It's changed. For better or for worse?

[Feared.Desire]

I’m curios about something, so if anyone can relate, please tell me.
I used to be a lot more ‘depressed’ than I am now. Tried to kill myself, the hole deal, but that’s not the point of my post today.
I’m going to say I’m not nearly as depressed now because of it being summer, and have found someone who I am very fond of, my girlfriend, who helps me keep going. As well, I have stopped using drugs on such a regular basis, and have not touched any in say a month… which is ridiculous for me.
Regardless of how well things seem to be going at the moment, there is one thing that has developed from my depression and has continued to linger - my total and complete lack of emotion.
At the start, I just started being an outright asshole to people, and they seemed not to mind it. In fact, for some odd reason they found it funny… So obviously I kept doing it.
But as I gradually went in and out of crazy depressive states to not so bad ones, I would become a total dick, not feeling the need to hold back on anything I had to say…
However now that I wouldn’t even say I’m currently depressed anymore (it comes and goes like this a lot), I’m just emotionless. I had always wished for no emotions when I was depressed, but now, I don’t feel sad, but at the same time, I hardly ever feel happy, or excited or anything … Ever!
My girlfriend gets frustrated with me sometimes, because I just can’t show with emotions how much I love her, and she wants me to show it more … And I would really love to … But I just can’t.
At least when I was depressed I could speculate as to what it was I was supposed to be feeling and fake it. But now, I just can’t feel hardly anything.

Has anything like this happened to anyone else? It’s starting to make me nervous. I suppose it gives me a more rational look on things not letting my emotions get in the way, but it’s getting to the point where I think totally different from the average person, but even in a different way than from when I was depressed. It’s starting to make me feel excluded again.
I don’t feel like other people, and I don’t think like them anymore…

Has this ever happened to anyone else? I don’t know what’s going on …

 

[gentlelady]

I would say that even though you are not feeling as depressed as before you are probably still suffering from the symptoms. You spent so long trying not to feel and now you aren't. Open yourself up and allow yourself to feel. Take care. :hug:

 

[Stranger1]

You need to refocus your thoughts. You have defeated depression to a point but you are still holding on. By the way congradulations on kicking butt. It almost sounds to me that you are still suffering from mood swings. Are you still seeing your docor? You might want to try and get an appointment and let him know about the lingering thoughts. And tell your girlfriend that you love her!! She's not going to keep being ignored. Buy her some flowers and take her out to dinner. I guess what I am trying to say is she's on your side so let her in!!

 

[Feared.Desire]

No ... I'm not seeing a doctor. I saw three, but none of them lasted very long. I've kind of just been trecking it along with my best friend (who lives in another city) and her ...
But this being the fifth year of my 'depression' I have a serious doubt it's gone for good, but i'll hope for the best.

And as for the girlfriend, I do take her out ... As much as I can. I typically see her everyday. And saying I love her only goes so far ... She wants me to show it somehow ... I'm going to assume this would come naturally for most people to 'show' how much they love someone just by the way they act ... But those are emotions ... And I'm have serious troubles with those.

I'm trying to force myself to think the way I should hoping it will put my back on the right track, but it doesn't help me feel that way anymore. It's really hard to explain ... :sad:

But thanks for the input everyone :smile:

 

[Stranger1]

I don't know and I don't want to know is how your financialy set. My thought behind this is to try and give you ideas to show her how you feel. Why not reserve a room at a bed and breakfast and just the two of you get away and spend the weekend away from everyone else. A nice place in the woods with hiking trails or a place on the beach where you can have a little fire and a bottle of wine. Am I giving you any ideas? If not let me think of some more. Take Care...:chopper: