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It's been 9 years now and I still have no desire to live.

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I've been suicidal ever since I was 10 years old. Even back when I just started school, I used to have these "emotional episodes". I never understood why I am the way I am. I'm not going to lie and say that everything has always been great with my family and friends but even before my parents got divorced and I became friendless, I was a nervous/paranoid wreck. I was always so scared and emotional and still am to an extent, I just hide it better now.

I have also been trying to figure out my depression. How can a person who is scared of death constantly be thinking of dying? I just don't understand it.

I have since my 10th birthday decided that I will not reach the age of 20. I'll be 19 now in April so I guess I don't have that much time left..
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Been to therapists, they were to no help. :(

I am aware of the fact that suicide is considered stupid, selfish and an easy way out but this annoying "feeling" inside of me makes me want to stab myself.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
You need to talk to a professional there are new medications out that treat depression with less side effects and have help people live again they have.
No need to stay in the suffering you are in Call your doctor and get some help so you can be living a life you want to live hugs


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as much as i come to realize people not touched by suicide project theyr own persona on people thet do it and it disgusts me
They dont need to understand why u r in that much pain they r to selfish to care aand will call u stupid for thinking or doing it since its not in theyr horizon
You need to find a psychiatrist and tell the dr about it.. Also ask the dr to recommend a good counsellor for you.. :hug: and take care.. Feeling suicidal is not stupid but you are lost and confused.. You need medical help and someone to guide you..


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Suicide is neither stupid, selfish, nor an easy way out. It's an obvious solution to a problem that would otherwise be insurmountable. No one who thinks of suicide as an answer to their problems is stupid.

Calling it selfish is arguable. It's true it can leave a devastating wound on anyone who cared about you, but sometimes it just feels necessary. It's an act meant to save the self from an unbearable situation. That's all it is.

And it sure as fuck isn't an easy way out. Suicide is hard as hell to pull off correctly. And even if you do everything right, you might still live and end up with permanent brain and/or organ damage, depending on what you did to yourself.


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Regarding societyes reactions to traumatizeing stuff (death is the most life altering thing .....)...its always submediocre (the poorer, dumber and and selfish the more bad the reaction) cause it reaches peoples lizard brain and threathens theyr peace of mind and all ull get is useless idiotic cliches and abuse cause they dont want to deal even with the thought of it . (good luck in fitting in the cliches!) No one wants to see certain realityes or go there, most even if they ended there and got out will be in denial to keep theyr social pride and sence of belonging. (and it sikens me cause i can see the results of this type of fakeness ) In my opinion people sayng suicide is selfish r incredibly selfish themeselves and abuseing a bad situation, or not haveing the courage to go there (mental place) and the strenght to get out k.

As much as I see suicide is a lot of times an act of saveing honour as person does not want to go any lower lifewise and it takes strenght to go thro it even thoguh some people dont realize. I have already been thor to much pain and dotn have that strneght and am kinda dreading i did not do it when i had it. Tbh I respect most people thet do it and feel bad of the situation life and people put them in. Society really sux a lot of times and has this way of trapping people. Its normal to not want to go on withouth dignity or any hope, its really what defines ur as humans.

I was made to feel my life was worthless and am not deserveing of it but when i started blatantly acting on it people did not agree with that either cause it says somethign about them and does not look good.

We r not existing independenly, its also a deep insult/accusation to most people around u u want to exit the life they contributed building for you and like to pretend is k, so yah they will get mad.
Sad part is the most insulting insult for some people is reality, so they tend to deny that. But in my opinion its theyr selfishness for putting u in pain even if only by ignorance and stupidity and than expecting u to dedicate your life to them and give up some or ur dignity in the porcess. And no its not a prize u will get if u do it.

Dunno, i see some people with mentall issues find some help/confort in people like tham but tbh the scaryer or unusuall the issues the more u can be shure ur left to think and fend for urself.

Also been suicidal since 10 and was also masochistical (thing thet diminished more and more with makeing sence of what im going thro)
I had very emotionally abusive and controlling and chaotic parents by all standards (and wondering if they r not schitzo), and a rare bone desease they denied i have whilst other people always gave me hell for it .I did not know whats wrong with me only recently found out what it is.My parents always told me im just imagining stuff and its all in my head and my jugemnet is impaired and bad and even thet im shitzophrenic (been to 7 psich always by my will and struggle and they only found severe depression and anxiety), but I never got any medical care for the condition other than when i was newborn (as i later found out). I only now found out about the desease lately looking online, SINCE ALL PEOPLE EVER TOLD ME WAS BS.
Nedless to say what these do to u at 14.
Im not going to say what I ve been put thro and how my life was damaged over and over unnecesarily by everyone around me but I doubt ill ever manage to give more than a led nickle on what people think and say they think about the real me as much as id like to. I feel like should rip peoples faces of for acting like they have anything to say to me or about me most of the time.
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