Hi, Im a 18 years old male from Finland. I've been depressed since 13. I have very little interesting history just that ive been really down for my entire life. Last summer i got rid of my depression, then found the best girl in the world. We broke up and i got my depression back. It was all my fault really, i screwed a lot of things and we both ended up miserable. She means the world to me and her happiness comes first. I scared her away with my talk. Im so sad for hurting her, but i cant think clear anymore. Im so sorry for that she has no idea. Rational thinking is floating out of my head and all i do is unload my stress on others. Im so tired and hurt i cant describe it with words anymore. I think of death all day long. I got it all pretty much planned, with low chance of failure and little reason to continue anymore. It's all about the final push now. I want to die now, im so tired it's beyond words. With all 4 years of depression count together this is the worst. Im totally blacking out. I dont think im entirely capable of it. It's not for me really but for people i care about. Like she told me its a childish way to get rid of your problems. Death has become an addiction to me and i dont know how long i can resist anymore. I don't think im capable of it just yet, or maybe i don't know it really. But i feel like its just matter of time anymore. Im not going to keep going like this. I feel terrible for hurting her, terrible knowing she will probably hate me beyond grave. It kills me to talk to her and it kills me not to talk to her. It's the last knot. You probably wont see me going for a while, but i just had to post here. I cant guarantee anything. Im tired. Im mentally exhausted. So sorry about it all.