I haven't been here in quite a long time. I believe it's been 5 months? I'm not coming back to say I got worse. I'm not necessarily better but I'm definitely not worse. There's been a few outstanding things that have happened. A few absolutely annoying and horrible things that have happened. I've made new friends, loved new people, lost others, and felt soul raking sorrow. I've bought new books, lent others, given some away. I've had new people open up to me and I've given my story to others as well. Right now, I'm just a little confused. My last day at work was the 5th of July. I haven't had off more than three days in a row in a year and needless to say my mental state has been quite shaken. It's going to take a lot from me to get used to not having a busy schedule and running a thousand miles a second for another month. Work was fun and I'm definitely going to miss that sense of accomplishment. But I'm proud to say that I can admit I needed this time off. Some could say it's lazy or just silly to take off a month before school, that I should've kept saving and I don't have anything productive planned. This is true. I'm being lazy and unproductive and that's what is hurting. But I need this slow down time before I jump in again. I need to consume myself with people so that I'll get burnt out and move on to school without missing everyone too terribly. I work in regeneration: I obsess over something until I'm too sick of it and I move away from it until I miss it again and I go back and obsess over the new experience and the cycle hums. I think it can be healthy if I keep at it right. I've even gotten back into drawing and some writing. A few bumps have come along in the form of people and feelings and uncertainty - it's definitely a trip with the current "love interest", unsure of how to handle things and what I need to do - but I would be lying if I said I didn't appreciate the normal drama for once. No more knives and harsh words and threats of losing someone forever. The worst I've been through in the form of people lately has been sassy banter and bitchy attitudes. I'm learning how to handle it, but I think I can manage. I'm still trying to keep it together and I've certainly had my close calls. But every day I think I'm slipping, I've had a hand to make the next day feel 100 times better than the horrible low the night before. I've got a wonderful new friend, a fantastic idea, a genuine heart to hold, and my family seems to have eased up. I'm not sure where this is going to lead and I can feel a hole in my chest like I'm going to have to break soon for the sake of getting well again but I think, even if that time has to come, I just might be able to get through it. I've got a face in my head that wont get out. I've got a laugh in my memory that makes me feel warm. And I've got the ghost of a hand that makes me tickle all over and I think, for once, I just might have a reason to stay. I'm not going to rely on it and hold on like it's the last thread - I think I've found the remedy that I can stand next to instead of lean on. And if they chose to walk away, I think I can still stay standing just for the experience they've given me. I don't need them indefinitely and I don't credit them for all of my success; but I can say that their help has made me smile the most and that I enjoy their presence over the others and that, I think, is something I can be proud of. So I've been well. And thank you, for being a great community. I missed you all and I hope you're doing well. Even if you aren't, which is more probable, I still appreciate you. That's a word I've learned to use often and I think it'll help others if they start over-using it like I do. Please, just look up for a second, say thank you to nothing, tell the air or the sky or the chair or your friend or this post that you appreciate them. Take a deep breath. And repeat "it's ok" over and over again. Thank you. I appreciate you.