It's been a while since I've been here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pioneer, Sep 8, 2009.

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  1. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    It might not be good that I'm back. But I have given up on myself. I have no desires anymore, I want nothing and I am giving everything away. My games and electronics, money and jewelry, ambition and desire. I don't want anything anymore, I just want to leave. I don't want to be a part of the world around me, I don't want to try in vain anymore. I don't want to be a part of my family anymore, I just can't be comfortable around them. I don't care to make friends because I will just leave like I've always done. And I don't want my future because I don't want to work for an empty promise anymore.

    I'm just living day to day now and I'm starting to make concrete plans instead of swimming in the fantasy that I've had for over a decade. I don't care about my success I just want to leave. But most of all I want everyone else to feel the pain of loss so they will finally understand me. This is how I want to reach out to them.

    I'll take a trip maybe in a couple of months, Oct., Nov., Dec. One of those months I will leave the country on a one way trip to a random country that will pick ot of the blue. I'll bring a little cash but nothing else because I'll travel to that country to die. I want to be as far away from my life as possible and die the same way I was born, the same way that I lived. I want to die foreign, alone, and empty.

    Its been a while since I've posted here, I don't know if I'll be able to post in a few months.
     
  2. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    this hurt me a lot reading because i feel the same way you do much of the time. causing harm to yourself just to make them feel something is really selfish, but i'm sure that doesn't matter to you because you feel they don't appreciate you to begin with. i hope you manage to muster up strength to live on, even if it all feels pointless. and besides, if you're dead you won't know if they feel sad or not, you won't be able to see the look on their face.
     
  3. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I know that it may seem selfish to want my own death but its not. I've always given all my life. I gave my money, time, love, and respect and now there is only one thing that I want in life and thats death. I don't care if they are sad but even if its just for a moment I want them to feel lost and foreign. I have no ambition. I might finish my last year in college or I just may die tomorrow but I have no desires or ambitions.
     
  4. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    being a good person is it's own reward and i know that's shitty but that's how it is. i know how it feels like to just want death, to be tired of life. please, stick around. surely it can't all be that bad.... please, you sound like a very good person.
     
  5. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    I have stuck around, for years. A little longer will make no difference to me because a little longer has come and gone. I know how you feel. You want to save me because you think that I am a good person and there's not enough of us around. But I'm not at good as you may think. I have these demons that I can't fight anymore, something that I cannot talk about unless I'm at my deathbead. I cannot win against them and I don't care to fight anymore. I've already been to a psychiatrist and have been going for years but I'm stopping now because nothing has changed and I'm wasting money. I don't want to try and defeat them now but I will take them down with me and in the process I'll turn in my game card. But I feel that I might finish my senior year of college as one last gift to my family. They can have my diploma but I'm taking my life.
     
  6. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    what good is your diplomoa to them if you're dead?
     
  7. Pioneer

    Pioneer Well-Known Member

    Bragging rights, like its always been. You know none of them have ever even had a real conversation with me until I left for college. I get all kinds of random family members suddenly showing interest because they think that i will make money. I will leave once I have a diploma, either through death or just never have contact again. I was a fool to pick a school so close to home. Hell I think it was stupid to go to school in the first place, I originally wanted to go to war but I was to nice to put my family through that and fight a white mans war. I should have went.
     
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