i've been experiencing some alarming symptoms which i first attributed to a looming, unknown organic issue. i went to the emergency room and was both pleased and chagrinned to learn that the symptoms were a product of my imagination and that i had a panic disorder. nearly everyday since then, i've been feeling detached from my surroundings. my mind has been playing some cruel pranks on me that have me somewhat fearful that i'm mentally unsound. i've been having some terrying dreams, spasms of horror in my day to day existence and even bursts of rage spattering about directed at anyone, although i'm proud to state that i've always conquered these feelings and that i've never and will never act on them if it meant that someone other than myself would get hurt. that said, i don't believe harming myself will do me any good if it didn't result in my immediate and painless expiration. pain is not something i enjoy facing and my vanity is such that i feel no desire to cut, bruise, maim and mangle myself as some crooked perception of punishment. death should not be painful, it should be peaceful. even if you intend to bring or fancy bringing it upon yourself. although i've been prescribed medication, i use it very sparingly because i don't believe that under the rug is a good place to relocate dust. after a pretty standard, mopey depression since my teens, life seems to be entering an even darker phase that seems to be beyond my power. my diet puts yours to shame, reader, i promise you that. i don't smoke, and have ceased all recreational drug use. but now, life seems to be trying to warn me that i'm CRAZY, for lack of better word. i can rarely achieve sleep, even though i know i'm going through every length to ascertain not only a diagnosis but the appropriate treatment for such a delicate condition, even though it brings me comfort that there exists within me some passion for living and life. i'm kept awake by my active imagination, to say the least. the thing is that i'm enduring and endeavouring and now i'm starting to wonder ... what am i trying to prolong, exactly? a largely forgettable life, most certainly, filled with failure and fruitless energies. did i mope and waste time in my younger youth only to end up in my prime of youth totally insane?