Hello everyone, for the past 5 years my life has just gotten worse, I am 20 years old now and feel so old. My depression wasn't bad when I was 15-16, I had many friends and got along with people nicely, didn't think bout suicide much and was probably usual teenager feelings. However after school finished it started to develop. While I was 16-17 years old I spent most of my time on my computer. I had no job, no courses to attend and my day usually went like 'get up, computer, eat, computer, sleep'. I didn't mind either, I thought I would just kill myself if I got sick of it. I did attend one course while i was 17 and it was an awful experience, I had never met such a huge ammount of immature moronic people and it just made me feel worse and I quit. My depression was getting much worse now and some months I was constantly thinking about suicide and just wanted to jam a knife through my chest and die. When I was 17-18 I moved house with my family, and continued with my same routine, I attended another small course to try to help me get work, but once again, chavvish moronic people there to annoy the hell out of me. My depression was getting worse ofcourse and was hating almost every person I came across. During the ages of 18-19 it really got worse, sometimes it felt so unbelievebly unbearable that I would have to kill myself but I still held on because I don't want to hurt my family's feelings. For a few days I felt like i was completely insane, started babbleing to myself utter nonsense and generaling acting like a total nutcase, I felt like I was watching a psycho and it was me! I did attend yet another course, but this time it was better and there were nicer people, I managed to complete it very easily. All this time by myself gave me a lot of time to think aswell, I had discovered so many things I hate, so much hate, and it just built up to an immense ammount and I see no hope or point to live appart from sparing my family's feelings. And finally from 19-20, the present time. I think about suicide almost every day, I have a job and plan to do more education but I see no hope for me. I feel like I'm developing an alter ego, and becoming even more unbalanced, I do not tell people in real-life, I keep it to myself appart from 1 friend to tell who lives far away. My suffering is becoming so incredibly often and horrible it is over-weighing my family's feelings and I may finally tip over the edge and do it. I really feel like cutting myself to relieve some pain, over and over, but I hate the idea of it, so it just bottles up. I feel like a loser in this world, and I am, I'm not winning at all, life's beat me like its bitch. Feel free to reply with anything you want, I felt like expressing this so I have, any thoughtful replies are greatful.