It's been a while...

It's been a while but I thought I would come back and have a look around. I have been writing on my blog quite a bit more than I have been writing on here. I thought things were pretty stable for me at the moment. Kind of met a guy and it's going well with him...although not got as far as having to explain the scars yet. Anyway. Even though all the things seem to be going better I am still making plans for in a couple of weeks time. I have been planning it for a while now and is not a spare of the moment impulsive decision.

I have been planning it for a few months now. I have come out of the horrible depression but something still lurks. Something is hiding in the shadows waiting to pounce. It's how I feel all the time. The not knowing is killing me. I feel as though I have adrenaline coursing through my veins and I am on high alert. But this is my stable. This, other than those feelings of the adrenaline, is I suppose as close to normal as I am ever going to get.

I don't know why when I feel like maybe things are a bit more stable that I continue to plan for that night in the not to distant future. I made my decision about it when I was stuck in that deep black hole. But, even though I have somehow climbed out of it I am still left with the same plans, the same thoughts. The cycles are pretty normal for me. Low for a few weeks, come out of it for a week or so, low again, normal, high for a few weeks, then back to being normal. But how long for? It's always the same. It may be a few months I feel pretty normal for. I think the longest may have been about 3-4 months.

Am I kidding myself about being stable. After all what stable person has thoughts like mine. What stable person plans their own death?

I cancelled my appointment with Sam this week. Told her I was ill. I couldn't be bothered to go. I finished work early and came home and couldn't be bothered to leave the hosue again. I will see her next week but then I wont see her again for a few weeks. I saw her last week but that was the first time in over a month. She asked me what I was thinking about in these next coming weeks as I glanced over the subject with her a few weeks back. I lied and said I hadn't thought that much of it. I can't be bothered with counselling anymore. I think the only thing that keeps me going to it is because I know Sam has gone beyond what she should do for me and goes to meetings away from her usual place of work about me. She is working with the Clinical Psychologist for me. I don't think when I first met her she thought she would have to put so much in. I didn't expect her to and I don't want her to feel like it's been a waste of time etc. So that's the only reason I still go to counselling. Great?!

 

I am glad you are still going to councilling even if it is just for Sam You will continue to get something okay from the sessions It will keep you from islolating to Keep posting to hun it helps to get all those thoghts out okay

 

Oh, you would be surprised Golden Psych.

In fact, it comes to a point in this world when its like its insane not to think about it - if you know what I mean.

The cats out of the bag as we say in England - and your just more honest than me. People think I'm like, 'together' just because I do not have a plan to die. I'll stretch it out - dying slowly is better than shooting yourself in the head - I mean, the best you can do is die slowly - in the sense that you might enjoy life in the meantime.

We will all die one day. Planning it - you think you've got control maybe. You leave that 'get-out' clause open for this and that. Most of it is just normal stuff - I mean, many people actually function although they are unstable - millions in the UK would steal from you - harm you and may be not so nice to you.

If your mentally ill and a success - you might never want the cure.

Being depressed, its not YOU who is unstable!

I read your blog - you have your life together in so many ways but need to settle down a little - share that darkness to someone! And I'm not talking counsellors who - I don't know, seems like were all just ready to confess everything in a hurry sometimes!

I guess your at the start of something, but I only mention it as its better than nothing. Scary maybe - but life is ever so. Your too savvy to not spot an idiot - or at least have some mates who could see sense for you!

Back to planning your death. (sorry to sound blasé, but were adults)

The way I see it - I guess loneliness is almost always in any suicide note. Rare cases its about people with certain illnesses who jump before they get slowly pushed - but that is not your issue - not really.

Depression is an illness - but unlike many others it can persist to the point were you think your the only one in the world as unstable as you. You 'disconnect' - shun life instead of really living. At worse, you really do disconnect - the old 'I felt alone in a football crowd' feeling - or that your at a distance from people - nobody knows you, which is of course perfectly true because you've had to hide that part of you which hates yourself.

Why would anyone NOT hide that part?

But chill out a little also - everyone is hiding something, and planning your own death, I'm sure 49% of the adults in England would just say "I know what you mean"

I'm sure things will work out for you!