It's been years of this torture...

Hello,

I hope this is the correct place to write this. I am a 20 year old male from the US who has been suffering from depression since I was 14. I have tried everything I could think of to kick this feeling, including Electro Compulsive Therapy (ECT) about two months ago. I am the most confused I have ever been in my life and while I am finally starting to allow myself to actually question my past, I see very little progress. I have been institutionalized twice for a week each time, once for a suicide attempt and once voluntarily. I grew up in a nice town and always assumed that I'd have a promising future. I got good grades all through high school and had many ambitions (music, computers, surfing, skateboarding, snowboarding, etc...) I was depressed back then but not nearly as bad as I am now. I can't believe how much worse it has gotten over the years, especially the last two or three. I stopped working and going to school and now my days are spent laying around in bed. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and have no idea what it's like to be the happy person I once was. It doesn't help that the ECT has completely changed me and I have an extremely hard time trying to remember things and I honestly can't even describe it to myself or my family. I have sever anxiety that ruins my life. I used to have many friends and I was very active. I now have no desire to do anything productive or even fun. I feel as if I am a professional actor every time I go out with friends because all I do is fake smiles and pretend to be happy. I get nervous (anxious) around EVERYONE, including my friends and especially my family. I have no idea how this happened and part of it may be because I am blocking things out from my memory to stay sane. I can barely look my parents in the face because I know how much of a burden I am on them, and even if I'm not I feel as if I will be if this continues for much longer. I so badly do not want to be like this when I am expected to be an adult, which is beginning now. I have been on quite a few different medications and the only ones that have shown any value are Xanax and Klonipin, but I stopped taking them a while ago because they are addicting and I feel like a zombie walking around when I take them. Nothing really shocks me anymore. My friend killed himself about a month ago and it didn't feel the way it should feel when someone dies, especially in a horrible way. Anytime a tragedy occurs I just feel as if its just another test to see how much I can stand, until I finally break (which I have before). The only time I really feel any kind of emotion is when something is incredibly funny to me. I have an awesome family and great friends and all I want is to just be normal again. I used to literally think and wish I could be a rock star someday, now all I want is to be able to function in society. What seems impossible to me is so easy to everyone else I know. For example: graduating college, getting a job, getting married/having a relationship, being genuinely happy or sad when the time is right... Part of me wants to end all of this for good and be freed of the pain I feel every minute of every day, yet a small part of me wants to fix things if possible. Anyone with advice please help me I'm desperate. If your suggestions take any energy at all on my part I know myself and I will probably ignore them, but perhaps in the future I can push myself to start feeling normal again.

Also, I'm currently on 60 mg prozac once a day if that helps...

Thanks

 

Can you talk to your parents? You know they love you very much. Maybe they are waiting for you to be ready to talk to them?

Or can you talk to a therapist? It may be easier to get healed the sooner you get help?

What kind of things do you feel you may be blocking out from your memory to stay sane?

You have “an awesome family and great friends”. You can get through this, hon. If you believe that you can be normal again, it can be very helpful to your healing…

Focus on the healing…don’t think or worry too much about the future…do what you need to do and what you can now…

Wish you well...