its calling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by drow21, Sep 9, 2009.

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  1. drow21

    drow21 Active Member

    i can feel it welling up inside i swore i wouldn't kill myself to somebody i care for, but i can not think that death is such a part of me,i need it, that it will complete me , that if i die it will fill the empty void

    i hate myself, i feel hopeless and lost

    i want my knife, i want pain, it loves me it needs me, ill never be okay

    i want to die i have for years, i have allot of pain, but today just kicked me really hard ,

    i don't have anybody who understands my need
  2. accidental

    accidental Member

    can you talk to the person you promised you wouldnt kill yourself? they obviously care about you and they probably wouldnt get mad. or someone else, just think of the person you care for. can you go to therapy or to the hospital? have you tried any medication?

    i know its not much but you can pm me or add me on messenger if you want to talk too. completely anonymous
  3. drow21

    drow21 Active Member

    i care for her but talking with her about this kind of thing would only lead to argueing i think, ill try though
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm sorry you're going through so much. I'm around a lot, so drop me a PM if you feel like talking.
  5. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    you might be going through so much pain right now, that you are led to predict the future, that 'you will never be okey' but trust me its temporary.

    just look back at all the problems you've ever had in your life and you'll see i am right. i bet you when you look back at what you thought was your worst nightmare (at the time) you will laugh.

    Life is up and down, just like no winters stay forever, there is always, a summer. its always darkest before, just before dawn.

    stay with us.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello drow,

    Welcome to SF.
    I'm glad you made that promise to your friend.
    Does anyone apart from her know how you feel and what you are going through?
    It would help to have a wider range of support. You say that nobody understands your need, we do understand and will try our best to help you through this.
    Please seek professional help too, :hug:
  7. drow21

    drow21 Active Member

    i tried talking to mother this morning her reply was to get angry n yell at the dog, the dog who in her infanate wisdom, ignored it and went to sleep

    though my parents dont exactly belive in therapy of any kind, however i was well nealy put into some kind of hospital for anorexia, however both of my parents insisted on my tranquilzer medication, wich wasnt nice

    i tried talking to mum, but she just gets mad at me or tries to force me to get a job in eastern europe thinking it would help, or blaming herself getting upset and then taking it out on me, i really need sth positive or i know ill end up doing sth idiotic

    i want to say this and if i get flamed so be it my faith kept me alive for a long time when i prayed and pleaded to die(im not Christian, id say i do believe in all things), though now even thats starting to wane, i know i believe in god(s) weather they love me or not, and even if i scream i hate them or him , i stil believe but recently due to certain things happening some to do with my past trauma i realy want a reason to hang on my faith isnt enough
    really usually im the one who gets asked for advice pity when i need somebody i cant find someone

    anyway thanks for reading guys and gals

    i really really want it to end and ill try to honour my promise
    i hope ppl have a nice day/ evening/ night/ afternoon
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