It's Christmas

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Modo, Dec 25, 2015.

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  1. Modo

    Modo Member

    I have been planning this holiday for months so that I don't screw it up. I carefully thought out everything I would do and say. It worked for maybe 3 hours. And then it all fell to pieces. I screwed up everything. And all I want at this moment is to cut. But I'm in a house full of family and I made the stupidest decision to wear short sleeves. I can't believe I screwed up Christmas for everyone. I just want to go back to my house and cut and go to sleep.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry for what happened. Did they say anything when they saw the scars? Please don't cut again, use distractions. We care about you here. I'm sorry you feel you have ruined your christmas. There is always tomorrow to make things right.
  3. Modo

    Modo Member

    My family has always believed that I am accident prone. Every scar is either from a time "I fell" or "I dropped something" or what have you.
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  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Oh I see, would you ever consider telling them what the real issue is or is that a no go area? You should NOT have to suffer in silence. You wouldn't apologise for having a cardiac arrest so no apologies for mental illness either. I hope this site brings you some comfort the people here are the most amazing I have ever met!
  5. Modo

    Modo Member

    That's not an option here. When my brother had his suicide attempt he let everyone know about his depression and alcoholism and they shunned him. He was called horrible names and I haven't seen him in over a year. I learned from that experience that you don't tell this family anything. It's easier to blame my scars on accidents and my mood swings on PMS. Thu buy it and that's all that matters.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    That's really sad, it's not shameful to be mentally ill. Shocking that they shunned him. If you're happy to keep up with being ''prone to accidents'' then do so but please get some professional help in the meantime. You deserve that at least. Are you seeing a professional?
  7. Modo

    Modo Member

    I'm in between. I've asked my pastor to help me find a faith-based solution as the psychologist I was previously seeing wasnt working out. In the meantime my primary doctor is supplying me with medication. I do have to keep all medications and appointments a secret as well which can be stressful.

  8. Well, your family sounds like they're pieces of shit. If someone tells me they're depressed, and they're suffering from alcoholism; the last thing I am ever going to do is shun them, and call them horrible names.

    How did your parents react? Did they even make an attempt to defend their own child? Were they engaging in the abuse as well? If I had a son, and he was courageous enough to tell everyone what he was going through, and instead of receiving the help he sought, he was instead denigrated and belittled by other family members? I wouldn't tolerate it. You don't speak to my son like that. I wouldn't have my family anywhere around anyone who is abusive to begin with. Even if it is other family members. They are not any family members of mine.

    If I may ask, what is it that you "screwed up" that made you want to cut yourself? I put screwed up in quotation marks, because I doubt that. I am not attacking you, I am on your side. It's just that a lot of people tend to believe things that aren't true.

    Do you want to be around your family? This is not about what they want - this is about what you want. Do you want to be around them? I am going to assume that you do not want to be around them, since you are erasing your true feelings. You're masquerading them with something false. You're blaming your scars on accidents, and mood swings on PMS.

    How do you feel when you're around your family? Likely tense. Very unpleasant. Stressful. Why are you around these people? Because you think it would hurt their feelings if you didn't associate with them? Well, they certainly don't give a damn about how you feel. Do you think you have some sort of obligation to be around these people? No, you don't.

    If you want to cut yourself because of these people; then get the hell away from them. You don't need to be around these people. Don't associate with them anymore, just leave them. I don't care if they think you're ungrateful or not.

    I highly recommend reading this book: Real Time Relationships by Stefan Molyneux

    This book is fantastic. It's useful for anyone. Whether you are a guerrilla, aspiring to establish a Fascistic Oligarchy (Benito Mussolini and Augusto Pinochet > Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong, correct?). Or you just want to live a normal life. A genuinely normal and healthy life. Not this Jewish Hollywood bullshit. Then this book is for you. So read it. Here's an excerpt that I believe is the most relevant to you at this moment:

    When I stopped frantically hunting for my passport, took a breath, and reminded myself of the reality of my situation, something very interesting occurred for me emotionally. I actually wondered if I would end up going to France. In other words, instead of being desperate to get to France, I became curious about whether or not I would end up going to France.
    The opposite of control is – curiosity.
    When we give up false control, we open ourselves up to true curiosity. This is the transition from religion (false control) to science (true curiosity). When I honestly say: “I would really like it if my friend liked my girlfriend, but I have no control over that outcome whatsoever,” the wonderful thing that happens is that I can now become curious about the outcome of the meeting. Instead of saying: “I must control what will happen!” I can say: “I wonder what will happen?”
    This is a very different state of mind.
    This is rational empiricism at its finest. Instead of saying: “Sacrificing this goat will control the rains!” we can say: “I wonder why it rains?” Abandoning our illusions of control opens us up to the magnificent wonder of curiosity.
    In my mind, when I say to my friend: “You must like my new girlfriend,” I am treating him as an object to be manipulated for the sake of my desires, rather than an independent conscious being. When I say: “I will control my friend,” the greatest lie is not that I think I can control him, but that I think I am treating him as a friend.

    "I have been planning this holiday for months so that I don't screw it up. I carefully thought out everything I would do and say. It worked for maybe 3 hours. And then it all fell to pieces. I screwed up everything."
    Instead of thinking "This Christmas has to go well!" you thought "I wonder if this Christmas will go well." do you think you would have a desire to cut yourself? Probably not.

    Hope this post helps you.
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