It's been a long time...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Xenta, Aug 18, 2014.

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  1. Xenta

    Xenta Well-Known Member

    It's been awhile since I have been on here, looking at my post history almost 5 years. A lot has changed since then, a lot as stayed the same. I have a good job and I am able to support my self. But this last eight months has been hard in my personal life and in so many other ways.

    In December I kicked my GF of 2.5 year out, she was basically using me to for money and a place to stay. I have a history getting involved with people like this. It's pretty normal for me to fall for someone that does not want the same thing I do, and only uses me with out anything in return. Shortly after word in Feb, a friend of mine asked me to help her move. I hadn't seen her for a few years and it was kinda out of the blue. I helped her and we ended up getting pretty close. I know a lot of her secrets and she knew all of mine. I did the dumbest thing I could have done and fell for her.

    Once again this is just another example of me getting used. She needed help with gas money to get to and form work. I ended doing random road trips with here that I loved, that she didn't give anything to. It was pretty simple to fall for her. She had gotten out of a abusive 3 year relationship, had a fuck buddy on the side. But we finally had that talk and thinking back on it she was pretty much stringing me along. She gave the normal lines of I am not ready and that I can't see myself being with anyone anytime soon. Then would call when anything bad happened in her life. Seeing it all now, and a lot of my friends were telling me this at the time, it really was like we were dating. But she started dating some one about a month ago, and all of that stopped, no more phone calls, or random late night texts. I of course heard all of the lovely details leading up to it and knew it was about to happen. Because what are best friends for? I told her I never want to see or speak to her again a few days ago.

    In the mean time my EX started dating someone in Jan and my EX and I have been seeing each other on and off since we broke up. She's cheated on her current BF with me on and off for the past 8 months. She has also been stringing me along and basically telling me that she would want to get back together with me, if she wasn't living with her current BF. I don't think this will ever happen, she's one that will latch onto the first thing that comes by that says she pretty. In this case it was him, shes been using him the same way that she used me. But for some reason I can't walk away, she still wants to be friends and with everything else that has happened. Letting someone else that is close to me go, is harder then it has been in the past.

    The last 5 months have been busy as hell at work, most of the staff left, leaving me to hold down the fort. Talking 12-14 hours days, weekends, weeknights, you name it. This was a godsend when all of this first started. Being able to lose myself in work was helpful. But now I am coming out of it and I am seeing what a mess that everything is. In the last 8 months, I have broken up with my GF, gained a best friend and lost them. I have been turning more and more to drugs and booze to help coop with everything. I am not feeling depressed as much as I am looking at this waste land, wondering if I have enough straight for yet another fight, that will cause yet more scares(figure of speech for the time being).

    Honestly, I feel like I am defeated any more. That really no one gives a shit if I just disappear tomorrow. Given the connections that I have with people, I could make it happen rather easily. It's funny, I worked so hard to get where I am now, I would give it all up to have a fraction of the simple love that I see around me... I can't deal with another war right now, I am tired of the battles....
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Xenta hard to change it is but you can and when you change when you respect YOU then you won't let these women use you ok you will find someone that respects you and treats you the way you want with true affection You are tired right now so don't fight the battle alone ok you stay here talk with us maybe if you can get some therapy to heal some to get you on a different path in regards to relationships You have worked hard so do n't give up ok not yet hugs
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