It's been years since I thought of this place..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jacob91, May 12, 2015.

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  1. Jacob91

    Jacob91 Member

    I have the record for the longest average posts on several forums. Often overlooked, maybe absence will give meaning to my thoughts.

    I have a grudge match tomorrow, against a person who unknowingly (and probably, against his intentions) saved my life through introducing me to people who showed me the way to make it through difficult times. I'm 23, and I've been homeless the majority of the time since high school. My mother claims to love me, but obviously loves her abusive new husband more, who since I defend her when he is violent with her, doesn't allow me to stay there.

    I lived on my own for two years, completely independent, had a good job. Took what I thought was *Mod Edit: Drugs* on the fourth of july three years ago. *Mod Edit: Drugs* I thought I'd never be the same for 7 weeks. Somehow through that hell, I never once considered taking my own life... despite it being the worst experience of my life. My job put me through an amnesty program - which in exchange for hospital monitoring, allowed me to keep my job (I was the best they had for my position).

    They fired me after sending me home when I had a 102 degree fever, missed two days with doctors notes. I called in an hour beforehand, but apparently they changed the rule while I was gone to make it a two hour minimum notice. No tolerance policy they said, had seven months left on my lease. *Mod Edit: Drugs/Methods*

    fast forward through 2 years of homelessness and we're back one year ago. Moved in with my dad who has a mood disorder, obsessive compulsive to the extreme. He sterilizes hospitals for a living and has done so for 33 years. If I make a sandwich, I better squeegee the fridge door handle. I've dealt with this with a smiling face for a while.

    Was dating a girl I really liked back then, she cheated on me for my brother. I drank three bottles of vodka and broke into his house and knocked him the fuck out while he was taking a shit. He saw how happy I was and he took it for himself. He's nothing but a selfish piece of shit. I never cared about myself. I care about others. This is what kept me afloat for so long - knowing how many people would be hurt if I were to

    After that fiasco, dated her friend for two years who herself was homeless at 16. She was much younger than me, but I wanted to help her not go through it.

    Gave her everything and she used it against me when I broke up with her for not allowing me the space to grow.

    Today I realized that nothingness would be better. Been wiser than religion from a young age, but as a curious explorer of philosophy and premier oneironaut (have more information on oneirology in my room alone than exists in publication elsewhere, in every language, worldwide), I feel confident that things will be okay for me when I get to the other side.

    I decided to make my grudge match about honor. I am confident I will win but I cannot know. If I lose I will bop myself into eternity. If I win I will live another day.

    I've been too nice, and have let myself be used. I was happy when I found a good paying job I liked that I could do from home. I have let myself be robbed blind. I have days to move out, and I have barely 12 dollars to my name. Thankfully, I have all I need for a painless death *Mod Edit: Methods*. I hate being my age without anything to show for the work I've done. I'm more qualified than most doctors to practice medicine, and have proven it time and time again. I am the polymath I have aspired to become. I know this, I am confident in this. I have room to grow, but everyone who claims to care has proven otherwise. I will never meet a woman on my level except in my dreams, and I don't care to at this point.

    A mask of the great mystery is shrouded in darkness.
    What the darkness shrouds we cannot know until we can see it.

    We cannot see it as we are, and yet we still give names to the mystery.
    There is no name for it, as names refer to something we can identify.

    When desperation loosens, our desire to grasp it by name slips.
    With this absence of desire, we become closer to the truth of the mystery.

    Our closest approach to truth is in interpretation of the mystery,
    An expression to us indistinguishable from the highest truth.

    The vastest darkness can only be partially illuminated by one light;
    The light of your essence which manifests perception and sensation as one.

    You are just one and it is just one.
    The truth and the mystery are reflections.

    Your mind is the mirror,
    and you are the light.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2015
  2. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Jacob91, Thank you for your post and I'm very sorry that you're going through an extremely difficult time. That's awful about what happened with your job and the stringency displayed by your managers was overdone to say the least. Also, it's disheartening that they would reform the policy in such an impromptu way.

    As for being used, that's not pleasant either but I would encourage you to try and find new ways to prevent this from happening. How do you go with assertiveness for instance? It doesn't have to be your way or the highway but being firmer can help if this is troubling you.

    Your poetry is excellent as well. I found it eloquent and emotively uplifting as well so thank you. You seem to have studied and worked hard to get to where you are in life. Have you tried applying for other jobs?

    You are a great guy who is in the midst of hardship. As you said though, you are the light and if you just keep believing in this and seeing this, you will always see it's your time to shine.

    I hope that everything gets better for you. You really deserve to have a happier life. Husky
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Setting boundaries will prevent people from using you You can fight the dismissal from your job go to labor board let them know what happened or your union but don't let them do that to you without a fight ok. You deserve happiness with someone that will love you and not cheat on you You can find another job another person to love you can just have faith in YOU ok
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