It's coming back =[

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by rockjock, Jan 16, 2011.

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  1. rockjock

    rockjock Member

    Last Summer I overdosed on a prescription drug because I suffered from depression, was going through school changes, cheating on my boyfriend with a married man 30 years older than me who i had feelings for, and felt my out of the country boyfriend was planning on leaving me. He did, even after I told him I attempted suicide.
    It's been 8 months and I've felt better than I have in a looooong time, I'm talking years. I've learned right from wrong and self worth, however, even though my perception has changed drastically, I feel depressed when I think about surviving. I wonder what would happen if my life had ended that night. Usually I just reflect and take pride in the things I've overcome, but today I just felt sad about it. I thought I was over it but I guess I'm not.
    Does anyone else share this feeling?
  2. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    i've been thinking hmmm... if only I had died at this age, I wouldn't have had to live with everything that came after. It's a strange feeling. Great things have happened since but I can't for the life of me remember them. In one of my ACT books they talk about this when you feel unhappy you only remember unhappy things, when you feel great, you remember good things. called memory schemas. So it's a symptom of depression, rather a clear cut reflection of reality. I bet you have achieved a great number of things, and grown some, however there will unfortuantely always thorns with roses, etc!

    Do you mind me asking how old you are? I'm not undermining how you feel, I just get the sense you're going through many changes and it's so damn stressfull!
  3. lilmegt1

    lilmegt1 Member

    I do. I tried killing myself, twice. and failed. (obviously)
    I wonder everyday what life would be like without me.
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Unfortunatly it is one of those things that can keep on coming back. It can come back without anything that particulary triggers it. Just remember though, you have got through it in the past, you can do it again!

  5. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I always think of what life would be like without me in it, then I think of the boys I decided to have and the H that I made an committment to and it brings me back to reality that I could possibly cause them to feel exactly like I do and I dont wish that on anyone.
  6. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Those memories of what you did and those thoughts trying to create an imaginary "what if I had died", can either be used by yourself in these two ways:
    1. to make you feel that you want to try it again, ashamed, guilty, not deserving to be alive, blaming other successes after that on the fact that you didn't die, wondering why do I need to stay here with the suffering because of abuse, not being loved, tired, homeless, etc, etc, etc.

    2. Or you can use that huge energy concentrated in a very positive way, don't try to forget it, when you are down, bring back those memories to give you more strength and appreciate more the new opportunity, offer that pain energy to God to use it to heal others, remember the abuse not to sadden yourself but to get the strength to stop that abuse and report it to authorities (please listen to the song "I love the way you lie").

    It is not easy, but to everything you can find a negative or a positive side.

    You can't forget, you can't change it, it happened, but it is the past, start today a new future the way you want your life to be.
  7. Nima

    Nima Well-Known Member

    I don't think you should have cheated on your BF with a married man 30 years older than you. Don't feel depressed about this let us be there for you
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