It's begining to sound pretty dismal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by left, May 10, 2010.

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  1. left

    left New Member

    I'm wondering after 25 years of being a mother why my kids don't call me. or half ass try to call me at 10 at night. I know I did this to my parents too, but in fact my mother was abusive and kept having alcholics that treated us like animals. I never did that to my kids in that sense, I shielded them as much as I could from my poor choices in men and the situations that we had. I didn't do that well, but I did pretty well. My son went through college and graduated, how bad could I have been. My daugher, well that's another story. She was always strong and independant and always wild. I loved them with all my heart and gave them everything I had, everything I could. But now on mothers day they dont even call me. WTF, it's so cruel. So cruel. And I went to my sisters and she was so mean to me that my mother got upset at her. I don't know what is going on in life and I'm so tired of living it. I'd like to go now. I've lost reason or rhyme to why stay. I know that after all, they will get together and have great memories of my funny kindness and stupid mistakes. Borne out of my naivity not out of me being cruel or mean or anything like it. My worst trait is that I'm extremely jealous and I'm outlandish. I can make some people cringe at what I might say, but in most situations I just hold it. I say nothing, i just hint at what could be said.

    I hate to be a bleeding hearts club but I fixate on suicidal thoughts way to often and as the years go by I feel less and less like it matters. I mean seriously does it matter if it is this year or in 10 years? Probably not. I am thinking that maybe for a year I could be wonderful and terrific and then do it because then they will all have wonderful wonderous memories of me and be comforted by it. Because the fact is that I am alone and no one knows about it. No one cares and no one understands just how alone I am. There is no reason to go on living on the sidelines, as an after thought of everyone's life that is around me. It's just stupid. and as a matter of fact the best idea I've come up with writing this all down just came to me, that is to get into an accident. What a great idea. That way no one can say I ever did any harm. Everyone's life comes to and end and who knows how they end. But the pain of living here and doing this stupid invisible pain thing is just not worth the one or two moments of goodness that ever happen in my life anymore. and yet I guess I know that I can fool myself into one more moment of happiness to fool myself into thinking that I had a great life, or I can get mad about something and make it a reason to try to overcome some damned thing to give me a reason to live, but in the all and all people, there is no reason to keep doing this.

    So I guess I am seeing out of this rant that I have a serious need for an anti depressant, once I took the anti aniety med yesterday and today and all the trying to overcome has faded, it's now down to no anxiety but just a lot of sadness, and I know the reason for that is that I'm alone and I could invent something to take care of that. So here I am talking my way out of this suicidal thought pattern, which is good.

    But still, I am realizing how I"m surrounded by people who are insensitive to that they are my life, and they don't think to care about me at all or to realize what a painful effect they have on me, and they just think I'm selfish or crazy for feeling suicidal about all this lonliness. I'm not sure how many other mothers could just shut up and not be hurt over this. Or how many sisters could take the abuse for 50 plus years from a sibling, or how many people would live so empty for so long with no one, and what would they do? What do normal people do when this happens? I have isolated to the point where almost no one expects me to show up anywhere and it could be days before anyone even missed me. It's hell feeling this unloved I tell ya.

    So I know that normal people don't get into this predicament, they have friends and husbands and kids that care. and sometimes I think it would be easier to continue to isolate myself and just fade out when no one is looking. So that like no one would know for months or forever even. Like my brother did.He just disappeared and quit talking to everyone. No one even knows where he lives so if he were dead they wouldn't even know about it.

    Okay, enough ranting, thanks for providing a great place to vent these suicide thoughts. If you have any useful ideas about what a fat, lonely, old woman should do in this situation = let me know. Thanks!
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hi left...I don't have advice but wanted you to know you aren't alone with these feelings...
    I'm so sorry your children treat you like hurts like hell...
    ..I am in the same predicament as you....
    yesterday (mothers day) only 1 of my 3 daughters bothered with me....
    I lost my son at christmas to suicide and still they don't bother to ring, text, anything on mothers day ..or any other day for that matter.....
    I am not a bad mother..just a normal human being who makes mistakes and certainly isn't perfect....
    I feel like I have nothing to live for either...but have found great comfort on this forum...
    I hope you can find some as well..
    pm any time...take care.....:arms:
  3. left

    left New Member

    IV, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. My sister lost her son as well and I can imagine how painful that is for you. I'm glad your one daughter did connect with you. What a love that is for you.

    In between posting that and now I am almost smoothed out.

    My son did call me guiltfully and I did not pick up the phone at 10:30 at night. I know he tries but he is slacking off in loving mama and it hurts. It's an empty nest thing pretty much. I really need to get a life.

    Thanks for writing back to me.
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    here if you need me...
    :hug: :flowers: :hiya:
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