That show me just how alone I am and I hate the feeling. My little one swallowed a coin first thing this morning. Although he was breathing not too bad, I knew it was lodge and just waiting for it to pass was not going to be an option. I'm alone. No one there to help me calm him. He was wild with fear crying over and over "I'm going to die for real life mommy!!" I tried the best I could to calm him. He is a very smart boy for his age. Just saying no you arent, Mommy is here would not do the trick. I had to explain that he was breathing on his own, that he could cough and that he could feel that it hurt. He would calm down but then a few moments later, the fear would strike again. It was almost an hour after he swallowed the coin before I could even call the hospital to see what was the next best move. What if it had been more urgent? I tried my best but yet it was so long before I could call for help. Off to the city and the children's hospital as they would be the only ones with a small scope to find out where the coin was. It would be almost an hour long drive with the poor little guy in the back seat alone and me in the front driving and trying to comfort him with words he wasnt hearing anymore. Like usual, I kept it together. Did what had to be done. Got through it and he's fine now. But after my adrenaline is done, the quiet time kicks in, the what if's and should of's creep in, my own fears start to come out..... no one. It makes me feel like even more of a failure than I am already feeling after all the things I couldnt or didnt do right in the situation. No one to hold me and say "it's ok, you did it and now it's over." And just me now a wreck to keep trying to amuse and entertain my precious little guy. Just me the I need to cut soooo bad right now, whoa now the suicidal thoughts are creeping in, I wish I could just hide away Mom. Now it's time for me to get out to meet my 16 year old daughter and try and help her with what happened to her this summer. I know it will have to be dealt with by me. No one else. I find myself triggering over what happened to her and struggle with how I'm going to be able to help my daughter when I'm barely able to help myself let alone be a proper mom to her. I am so fucking alone!!!!!!!