Its beyond words

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lamotti, Jan 11, 2007.

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  1. Lamotti

    Lamotti Member


    Im a 18 years old male from Finland. I've been depressed since 13. I have very little interesting history just that ive been really down for my entire life. Last summer i got rid of my depression, then found the best girl in the world. We broke up and i got my depression back. It was all my fault really, i screwed a lot of things and we both ended up miserable. She means the world to me and her happiness comes first. I scared her away with my talk. Im so sad for hurting her, but i cant think clear anymore. Im so sorry for that she has no idea. Rational thinking is floating out of my head and all i do is unload my stress on others. Im so tired and hurt i cant describe it with words anymore. I think of death all day long.

    I got it all pretty much planned, with low chance of failure and little reason to continue anymore. It's all about the final push now. I want to die now, im so tired it's beyond words. With all 4 years of depression count together this is the worst. Im totally blacking out. I dont think im entirely capable of it. It's not for me really but for people i care about. Like she told me its a childish way to get rid of your problems. Death has become an addiction to me and i dont know how long i can resist anymore.

    I don't think im capable of it just yet, or maybe i don't know it really. But i feel like its just matter of time anymore. Im not going to keep going like this. I feel terrible for hurting her, terrible knowing she will probably hate me beyond grave. It kills me to talk to her and it kills me not to talk to her. It's the last knot. You probably wont see me going for a while, but i just had to post here. I cant guarantee anything. Im tired. Im mentally exhausted.

    So sorry about it all.
  2. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    Hey hun,
    I was just in the chat room and you said about your post. So i though id take a look. Big hugs to you hun.

    We sometimes take our problems out on those closest to us, its not through our own fault, its because that is human emotion. Something i want to say is that death isnt a childish way out. I think she may have said that as a way of stopping you from doing it, the same way people can say its a selfish thing.

    I really dont have a clue what to say, but just wanted to write a reply to you to say that you arent alone and that there are people here that care and will support you. I dont want you to feel alone. If you ever need to chat, you can pm me.

    Take care hun

    Starlight xxx
  3. and I would be the girl he is talking about.
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well we all make mistakes friend. You are no exception, how about instead of ending it all you learn from the mistakes you made with this significant other, and try not to make them with the next.

    Look I know that she may seem like your one true love. But I feel that if you say that you are limiting yourself. In my book it is not right to reserve all your feelings for just one person. All you can hope for is that she might forgive you. But if she does not I am sure that you can meet another girl, or at least that is what people have told me. In my case it is "There is a girl out there for you" in your case it would be "There will be another out there for you" and the end of the sentence is "you just have to wait". You should find something else to distract your attention. For me I play video games and watch anime.

    Maybe instead of making another person happy you should work on making yourself happy.
  5. Lamotti

    Lamotti Member

    Thanks for trying to make me feel better. I assure you it's not needed. Me feeling like this has little to do with her. Im just an individual with very little will to live. I didn't born poor. My parents haven't divorced. I dont have any illness. I dont have any disability to limit me. Im just an oridinary guy who is not happy no matter what. Im extremely depressed. I don't have much friends, heck if any lately. Nothing feels anything either. I have been like this for a long time. I was suicidal first time at 14. This is nothing new to me, Im just older. A lot people know what is it. Being alone, looking life through depressed eyes. 1 week ago i was working hard to restore my happiness. I failed. I dont talk anymore. Im starting to draw attention, i dont want that. I have done everything i possibly can to restore my happiness. Im still trying but it's quite hopeless honestly said. I dont want to live like this. I drink more. Im also attempting to purchase drugs online. About the rest i dont want to talk about here. It's nobodys fault. I just cant help the way i feel about everything. Just wanted to make things clear.

  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well if at first you do not succeed try try again?

    Look friend we are all human and we all have feelings. Just because you are not poor or abuse or from a broken home does not mean you cannot be depressed. We do not pick were we are born into. I am just learning this money does not equal happiness. Feelings are what make us depressed. I know it only looks like darkness now. But a light shines brightest when it is in the darkest place. Or at least that is what I am told. Now I am not going to tell you that things will get better they may they may not, such is life.

    When I was not too much older than you I was planning on killing myself in a few months, 5/5 to be exact. But after much serious thought I decided to not do it, just yet. The road to self-bettermetn and happiness is a long steep treachorus dangerous road. It is easier to fall down the mountian but difficult to step back up. I think we all want instantanous results. And when we do not get them it depresses us. But just be patient ok, I once read a quote "He who knows patiences knows peace". But you cannot just wait, I have learned this over the years as well. Just waiting will get you no where. You have to try, not hard, but you have to try.

    I hope some of this advice reaches you.
  7. Lamotti

    Lamotti Member


    Today i received information about being banned. Considering the rules i doubt im going to get away with it. I wont fight the ban either for i know i am not wanted here, hence making it useless. Just wanted to inform about it. It's a nice place really. I cant remember anybody i didn't like. Also a few people made me feel a lot better about things around. Thanks for that. I guess ill just find something else to do now. Haven't been very popular around people lately, haha. Didn't mean to be the source of any troubles.

    Thanks for the candle bombeni, hope we get a chance to talk again. Im postponing it. Im afraid.

    Thanks people!
  8. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    You're not banned Lamotti. You're only under moderation, meaning you can not use chat or pm's and have to have your posts checked. Being under moderation isn't permanent either
  9. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    I haven't been here very long so please let me know, how long will it be before Lamotti can at least receive PM's? He and I had developed a friendship and I don't want to lose that. Can't a person at least be given a warning before their "priveleges" are removed?
  10. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    You could contact him through his e-mail, if he has that enabled in his profile?
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