'm going to end it soon.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Punishing ourselves in hindsight is another way we re-victim ourselves...if we knew then what we know now...would we do things differently??? most of the time, the answer is of course we would...please forgive yourself and know that you would have stayed had you have known what was to are a good person whose timing was not so good...J
  3. lordchao

    lordchao Member

    Now I'm getting told my house will foreclose next week. I need 10 grand or else I am on the streets. Wonderful. I'm about ready to<Edit Moderator method> on me right now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2011
  4. Don't post methods please!! It will trigger others to do the same.. Sorry to hear what you are going through right now.. Please don't end your own life, hang on..
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2011
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm about to loose my dad due to heart attacks.. There was bad blood between him and me for six years.. I finally decided to bury the hatchet between us..I know the pain you must be going thru.. I've been preparing myself for his death..But it doesn't help..You should seek some professional help..Suicide isn't the way to go.. I think about it daily but using my coping skills I am able to put it behind me daily.. Maybe you should move back home if your loosing your house.. I'm sure your mom could use the support..
  6. lordchao

    lordchao Member

    I am back home. I've been back home since Dad passed. I cannot work because physically and definetly mentally I cannot do it. My Mom is seriously worried and crying about this and it's making me so fustrated with life. She has been supporting me - through the doctor visits, the therapy and psychologist visits, everything. I'm just not happy at all anymore. I'm seriously just sick of it.
  7. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    so where are you now, cali or jersey?, hey pm me please we seem to have too much alike.
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear about your dad. However, we all have to make choices. You choose what you thought was best for you. That is all we can do friend. It sounds like things were going alright before your dad passed.

    You were able to find the strength to try and change. You have that power in you friend. You just need to remember how you call upon it once again. You can do it again.
  9. lordchao

    lordchao Member

    I can't muster anymore strength. I cannot do it. We are losing the house. I cannot do this anymore. I'm literally sick thinking of it. I guess i'll post wherever I end up. I don't know anymore.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just checking in nto see how you are and hope that you have found support needed to carry on okay for you and your mother hugs
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