It's been 5 years of pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ghuistik, Jun 18, 2010.

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  1. Ghuistik

    Ghuistik New Member

    Hello everyone, for the past 5 years my life has just gotten worse, I am 20 years old now and feel so old. My depression wasn't bad when I was 15-16, I had many friends and got along with people nicely, didn't think bout suicide much and was probably usual teenager feelings. However after school finished it started to develop.
    While I was 16-17 years old I spent most of my time on my computer. I had no job, no courses to attend and my day usually went like 'get up, computer, eat, computer, sleep'. I didn't mind either, I thought I would just kill myself if I got sick of it. I did attend one course while i was 17 and it was an awful experience, I had never met such a huge ammount of immature moronic people and it just made me feel worse and I quit. My depression was getting much worse now and some months I was constantly thinking about suicide and just wanted to jam a knife through my chest and die.
    When I was 17-18 I moved house with my family, and continued with my same routine, I attended another small course to try to help me get work, but once again, chavvish moronic people there to annoy the hell out of me. My depression was getting worse ofcourse and was hating almost every person I came across.
    During the ages of 18-19 it really got worse, sometimes it felt so unbelievebly unbearable that I would have to kill myself but I still held on because I don't want to hurt my family's feelings. For a few days I felt like i was completely insane, started babbleing to myself utter nonsense and generaling acting like a total nutcase, I felt like I was watching a psycho and it was me! I did attend yet another course, but this time it was better and there were nicer people, I managed to complete it very easily. All this time by myself gave me a lot of time to think aswell, I had discovered so many things I hate, so much hate, and it just built up to an immense ammount and I see no hope or point to live appart from sparing my family's feelings.
    And finally from 19-20, the present time. I think about suicide almost every day, I have a job and plan to do more education but I see no hope for me. I feel like I'm developing an alter ego, and becoming even more unbalanced, I do not tell people in real-life, I keep it to myself appart from 1 friend to tell who lives far away. My suffering is becoming so incredibly often and horrible it is over-weighing my family's feelings and I may finally tip over the edge and do it. I really feel like cutting myself to relieve some pain, over and over, but I hate the idea of it, so it just bottles up. I feel like a loser in this world, and I am, I'm not winning at all, life's beat me like its bitch.

    Feel free to reply with anything you want, I felt like expressing this so I have, any thoughtful replies are greatful.
  2. fannin

    fannin Member

    Probably not a great help, but are you trying to live up to unrealistic standards? Did someone or something set an imaginary bar you think you'll never reach? I'm thinking we all feel shame at embarrassing ourselves and disappointing the ones whose opinions we think matter.

    But should they matter?

    Maybe if you made a mental list of the two or three people who you'd NEVER want to disappoint or think you might let down and - one at a time - seek them out for a quick talk. They might come through with some totally unexpected reassurance. We go into crisis mode convinced that we're being judged and/or falling short. It's not like the ones we put up as role models don't have their own private shitstorms.

    Good luck.
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Ghuistik and welcome to SF. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time in your life. You have to release all the negative feelings and emotions that you have bottled up over the past few years. I'm glad to hear that you're working and earning some money. That's definitely a good start because some people aren't able to do that due to anxiety issues. Have you seen a psychiatrist yet? It sounds like you might be developing multiple personality disorder, because you mention that you may have an alter ego. Do your best to resist the urge to cut yourself, because that is very addictive and harmful to your overall well-being. Don't give up hope. :hug:
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