it's been 8 months

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by barbara bart, Oct 16, 2007.

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  1. barbara bart

    barbara bart Guest

    i remember that cold february night as if it were yesterday. i remember the days before that night i obsessed over the idea of the nothingness that death brought. with that thought becoming my mantra i caved in and frantically began shoving handfulls of pills until there was nothing left but an empty bottle of tylenol extra strength. about ten minutes later i was petrified and forced myself to vomit. i remember feeling so guilty as i stared at the mixture of the white remnence of tylenol intergrated with the dinner my sister prepared earlier that night. the guilt stirred in me, i felt i had failed on many different levels. it was too much to take and soon there after my head hit the pillow and i was fast asleep, not for long though. the sharp stabbing abdominal pains woke me from my slumber and i began shouting and screaming. my mother ran in and saw the vomit on my bedroom floor and all i could say was call 911 please. i was rushed into er and immediately was put into icu, my liver was in danger. i try not to forget the guilt i felt those three days of torture i put my family through. i had always been a self injurer and prior to my suicide attempt i had spent a week in an adolescent psychiatric hospital. but my family truly thought it were a phase and i was over and done with it. they had no idea how much internal pain i was dragging with me every step i took. while i was lying in the hospital bed of icu i remembered thinking about the nothingness i had longed for and how selfish it was of me. the more i thought of it though the more i was ashamed yet it had no positive effect on me. i finally left the hospital under the doctors orders to not drink alcohol for 6 months to a year and i was scheduled therapy treatment. i denied both the doctors orders and therapy. i havent been on medication constistantly, ever in my life. soon there after i started binge drinking and i still do. i carelessly eccesively drink almost every night. i have no idea what shape my liver is in, a part of me doesnt care. i sometimes drink in hopes that maybe thats the way i will die. if the tylenol hasn't killed me then maybe the alcohol after the damage to my liver will. i'm certain it will. i'm only 18, i know i have my whole life ahead of me but i dont see how i'll ever amount to anything. i'm a high school drop out, i'm now a community college drop out, i havent held a job for more than a week and i just dont see how this world can benefit from a waste like me. i just am causing my friends and family so much more pain breathing than i would if i were 6 feet under. i wish i could say that my suicide attempt had a positive effect on my life, i wish it had somehow opened my eyes to something but all it's done is proved me right, that i don't deserve to be here. i'm not worthy of life.:sad:
  2. hecte

    hecte Active Member

    Sorry but ya cant kill yourself with tylenol. Im sure what you went through was a living nightmare though. Over the counter drugs can do severe damage and cause lots of pain but rarely rarely kill.
  3. Shyfear

    Shyfear Well-Known Member

    Why dont you tell that to my dead sister? She suicided on tylenol.

    I'm truly sorry Barbara, I dont think there's much that I can say to help you, because I'm in the same state and plan to suicide in a little over a week. I really hope someone can give you some hope. I know it's so hard to to deal with the pain. If you ever need someone to talk to, I promise I will listen and try to help <3

    I hope you are alright, I love you <3

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    yeah you can..if ure allergic to it or any pain killer or aspirin, just like I am.the doc told me that was kina dommon but people simply didnt know they were alergic at all. I found out myself because I had a stomach hemoragy on surgery because I had taken too many ibuprofen for a broken hand. I was urged to the hospital and almost passed away.
    I can know understand why some ple who have Oded on aspirin and tylenol passed out ( not counting those of liver damage).
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