It's been so long it's hard too keep fighting

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by golrab, Dec 9, 2012.

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  1. golrab

    golrab Member

    I was 28 and she was 20. We dated 2 1/2 years and often talked about marriage after she became a nurse. Then she started acting differently and 2 months later she was telling me that although she loved me she wanted to break up, that she needed to be free but that maybe one day we would get back together. I tried my best to be supportive and wanted to stay friends because she was my life and I loved her madly and her family was very much my family too. Soon after she started dating again and 4 months later she was in a relationship that is still going on to this day. I've been in a deep depression for most of the last 2 years. Depression, weight loss, suicidal thoughts and planning (going to rooftops but being unable to jump or cutting but not cutting deep enough), anxiety, staying in bed... I've been on medication for decade and my doctor and I have tried different dosages and drug combos and sometimes I feel better for a week or two but it always comes back just as strong. I've hit rock bottom so many times but I can't stop thinking of her every day. I haven't talked to her in a year, just one text to say happy birthday. I couldn't handle seeing her act strange around me. She new I was in pain and she would often act guilty or get angry with me. So I've done what I could. Doctors and medication, exercise, dating, even getting into a fairly long relationship, but she's always in my thoughts no matter what. I'm keep breaking down and crumbling to the floor some nights, sobbing like a child! My reason tells me I'll never see her again, this is no movie or great romantic novel, but I feel like suicide is the only way whenever I tell myself that this is fact, that I'll feel her love again. What can I do!?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have to work with your therapist to move on you have to delete every connection you have with her You cannot have her she has moved on so time you move on With help of a good therapist you can let go of her and find someone who deserves your love someone who will return your love ok. Time to let go hun quit beating yourself up
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2012
  3. golrab

    golrab Member

    Is it possible that some people cannot move on? That they just continue to love the same person until the day they die? It's been two years. My therapist and I have tried cognitive therapy and sometimes I feel like it's going to be okay, but I fall apart for months at a time. Even when I'm doing okay I still think of her daily and find it hard to connect with women I like and am attracted to. I ended up making a girl a liked feel awful because I just couldn't commit to her after 6 months. I cared a lot about her but I felt so bad that I was still in love wife my ex.
     
  4. always_naive

    always_naive Member

    Golrab, I feel the same, especially I wasn't told why he chose to leave me when we knew we were perfect match. I have never had a closure. He is now in a committed relationship, but I just can't move on as much as I want to. I feel there is no hope that I will find another person that I would love as much, especially I am not young any more (45). Men always have more opportunities, they can date women half of their age ... I am losing faith, not just in relationship but the mankind and life in general. Suicide seems a solution to end the painful life.
     
  5. golrab

    golrab Member

    I understand. I guess it's hard for anyone. You know how stuff tends to pile on, well I lost nearly all my hair and lost 30lbs in the first 1 1/2 we were broken up. Age just hit me fast and hard. I've just had 3 days straight of crying after a really nice two weeks. It just hits me each month when I realize how much I miss her. I didn't see it coming. I was totally in love and in the matter of 4 months we went from talking marriage to her needing a break, which for her meant the end. I've put back on the weight but each time this happens it drains me and i feel like it's getting harder to fight suicide. But I'm afraid to be non-existent! If I did do it I would only be doing it for relief, because I can't seem to move on and enjoy my life again and when I do find a woman I am always thinking of her. How long do people like us need to grind this out before it gets tolerable.
     
  6. golrab

    golrab Member

    Thanks to those who responded. I've gotten through my low point for now. Hoping I can put together a few good weeks now.
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun hope you can put together more then a few good weeks hun just take one day at a time ok hugs
     
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