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its been a while....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by youwillneverknow, Dec 22, 2010.

  1. youwillneverknow

    youwillneverknow New Member

    i just feel like i need too let this out this since no one will ever hear me say it in person. i dont know how much sense this will make but i need to get some of these thoughts out there

    im a very unhappy person. i put on a smile everyday so no one bothers me. i hate talking about it.

    im 21 now but have been in and out of treatment since 13. @ 16 i was sent to long term treatment. the only thing it taught me was to NEVER tell anyone about wanting to hurt myself.

    while growing up my parents were busy working, taking care of my autistic older brother and living there own life. so im a very independant person emotionally. i dont talk about how i feel. but being through some of the life events ive been through has taught me a lot and all my friends come to me when they are having problems. the only problem is, well who the fuck do i go too?

    a little about me that no one knows the whole story too. i know my life hasnt been that hard but it has been for me. i grew up in the suburbs in a family on the lower income side of things. ive been bullied, ive bullied. ive lost friends and family to my actions. ive had friends kill themselves, i had friends that have been murdered and ive had friends who have been convicted of murder.
    ive watched 2 family members die slow painful deaths in hospitals. last year while driving i saw a terrible rollover accident. i stopped to help and the driver of the car died in my arms ( i changed my clothes before i got home and never told anyone about this).
    numerous unhealthy relationships
    girls have cheated on me numerous times and ill admit ive cheated too.
    many self harming action and very close suicide attempts( i have stopped these since it was ruining my life even worse than it already was)

    all this among other things have made me the person i am today. the person i cant stand living with. i go days without sleeping just because i cant fall asleep. its getting to the point to where im cutting myself off from the world and i hate myself for that. the only thing that keeps me alive is my lack of religion. i believe when you die thats it lights out end of story. and i wanna live my 1 life reguardless of what happens. this is my 1 shot. ill admit i think about ending it everyday but stop myself in hopes that tomorrow will be better but it never is. a person can hang on only so long.

    ugh too everyone reading this i hope things get better in your life. i feel like my sun has burnt out but i will continue to drag my feet through day after day and hopefully something changes or i xxxxx. wish me luck in life
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think you talked about something very important, sharing how you are feeling...when we start to do that, we find others have similar experiences, making ours not as isolating or seemingly damaged...you have been through so much and have seemed to have 'gotten through'...maybe now is the time, to talk to others...we are here to support you and many of us know the cost of having to live through very difficult times...so glad you posted and please continue to share with us...big hugs, J
  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    **hug** if you want it

    Sounds to me like you are on the road to joining our exclusive club; The Rock Club. You are still young and stand a chance of opting out of membership. Some of us tend to keep all our experiences, thoughts, feelings, to ourselves. Even those deep life experiences, the harsh ones, the brutality of life hitting you smack in the face. Rarely share our inner joys either. For me, it just never occurs to share, then again although i like people, and I am around many, i am a true introvert at heart. We are the ones who are there for others, fielding problems, listening, offering some practical advice, being the good friend or human being, solving problems, etc. Always sturdy and strong for those who lean on us. This is also how people see us. I would be voted the least likely person to be depressed, i've had people tell others....wow i wish i could be like her, she is always so happy....and generally, prior to a year ago, i fairly much was although, i still was that Rock.

    Thing is it only lasts so long. Rocks wear down, they can crack, break, shatter. Trust me. I know this one well. I've shattered twice. Got over the first one quickly. This one, not so quickly.

    You've taken a good first step by sharing. If you can find a way to keep doing this...sharing with someone or sharing here, it would really help in the long run. Keeping things inside just tends to backfire over time. Lots of pressure. May not seem that way now, wait until you are 28 or 48. A lifetime of holding it all inside. Being Strong. It can't last forever without some release. People really do need people.

    I wish you luck in avoiding membership. I hope you can find a way to connect with others, share some of your heart. I suspect you have a good one there, from what i've seen.

    Hope you keep sharing.

    **hug** more hugs if you want them

    one question; In part, your experiences(or your reactions/processing) have made you who you are, but what about those experiences causes you to feel distress about living with yourself? I too have experienced some of what you have been through...did you choose this? These things can surely cause us pain and grief, especially when we hold them in, keep them to ourselves, but what about the experiences, how is it they are causing you to feel distress about living with yourself? Are they haunting you? Perhaps a bit of ptsd or do you wonder if you could have done something, guilt, shame? Do they make you feel less than human? I'm simply trying to understand. They are difficult things to live with, agreed...but, most of what you mention, is not your fault. If there were actions that were errors in your judgement, it's time to Forgive yourself, and go forward. Life is a process...we learn along the way often through our errors. We don't need to beat ourselves up though. Honest. You go forward, you change the way you do things. I think you can do this. I think you can be okay. Truly.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2010
  4. youwillneverknow

    youwillneverknow New Member

    after everything im just kinda numb to people dying and its just not right. but on my bad days it just eats away at me. i have no idea why (probably ptsd)
  5. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    numb can last a while. Not healthy, although it can protect you to an extent. It can keep us from totally losing it. Can also keep us kind of stoic and helps maintain our Rock status.

    If you can find a way to connect with others who have been through similar experiences it can help. Honest. Talking isn't easy. Very difficult for me as well. I can share so much, but i have a protected point i tend to not delve into. I'm sure this isn't good for me either.

    There are others here at sf, who have lost people. Suicide, murder, people dying in their arms. My hope is that some of those folks will share with you, or that perhaps you read some of the forums where folks have shared their experiences. Could start with; Loved and Lost forum.

    I'm so sorry you have gone through this. I just get this feeling from what you've written, that you have so very much to offer other people. Sometimes, by helping others cope, if we can take a chance, and open up, share a piece of ourselves, we can receive a bit of healing as well. It's a tough long road **tears** (yeah, real tears here). You can do it!

    On those bad days, perhaps you could start a thread, or keep talking here at this one, and share what is going through your head and maybe what your heart might be feeling as well? I suspect you'll find a good deal of support.

    I'm currently trying to stay in a bit of a numb mode...i've got to get myself through this day or i would share some things with you. Please, please talk to people, try to open up a bit and share some of your bad days.