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It's been a while, and I don't know if I can do it anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Juan, Dec 11, 2012.

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  1. Juan

    Juan Member

    I don't know if I see a point in going on. I always used to see hope in the future, but I can't see a path that leads to a good place. For the first time, I'm thinking about killing myself.I am notthinking about doing so to prove anything to anyone, and I would want to doso in the way that would hurt the people I care about the least, but I don't know if I want this anymore.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I think that no matter how you decide to do it, the people you care about will end up feeling hurt. What is it that has gotten you to this point? Why do you feel that suicide is the only option for you?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun sounds like your depression is very deep now Sorry you are so low Is there anything that has caused this in particular hun can you talk to us about it. Hun there is always options ok support so please hun reach out and get some ok hugs
  4. Juan

    Juan Member

    Please don't mention living for my loved ones, I've always hated that argument. I can understand using it to guilt someone into not killing themselves, but it does not help people feel better.

    Well, I've had problems for a while, but the worst started a few months ago. My girlfriend, now ex, entered a bipolar manic phase. She's been harming herself, and no matter what I do, even if I seem to help sometimes, she always seems to go back to the same shit. I feel useless. The rest of my life has been going down since there. I can't take seeing someone I love and care so much about like this. I would rather she fell in love with someone else.
  5. Juan

    Juan Member

    This morning I woke up about to puke and shaking on my spot. I can't find a place to hide in my head.
  6. Juan

    Juan Member

    Just fuck it, not even people here care, past the usual "don't do it"
  7. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    if i could figure out how to post it took me a couple of tries here

    you went from talking about how can not see someone you care about receiving your help and not getting better which is painful

    i am guessing that you have words in your head that i would say "don't do it" granted i sure want to

    just wondering its so worthwhile for you to get better even before the person you care about... maybe you know how to be strong in a way that they dont as it sounds like that

    why not stay about being the caring person you are? and joining me in saying "dont do it" when its about not doing any harm to someone like you
  8. Juan

    Juan Member

    I don't think I'll do it...I just plain feel desperate. I can stay strong, and I stood strong for her for a long time. How am I supposed to stay strong when I can see her hurting herself, when I see the person she was fading away. I don't know how to get over her in the best of cases, but getting over her like this seems impossible.
    My life isn't that great, either. I feel sick of myself, and I feel sick of others. I feel like I have lost my spark, all the things that made me happy just barely keep me entertained now, and I feel like I don't have much content. I also have a hard time finding someone who I find "worthwhile", and I feel so much contempt for most people. Sometimes at night, I call the psychological support hotline. I just realize how useless those people are. Their monotone condescending voice and their scripted questions and answers just makeme sick. I know they won't be useful, but I guess I just want to complain to someone.
  9. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    ok lot to digest here

    as for watching someone fall... this is unique? i mean i cant spell unique.... but really it might not be the 1st time you have seen someone fail but this is the time that it is currently happening... She has tunnel vision and cant see around to find a solution outside of her current actions which cause you great distress as you weigh actions you cant figure out... so in life this is not in your control but even you say you stood strong through it so far and thats a caring person

    now it cant be ignored that something different needs to be done.... can you make new friends here to talk to more anonymosly? through either private messages, chat room, or as you are now posting to me... as this kinda of peer thing will not give you that scripted feeling as many here are at different points but understand in ways you might not have thought about for now.... if nothing else its just good you came here anyhow as we are all a little different and very much the same

    i know i am the same as many here in wanting you to stay in contact here til your inherent strength and prespective return in a manner you can handle in small doses
  10. Juan

    Juan Member

    I don't really feel interested in finding online only friends, and as I said, it's hard for me to find someone I like to talk to. I don't think a chat room is the place for me, as I don't feel like being social in the usual sense of the word.
    Something people never answer me though is, how can I feel better when I know what she is doing to herself? How can I get over it? Over someone like she used to be just fading away, and me not being able todo anything about it. I've dealt with death of loved ones, of aunt and my great aunt, but that made me feel sad in a manageable way. I missed them so much, but I knew nothing "bad" happened. This is so much complicated, and the worse is that it keeps on happening. I can'tforget all the shit that has happened, because I know it probably keeps happening, and I keepthinking about it and feeling impotent.
    She also, before all this shit started, was my support for all the bad things that happened. I have no one who truly understands me, the good and the bad of me. I feel lonely, extremely lonely. I have people that care about me, but I can hardly deal with them. I always end up exhasperated at the things they tell me. I feel so much self loathing too...I'm just tired...that's why I have fantasies about killing myself. Killing myself in the way that would cause those that care the least pain , and leave them my money. Then some other times when I am so frustrated with them, I feel like just doing it out of spite. Not "to show them", but thinking, fuck them, I've asked for their help and it's not like I ever fucking get anything else than crap.
    Then I meet people that sometimes intend to help, not because they care, but because they are into helping others in fucked up ways. They offer me gods, and all kinds of panaceas which I know are bullshit. I just...I feel like I need someone to lean on, but I also know what would probably not be good for me.I'm confused...
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