It's been a while but I thought I would come back and have a look around. I have been writing on my blog quite a bit more than I have been writing on here. I thought things were pretty stable for me at the moment. Kind of met a guy and it's going well with him...although not got as far as having to explain the scars yet. Anyway. Even though all the things seem to be going better I am still making plans for in a couple of weeks time. I have been planning it for a while now and is not a spare of the moment impulsive decision.
I have been planning it for a few months now. I have come out of the horrible depression but something still lurks. Something is hiding in the shadows waiting to pounce. It's how I feel all the time. The not knowing is killing me. I feel as though I have adrenaline coursing through my veins and I am on high alert. But this is my stable. This, other than those feelings of the adrenaline, is I suppose as close to normal as I am ever going to get.
I don't know why when I feel like maybe things are a bit more stable that I continue to plan for that night in the not to distant future. I made my decision about it when I was stuck in that deep black hole. But, even though I have somehow climbed out of it I am still left with the same plans, the same thoughts. The cycles are pretty normal for me. Low for a few weeks, come out of it for a week or so, low again, normal, high for a few weeks, then back to being normal. But how long for? It's always the same. It may be a few months I feel pretty normal for. I think the longest may have been about 3-4 months.
Am I kidding myself about being stable. After all what stable person has thoughts like mine. What stable person plans their own death?
I cancelled my appointment with Sam this week. Told her I was ill. I couldn't be bothered to go. I finished work early and came home and couldn't be bothered to leave the hosue again. I will see her next week but then I wont see her again for a few weeks. I saw her last week but that was the first time in over a month. She asked me what I was thinking about in these next coming weeks as I glanced over the subject with her a few weeks back. I lied and said I hadn't thought that much of it. I can't be bothered with counselling anymore. I think the only thing that keeps me going to it is because I know Sam has gone beyond what she should do for me and goes to meetings away from her usual place of work about me. She is working with the Clinical Psychologist for me. I don't think when I first met her she thought she would have to put so much in. I didn't expect her to and I don't want her to feel like it's been a waste of time etc. So that's the only reason I still go to counselling. Great?!
I have been planning it for a few months now. I have come out of the horrible depression but something still lurks. Something is hiding in the shadows waiting to pounce. It's how I feel all the time. The not knowing is killing me. I feel as though I have adrenaline coursing through my veins and I am on high alert. But this is my stable. This, other than those feelings of the adrenaline, is I suppose as close to normal as I am ever going to get.
I don't know why when I feel like maybe things are a bit more stable that I continue to plan for that night in the not to distant future. I made my decision about it when I was stuck in that deep black hole. But, even though I have somehow climbed out of it I am still left with the same plans, the same thoughts. The cycles are pretty normal for me. Low for a few weeks, come out of it for a week or so, low again, normal, high for a few weeks, then back to being normal. But how long for? It's always the same. It may be a few months I feel pretty normal for. I think the longest may have been about 3-4 months.
Am I kidding myself about being stable. After all what stable person has thoughts like mine. What stable person plans their own death?
I cancelled my appointment with Sam this week. Told her I was ill. I couldn't be bothered to go. I finished work early and came home and couldn't be bothered to leave the hosue again. I will see her next week but then I wont see her again for a few weeks. I saw her last week but that was the first time in over a month. She asked me what I was thinking about in these next coming weeks as I glanced over the subject with her a few weeks back. I lied and said I hadn't thought that much of it. I can't be bothered with counselling anymore. I think the only thing that keeps me going to it is because I know Sam has gone beyond what she should do for me and goes to meetings away from her usual place of work about me. She is working with the Clinical Psychologist for me. I don't think when I first met her she thought she would have to put so much in. I didn't expect her to and I don't want her to feel like it's been a waste of time etc. So that's the only reason I still go to counselling. Great?!
