it's been a year!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blephenstoom, Sep 7, 2014.

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  1. blephenstoom

    blephenstoom Member

    i've been experiencing some alarming symptoms which i first attributed to a looming, unknown organic issue. i went to the emergency room and was both pleased and chagrinned to learn that the symptoms were a product of my imagination and that i had a panic disorder.

    nearly everyday since then, i've been feeling detached from my surroundings. my mind has been playing some cruel pranks on me that have me somewhat fearful that i'm mentally unsound. i've been having some terrying dreams, spasms of horror in my day to day existence and even bursts of rage spattering about directed at anyone, although i'm proud to state that i've always conquered these feelings and that i've never and will never act on them if it meant that someone other than myself would get hurt. that said, i don't believe harming myself will do me any good if it didn't result in my immediate and painless expiration. pain is not something i enjoy facing and my vanity is such that i feel no desire to cut, bruise, maim and mangle myself as some crooked perception of punishment. death should not be painful, it should be peaceful. even if you intend to bring or fancy bringing it upon yourself. although i've been prescribed medication, i use it very sparingly because i don't believe that under the rug is a good place to relocate dust.

    after a pretty standard, mopey depression since my teens, life seems to be entering an even darker phase that seems to be beyond my power. my diet puts yours to shame, reader, i promise you that. i don't smoke, and have ceased all recreational drug use. but now, life seems to be trying to warn me that i'm CRAZY, for lack of better word. i can rarely achieve sleep, even though i know i'm going through every length to ascertain not only a diagnosis but the appropriate treatment for such a delicate condition, even though it brings me comfort that there exists within me some passion for living and life. i'm kept awake by my active imagination, to say the least. the thing is that i'm enduring and endeavouring and now i'm starting to wonder ... what am i trying to prolong, exactly? a largely forgettable life, most certainly, filled with failure and fruitless energies. did i mope and waste time in my younger youth only to end up in my prime of youth totally insane?
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I do hope you go in and get your doctor to examine you do some blood work rule out anything medical that is wrong ok ask for a referal to see a pdoc if needed but don't sit and do nothing ok get support you deserve and need to get some stability back in your life
  3. Depression, panic disorder, not eating or sleeping well. These things are bad and can allow a person to believe there is no alternative. I can asure you that there is always a way out of everything. If you want peace you must become sick and tired of being sick and tired. I believe one of the ways that you can help yourself is to understand that you can over come this. that pain and death are only things that doesn't need to be in your thoughts, bad thoughts lead to bad actions. you seem smart and I'd be glad to be your friend. no condition or emotion will stop that, I will help you change the fate you think is inevitable. So do me a favor and imagine yourself happy, a place in life where there is nothing holding back your happiness. imagine the fruits of life treating you well. now imagine the journey to get there, step 1. lets start the journey
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