It's been an interesting ride

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InertiaCreep, Nov 9, 2013.

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  1. InertiaCreep

    InertiaCreep Member

    I'm not even really sure where to start, so I guess a bit of background will help.

    I've felt suicidal most of my adult life. My problems really started when I reached puberty, and I began to panic as my body began to change. I didn't realise it at the time, as this was in the days before the internet, and it wasn't really talked about then, but my confusion was due to me being transsexual. At the same time, I also started hearing voices, at first it was just my grandmothers voice. She had recently died, and I was consumed with grief, because she was the only adult that I really loved and trusted. My parents were quite abusive, especially my stepfather, who used to beat me regularly. So I didn't ever dare talk to them about my problems, and instead turned to drugs. Needless to say, this made everything worse, which culminated in me packing my bags and leaving home at sixteen.

    For the next seven or eight years, I lived a very chaotic life, with periods of homelessness, and trying to shut everything out with drugs. It was only when I reached my mid twenties, and learned about transsexuality, that I began to understand and face up to myself. I was still hearing voices, not all the time, but quite often. Depression was (and still is) a constant for me, akin to a sort of background noise, that I just learned to live with. But at least something was beginning to make sense to me.

    So the next four years or so were spent working towards my goal of transitioning. Fortunately, I hadn't sought any medical help for any of my problems at this point. If I had, then I probably wouldn't have got through the required assessments for hormone treatment and reassignment surgery. By this time though, I had met other transsexuals, and with some mutual coaching, knew how to approach the pdocs, what to say, what not to say, etc. and on the day of my thirtieth birthday, I went under the knife, and began the next chapter of my life.

    I then spent the next few years trying desperately to fit into my new role. The problem was though, although plenty of people seemed to find me attractive, I've never been viewed as female, instead I was always seen more as a hybrid, and the sexual partners that I've had, were I'm pretty sure, mostly curiosity fucks.

    After a few years of this, I gave up even trying to pass in public as female, as it was just too stressful, and it all culminated in a serious psychotic episode. It's one thing to suffer paranoia and hear voices that tell you you're a worthless freak and you'd be better off dead, but it's quite another thing when those voices are echoed by people in the street.

    There then followed a procession of psychiatrists, therapists and various mental health workers, none of which have seemed able to offer me a firm diagnosis, although schizoaffective disorder has been mentioned. In the meantime I've been prescribed a wide range of pills, some of which made me decidely worse. I'm now on Olanzapine, which seems to work quite well for me. It's not perfect though. I still suffer with periods of crushing depression and occasional wierdness, like phantom smells, and the side effects leave me feeling weary most of the time. But at least I feel as though I'm on a more even keel.

    During this time, in an effort to minimize abuse and feel safer leaving the house, I began dressing only in very neutral unisex clothes, jeans, hoodies and trainers, etc. But it seems even that isn't enough, as my face and figure mark me out as different. Every time I go out, I'm faced with running the gauntlet of sneering youths, verbal abuse, I've even been spat at and had stones thrown at me. It's gotten so bad now that I only leave the house when I really have too. It probably doesn't help that I live in a very rough neighborhood, but I'm stuck here, as I'm unemployed and so can't afford to move.

    And so here I sit. I'm nearly fifty, no family or friends. I hardly ever leave the house any more. The only conversations that have nowadays are with doctors and online friends. I really feel that my life, as eventful as it's been, has pretty much run it's course. I have nothing of value to offer anyone, other than to serve as a cautionary tale, and I'm just left now, feeling as though I'm treading water, sedated and sedentary, and quite frankly just weary with it all.

    Over the years, I've attempted suicide a few times, one or two attempts with hindsight seem quite funny to me now. But I have a plan in place now, one that I'm confident will work, and shouldn't be too traumatic. It's just a case of timing. I don't feel paticularly stressed or anxious about it, I just feel a kind of hollow sadness. I suppose it's because I spent my life wading through shit, only to end up absolutely up my neck in it, and with the knowledge that what has passed was probably about as good as it was ever going to get.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Thank you for posting - I have read a couple times now and have little that I can reply except that you are very well spoken, honest, and an excellent communicator. Those are traits that the world would be better off with more of rather than less of so I may dispute your assertion of being of limited value. As later 40's myself, I am hopeful that 50 is not in fact when my life has run its course and that your next 20 years is better than the previous 20. I just wanted you to know I read this ...... :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You do have people hun here that understand I am sorry you had to struggle so much Leaving is not the answer even the best lay plans hun can and do go wrong and you will be left with even more pain Please hun you reach out to your professionals that help you and see if there is a safer place for you to move a place where noone will harm you.
    Hold on here ok to people who will not judge you at all but will connect to your words and perhaps be help by them as they too will not feel so alone hugs
  4. InertiaCreep

    InertiaCreep Member

    Thank you both, for your kind words and support.

    Regarding seeking professional help. As I mentioned earlier, I've seen all sorts of mental health workers, and recently my GP referred me to a crisis team. They in turn have referred me on for CBT, but the current waiting list for that is about twelve months. NHS services in the UK, have in recent years faced heavy budget cuts, and mental health services have been at the receiving end of some of the most severe cut backs of all. Private treatment isn't an option for me, for the same reason that moving house to a safer area isn't an option, because I'm unemployed and I just can't afford it.

    I really feel now that I've had just about as much as I can take. I live in a very rough area, the walls of my home are black with mould, and a few years ago I had to choose between heating and hot running water, or an internet connection. For the sake of holding onto some semblence of sanity, I chose the latter. Every year that I hang on though, it gets harder and harder to bear. I've had about as much abuse as I can handle, and it feels like every winter, the cold and the damp eat away at me, more and more.

    For the last seven years or so, I feel that I've been hanging on by my fingernails, and that's just not a tenable position. I wish it were different, but there it is.
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