Hello,
I hope this is the correct place to write this. I am a 20 year old male from the US who has been suffering from depression since I was 14. I have tried everything I could think of to kick this feeling, including Electro Compulsive Therapy (ECT) about two months ago. I am the most confused I have ever been in my life and while I am finally starting to allow myself to actually question my past, I see very little progress. I have been institutionalized twice for a week each time, once for a suicide attempt and once voluntarily. I grew up in a nice town and always assumed that I'd have a promising future. I got good grades all through high school and had many ambitions (music, computers, surfing, skateboarding, snowboarding, etc...) I was depressed back then but not nearly as bad as I am now. I can't believe how much worse it has gotten over the years, especially the last two or three. I stopped working and going to school and now my days are spent laying around in bed. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and have no idea what it's like to be the happy person I once was. It doesn't help that the ECT has completely changed me and I have an extremely hard time trying to remember things and I honestly can't even describe it to myself or my family. I have sever anxiety that ruins my life. I used to have many friends and I was very active. I now have no desire to do anything productive or even fun. I feel as if I am a professional actor every time I go out with friends because all I do is fake smiles and pretend to be happy. I get nervous (anxious) around EVERYONE, including my friends and especially my family. I have no idea how this happened and part of it may be because I am blocking things out from my memory to stay sane. I can barely look my parents in the face because I know how much of a burden I am on them, and even if I'm not I feel as if I will be if this continues for much longer. I so badly do not want to be like this when I am expected to be an adult, which is beginning now. I have been on quite a few different medications and the only ones that have shown any value are Xanax and Klonipin, but I stopped taking them a while ago because they are addicting and I feel like a zombie walking around when I take them. Nothing really shocks me anymore. My friend killed himself about a month ago and it didn't feel the way it should feel when someone dies, especially in a horrible way. Anytime a tragedy occurs I just feel as if its just another test to see how much I can stand, until I finally break (which I have before). The only time I really feel any kind of emotion is when something is incredibly funny to me. I have an awesome family and great friends and all I want is to just be normal again. I used to literally think and wish I could be a rock star someday, now all I want is to be able to function in society. What seems impossible to me is so easy to everyone else I know. For example: graduating college, getting a job, getting married/having a relationship, being genuinely happy or sad when the time is right... Part of me wants to end all of this for good and be freed of the pain I feel every minute of every day, yet a small part of me wants to fix things if possible. Anyone with advice please help me I'm desperate. If your suggestions take any energy at all on my part I know myself and I will probably ignore them, but perhaps in the future I can push myself to start feeling normal again.
Also, I'm currently on 60 mg prozac once a day if that helps...
Thanks
I hope this is the correct place to write this. I am a 20 year old male from the US who has been suffering from depression since I was 14. I have tried everything I could think of to kick this feeling, including Electro Compulsive Therapy (ECT) about two months ago. I am the most confused I have ever been in my life and while I am finally starting to allow myself to actually question my past, I see very little progress. I have been institutionalized twice for a week each time, once for a suicide attempt and once voluntarily. I grew up in a nice town and always assumed that I'd have a promising future. I got good grades all through high school and had many ambitions (music, computers, surfing, skateboarding, snowboarding, etc...) I was depressed back then but not nearly as bad as I am now. I can't believe how much worse it has gotten over the years, especially the last two or three. I stopped working and going to school and now my days are spent laying around in bed. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and have no idea what it's like to be the happy person I once was. It doesn't help that the ECT has completely changed me and I have an extremely hard time trying to remember things and I honestly can't even describe it to myself or my family. I have sever anxiety that ruins my life. I used to have many friends and I was very active. I now have no desire to do anything productive or even fun. I feel as if I am a professional actor every time I go out with friends because all I do is fake smiles and pretend to be happy. I get nervous (anxious) around EVERYONE, including my friends and especially my family. I have no idea how this happened and part of it may be because I am blocking things out from my memory to stay sane. I can barely look my parents in the face because I know how much of a burden I am on them, and even if I'm not I feel as if I will be if this continues for much longer. I so badly do not want to be like this when I am expected to be an adult, which is beginning now. I have been on quite a few different medications and the only ones that have shown any value are Xanax and Klonipin, but I stopped taking them a while ago because they are addicting and I feel like a zombie walking around when I take them. Nothing really shocks me anymore. My friend killed himself about a month ago and it didn't feel the way it should feel when someone dies, especially in a horrible way. Anytime a tragedy occurs I just feel as if its just another test to see how much I can stand, until I finally break (which I have before). The only time I really feel any kind of emotion is when something is incredibly funny to me. I have an awesome family and great friends and all I want is to just be normal again. I used to literally think and wish I could be a rock star someday, now all I want is to be able to function in society. What seems impossible to me is so easy to everyone else I know. For example: graduating college, getting a job, getting married/having a relationship, being genuinely happy or sad when the time is right... Part of me wants to end all of this for good and be freed of the pain I feel every minute of every day, yet a small part of me wants to fix things if possible. Anyone with advice please help me I'm desperate. If your suggestions take any energy at all on my part I know myself and I will probably ignore them, but perhaps in the future I can push myself to start feeling normal again.
Also, I'm currently on 60 mg prozac once a day if that helps...
Thanks