it's close to time to go (trig)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TLA, Aug 4, 2006.

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  1. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Y'all are a bunch of tremondous people. I hoped I could be strong again, but not in this life. I don't care anymore, about anything at all.
    I was doing better while my hormones were high. now, I am worse again.
    I really am going to give in to it this time. I have no life and may not have internet in the near future. without e-friends I certainly cannot cope.
    I just don't want to live like this anymore. As soon as I can, I'll be on the news for a blimp.

    TLA
     
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    But you are a strong person. If you're fighting depression, fighting the suicidal urges then you must be a strong person and you can keep fighting. That sucks about the internet, I sure know what you mean about internet friends and I'm sure I'd feel down at the thought of not having an internet connection either but mayve there's a way around it. Prehaps you could go to the library, or access of a mobile phone, if you have one? Take care of yourself. :hug:
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I know things may seem impossible to you right now. you have made it so far, don't give up now. Keep fighting hun. You can do it. :hug:
     
  4. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear TLA;

    remember, the life you've led (so far) doesn't have to be the only life you have. You can adopt a different life or life style. Change a few things. I know, easier said than done, but still do-able. Try it. Make a difference to yourself. You're a human being, you have a right to be here. So. Be. Here.

    You have the power within you to change and improve - it just doesn't feel that way right now.

    love, least
     
  5. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    ditto to the above.. you do have the ability to heal... and move forward... it may not seem like it now .. but i will eventually ease up.. u have ppl who love and need you... there are people on your life that will look at what u do and learn .... what lesson do you want to teach them..

    i believe there are still a few things you love and care about...

    lean on us till things improve... that is why we are here...
     
  6. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    to you above,all, least, gentle, res...thank YOU!
    {tears} I have things I love and all, but no one that needs me.
    I don't want to feel this saddness anymore. I feel my life is over.
    My son is only 3, he will recover. I am evil, dangerous and violent that is why everyone stays away from me and I don't even blame them anymore.

    It is hard for me to think anything will change. It is up to me, and I don't have the sense on how to do anything anymore.
    I will make sure I get it right this time. I am going to get the things at the store soon to start a suicide plan. I am trying to pray thru this, but I am
    just tired of fighting it. No one needs me here, they will do fine without me. NO ONE TALKS TO ME ANYWAYS!!!!!!!!
    I am tired of crying;
    I am tired of being alone, No one can help me feel worthy but yourself, and I can't do it.
    I am tired of thinking I will have a life, when that is a fucking lie.
    I am sad and tired of missing my son and ex-husband. I can sense no one needs me around.
    I may not have internet in the future cuz I was on my aunt's account. She is stopping it. so, I cannot pay my own.
    So, I'm going to take care of myself so I will not bother anyone, ANYMORE!!!
     
  7. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I wrote my final letter:

    I know I am shit to all my family. They remind me of this by staying away from me. I know that ppl were/are/will be scared of me. I am sorry. That is not really who I am. Everyone will get over me being gone. I was not noticed while I was here. I certainly won’t be missed. I was a nuisance. I will get rid of and eliminate the drama that I create in your lives.
    There are those that will say I am selfish to do this. Fuck you. This is not selfish this is brokenness and pain, sadness, loneliness. Mostly it is guilt and lies. Call me stupid, crazy, violent, sick, a bitch, call me anything you want.
    Everyone dies. I will too. I am the one with the problem, not you.

    my son was taken away from me. I was not hurtful to him all the time. I made one mistake and I am FUCKED!!!!!! I carried him and loved him and sang to him in my womb.
    Drug parents are treated better than this!!!!! To: Ms. C-GO TO HELL; I don’t remember her name, but the bitch that was the investigator for my case that never asked for my side of the events but one time- YOU know who you are-To you: I HOPE A CRUEL, VILE EVENT TEARS YOU APART FROM YOUR HEART; Judge R-YOU ARE A REAL ASS, YOU never asked for my medical information, never gave me a chance to show you. I have been totally in grief for 19 months. I will not do it longer. Thanks to you professionals for destroying the small hope I had of living.

    E, your momma loves you so so so so so very much, but I am too sad in this life to want to fight. I did want to teach the letters to you. I wanted you to learn about the planets and the stars and geology, rocks. I loved your daddy so much and he doesn’t think I am able to be a momma to you. Your daddy does not want me in his life anymore and that makes momma very very sad. So, momma will go away. But, it’s ok for you to stay with daddy and be close to him. He is your family.
    If I could I would have proved to your daddy how different I feel, how many things I have learned and grown about taking care of myself again. I just wanted one chance.
    You will grow up stronger and better with me being out of your life to hurt you. I love you so much and I never want harm to come to you. Please TELL HIM somehow that his momma did want to be with him and I did love him every single day. I cried cuz I was far from him. I knew you were you were with family that loved you. I prayed to God for his anointing to be on you everyday, to keep you from harm. I wanted to see you grow up.
    I wanted to be there on the swing with your daddy when you showed us your report card or your new baseball glove. I know you will be strong and can tell your daddy what you wonder about and what you have questions about. When you miss me, look up to the sky and tell me, I will be there to hear you. I will always be close to you.
    I love you little man. I am sorry to leave you. I think it is best.
    Let Jesus know when you hurt. And if you do not understand something or are afraid, ask for help by people you trust. Stay away from unknown people.

    I feel deserted by my loved ones.
    I feel I was abandoned by an asshole husband; He VOWED/promised to me to stick by me when I was ill. Now, I am ill and no one gives a damn. Guess what? I don’t either.
    I know the people that show me that they care are S, my brother, S, my sister, R her husband, and B, my dear grandmother. K, L, V and J will always be my best of true friends. K mom, S, P and R, C thank you for caring.
    Thank you for loving me….Some people just don’t want the gift of life that they have. I don’t want to live. Please know it’s me that is wrong, not you.

    I knew that when my father died, things would never be the same again. My stepmother never talks to me. I am an embarrassment and fucking failure. I know. I am tired of always being hurt and wrong. no one will have to deal with me any longer. I don’t have a family anymore. I made him leave me, as my aunt ellen so lovingly reminded me! I am crying as I write this. It is sad to me to die with a broken heart. I loved S with all my heart. I stood behind him, I knew he did not always tell me the truth about money or needs or things he bought or his job and skills. But, I stood by him and thought we could always improve and do better.
    No one wants anything to do with me. I am a mistake and an idiot. I will not take up space on the earth, nor will I take money from the gov’t when other people need it more.
    I had everything in the world in my lap. It is all my fault, as S loved to tell me. I did something very bad to my son my husband told the court I was violent all the time. I was never on the right medication. I did not know how to deal with things. He never gave me time to show him that I really would be ok.
    I have written many suicide notes over the years. I hope this will be the last one I ever have to write.
    I am not going to live long enough for the guilt to build, build, build…I don’t care if I go to hell…this is hell on earth now. I HATE T. MYSELF. I AM NOTHING.
    Life will go on…please don’t be too sad. I wanted to die. I have felt this alienation all my life. I accept responsibility for my actions. I will take care of this once and for all.
    I am sorry to those that do not understand my thinking or my pain. Go on & have the best life you can and most importantly accept people, be there for them, even if you do not always understand the situation.


    I will get the things and do it this week. bye.
     
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