I joined this forum almost exactly a year ago. I post rarely. Why am I still here? You would think by now I would have either had the courage to end my life or get better and no longer nee to come back to places of this sort... But I'm not better and tonight I think I want to die again. I have not had suicidal feelings this certain and this strong in a very long time. The last time I felt this way.. I did almost die.. but I ultimately I failed to. I fail at most things. My chest feels so heavy. I feel so sad my skin feels heavy and my skin hurts. I haven't signed on to this site in many months.. I suppose I am just posting to have somewhere to write out how I'm feeling.. maybe I'm using this as a place to kinda sort out my thoughts in writing... if anyone's there and online.. I could really use a friendly someone tonight though. There's no reason for me to want to die. There's just also no reason for me to want to live. Im parasitical..I draw disabilty..I suck from those around me.. and do nothing with what I recieve but exist.. here in this apartment in misery. It would be so easy to just not wake up.. so tempting.. to close.. I don't know how long I can keep from doing this.. I've been writing poems.. maybe I'll post them here.. maybe it'd be good for me to get things off of my chest..