The year before last on Christmas day, in the afternoon, once my mother had drunk herself into a stupour, I went to the town square where the Christmas tree and lights are all lit up and glowing and sat underneath it by myself and an old lady came and sat with me. She didn't have any family and it was her first Christmas without her husband so she was all alone. We ended up going to a pub and had a Christmas drink together. It meant a lot to both of us I think, that we found eachother when we probably most needed it. I went back to the Christmas tree last year and she wasn't there. It made me kind of sad. I wonder if she'll be there this year?
Christmas is a beautiful thing for me. Everything about it seems amazing. Just like flatliner said about meeting that woman when they needed it the most, and about Christmas on the front lines in WW1 and 2 when they used to sing rather than shoot. In the face of all the worlds misery and degradation it salvages some pure essence that makes people happy in the most dire of situations. I feel very sorry for the people who dont get to see this miracle.
I hope shes there this Christmas too and merry Christmas to all of you!
I block out all thoughts of the holidays....the memories are too tough.I hope that I can find the strength to kill myself or something goes wrong during my pathetic attempts.
It should be a happy time of year.....yet Im left in a sea of self pity, self loathing, regrets, what-ifs and horrible, horrible feelings of sadness.I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy.Give me physical pain any day.
The holidays are hard if you're sick, and Christmas is no exception. But I like the giving spirit, that people sometimes fall into some sort of euphoric sense of charity that only comes with the lights and snow and gift-wrap. It's a good thing, even if it only lasts for a little while.
But I'm reminded of the beauty of the Christmas story, where a poor young girl and a tormented, fearful man were forced into a stable to give birth to the future messiah because there was no other room. And it was okay in the end. The moral is that sometimes all you need is love, even in the most significant circumstances. They all loved each other, and we're reminded that the baby was a miracle like every other child. That's what Christmas is really about I think.
Christmas and what it should mean have been so twisted, its hard to find joy in a season that has been so transformed, when it should be about frends, faimly loved ones, it has turned into nothing but one gaint spending spree for most of the people. Its sicking to here people being trampled trying to get the last Tickle me elmo, hell theirs even a new symptom out their called holidy rage, they have no meaning anymore execpt to watch the greed and stupidyof people.
This time of year is such bullshit. All the false smiles and caring that people hand around. What a load of shit.
I screwed up killing myself and will not do so now until January. The pills I took I didn't take enough and I just went off to sleep:laugh: It was wonderful, cannot remember feeling a thing, something I have been searching for for years:biggrin:
Roll on January, the middle, have mega stocks of these tablets, plan on going to a lovely secluded beach, with a big bottle of booze, ( I normally don't drink so this is a good one for me too) and I am going to take all my stash, and die in peace where by the time I am found it will all be over.
I feel so good about the prospect just cannot wait to do it now, to find peace and release.
I am so tired of living, it hurts too much and death to me is something I dream of every night. I have even been smiling as I have monitored my blood pressure at home and sometimes it gets up to 180/110 and I feel really good then hoping maybe it will bring on a heart attack too and I will just go and hide through the pain and hope like hell it will kill me.
Funny some people live to enjoy life, I am living to die at present.
I love christmas =) I get to see all of my family - Oh no, Timo wont be here this christmas =( - and for me, none of its fake, its true happiness, true caring, true family, true friends.. Though i seem to get a bit upset about something at christmas.. Last year was the first year that my parents didnt wait for me when they got the christmas tree and put it up and some of the decorations on.. i know its stupid.. but it means a lot to me, as a family. so i came home and looked at it and started crying.. mum asked why and said "I didnt think it meant so much to you, but we saved some of the decorations!" i just cryed even more.. lol.. then early this year, my aunt and uncle wnated to have christmas day at their place, but the tradition is to have it at ours.. its just eaiser for everyone, espcially my brothers and sisters, as they dont see to much of the family.. and our house is always relaxed and nothing formal.. so i started crying again and told mum that i wouldnt go if they did have it there.. Lol.. im so gay =P anyway, i love christmas. Its a time for family and apriciating the thing we have in life.
I haven't felt the "holiday spirit" for several years; too busy, too depressed, too broke... there was always some reason to hate it. This year feels different, even tho I'm just as broke and busy. I even bought a pretty little artificial tree with lights and once I put on all the kids' handmade ornaments, it looked very nice. It lifted my spirits.
I just decided this year to enjoy the season for its true meaning: the birth of Christ into a lost and violent world, come to save us from ourselves and to offer a better way of life.
I pay absolutely no attention to advertisers and corporate crap. I'm immune to their bs anyway. I enjoy the season because I want to, and it makes me feel kinder and gentler towards all living beings.
Just my opinion, but I'm glad I've been able to find the Christmas spirit within myself this year. Maybe I'll keep the tree up til next spring (like I did many years ago, to the kids' disgust:rolleyes: ) just to keep a reminder for myself that life is about giving unto others and being kind to others.
I even got ambitious enough to clean out all my stray cat shelters and refill with fresh straw and catnip to entice them in out of the cold. Even made a new one out of a big cardboard box so I now have winter housing for 8 of my stray kitties, unless they share the shelters, then can shelter more. ONe of my favorite strays - called Battered Cat - must also have the Spirit: he let me pet him and hold him recently!! I was elated!!!:smile:
Now I'm rambling - sorry. I just feel more joyful than I have in a long time and want to share it. PEACE ON EARTH (at least in our own little corner of it) AND GOOD WILL TOWARD MEN...AND ALL OTHER LIVING THINGS!!:smile: :smile:
love to all my friends here, hugs and hope to light the darkness,