It's Days Like Today

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by itmahanh, Nov 17, 2009.

  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That show me just how alone I am and I hate the feeling. My little one swallowed a coin first thing this morning. Although he was breathing not too bad, I knew it was lodge and just waiting for it to pass was not going to be an option. I'm alone. No one there to help me calm him. He was wild with fear crying over and over "I'm going to die for real life mommy!!" I tried the best I could to calm him. He is a very smart boy for his age. Just saying no you arent, Mommy is here would not do the trick. I had to explain that he was breathing on his own, that he could cough and that he could feel that it hurt. He would calm down but then a few moments later, the fear would strike again. It was almost an hour after he swallowed the coin before I could even call the hospital to see what was the next best move. What if it had been more urgent? I tried my best but yet it was so long before I could call for help. Off to the city and the children's hospital as they would be the only ones with a small scope to find out where the coin was. It would be almost an hour long drive with the poor little guy in the back seat alone and me in the front driving and trying to comfort him with words he wasnt hearing anymore.

    Like usual, I kept it together. Did what had to be done. Got through it and he's fine now. But after my adrenaline is done, the quiet time kicks in, the what if's and should of's creep in, my own fears start to come out..... no one. It makes me feel like even more of a failure than I am already feeling after all the things I couldnt or didnt do right in the situation. No one to hold me and say "it's ok, you did it and now it's over." And just me now a wreck to keep trying to amuse and entertain my precious little guy. Just me the I need to cut soooo bad right now, whoa now the suicidal thoughts are creeping in, I wish I could just hide away Mom.

    Now it's time for me to get out to meet my 16 year old daughter and try and help her with what happened to her this summer. I know it will have to be dealt with by me. No one else. I find myself triggering over what happened to her and struggle with how I'm going to be able to help my daughter when I'm barely able to help myself let alone be a proper mom to her. I am so fucking alone!!!!!!!
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Wow, that was a stressful event. I remember those kind of events with my kids. You did great in handling it and I can imagine that you are wiped out tonight.

    On days like this, I would serve ice cream for dinner and lots of it.

  3. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    oh sweety you hadle it very good...not many people can do what you did...some people become counfuse and dont know what to did the best any person can do like this situation...
    and the most important is everything okay should put this in mind and relax...
    in the end of the day you did good job darling:arms:
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not alone! :hug: having raised three boys on my own I know just what this is like. Never forget when Leonard nearly burnt the three of them alive when he thought lighting a camp fire under some plastic would be a good idea :O
    Now the boys are grown I'm still stuck with Mole and his agoraphobia and aged parents with, well everything!!!!!
    Sometimes it feels like one more straw and my back will crack.
    When u can, get in a hot bath, have a glass of wine and chill out for as long as possible and remember been there done that and worn the t-shirt :hug:
  5. Stormhand

    Stormhand Well-Known Member

    hey hun yeah i can say that had to be a very stressing thing to do by yourself.
    But everythign is fine now..breath a little.
    hell after that do you know what you should do?
    treat yourself in some way,
    you did a damn fine job in dealing with that, holding it all together and gettign through that just so your son would be ok while going through all this.


    Let me tell you about something, the scariest thing that has ever happened in my life was during a life threatening situation I had once.

    I was going tubing down a river in Colorado once, well i got split of from my friends for a while, Beca was trying to keep an eye on me.
    But abit down the river when the current started picking up, I came to a 2 foot waterfall, well i lost my tube, it had flipped out of from under me.

    I got caught in teh current, amazingly I did not lose my cool, the only thign I knew to do was use the force of the current to push me into a big rock embedded in the floor of the river, well I crossed my ams in front of me so my chest would not feel the full force of the impact, I was rushing in with teh current, then BAM, I hit the rock and pulled myself around it to the shoreline. funny enough some how my leg and knee took most of the force from the impact, I have a swelling on my leg to this day from it.
    now that was scary as hell.
    After that I realized I did not want to die, I keep reminding myself of that one event every time I think of killing myself now.

    but like me, you handled your son swallowing that penny the best you could, just as much as I handled goign through an event like that, and you lived through it.

    So here's more :hug: for you

    Sometimes you may maze yourself in seeing how much strength you actually have.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It isn't easy when you are raising your kids alone and dealing with the extra pressures of all that it entails. But as was once again proven, Mom cannot be replaced. Your son needed you as does your daughter. As parents we do what needs to be done for our kids. It can bring very difficult times, but the joys are there as well. we tend to overlook those when in a depressive state. I am sorry you are feeling so alone hun.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That's just it. I did what I had to do. I always do. Alone. I know I can, like a robot, perform the duties that a Mom must. But that's just it. Everything I do lately is like a robot. Push my on button and I do it. No real feeling or anything. I just do it.

    Breathing is becoming that meaningless. Just do it. No more reasons to have to do anything. And at the end of each day I did it alone, deal with it alone and wake up to it alone again. I cant anymore.

    The only feeling I get lately is one of total dread at everything I need to do. And God help me as a Mom I hate even thinking it let alone saying it but, even caring for my children. I just do it. No feeling of reward or satisfaction or dare say even love. Just push that damn button and I perform!!! It's all so empty. All so nothing!! So it proves I'm nothing. I dont know how to explain it. But it doesnt give me reasons to want to hold on any longer.

    God I sound like a horrible Mom. No, I am a horrible Mom. Everyone always says you love your children and do all you can for them without ever thinking of yourself first. Well I'm breaking that rule and it it is a "heart" hurt everytime I perform!!!!

    How do you keep going when even your children that always meant the world to you become nothing more than another task or burden you know you have to perform or care for??? I'm horrible!!!! I feel completely horrible for finally spitting the words out. I'm not a good Mom because I dont have those instinctive feelings for my kids. Somewhere like everything else, they got washed away and the shit has moved in to fill that void.

    All I can think about is self harming and suicide. And I cant be bothered to think about what or how it will hurt others. All I can think about is me. How totally frickin selfish!!!!!!!! But I cant shut it off. That is a horrible thing for a Mom to be. But that is me. There the truth is out. Like the song says "I'm a loser baby, so why dont you kill me?"
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    There are certainties here. I've lost the desire to be a Mom. I've lost hope. I'm alone. I'll die with all three.
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I could not have coped i would have called for help. ambulance or something. You did great. Give yourself credit last time my son did that he got something wedge in his mouth and i couldn't get it out christ i panicked went persurk. My god you did great. You will always be a great mom and the instinct is there you are just in that part of depression that won't let you feel anything. Been there too just shut down and do things on remote. I hope you can get out of that spot soon try okay because you don't want to go any deeper that that stage You are and will always be a kind caring mom 10 stars beside your name for coming through when you child needed you.
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You did wonderfully handling the crisis, sweetie! Despite your protests that you have lost the desire to be a mom and have lost hope, your "Mom-ness" and hope continue to shine through.

    I see the situation from a slightly different perspective, and I think it's a damned good thing you were right there when it happened. There are no should haves and what ifs. You did all the right things. The hard part now is dealing with the situation and feelings after the crisis: the fatigue, the "OMG, I didn't need that, I don't want to have to deal with things like that!" and "I had to do it alone - AGAIN!"

    So what if you "don't feel like" having to deal with all that stuff. I'm sure every parent has felt that way even in a crisis involving their own child. Everyone is allowed to be tired and have their own needs - even mothers. And the truth is, you DID the right things - actions vs transient thoughts and "feelings." And no one likes to be the one who is left with all the responsibility all the time. But you rose to the occasion and you got your son and you through it just fine!

    Honestly, show me a mother and I'll show you someone who has wondered at least once during some crisis event, "Why on earth did I ever think I wanted kids?"

    You did better than merely dealing with things, you triumphed. That's the part you could focus on - both he and you made it through in one piece.

  11. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    He has but all it has done for me is highlight all the things I dont want to cope with any longer. Know what? I think I have been feeling this way about the Mom role for a while now. Today I had the courage to say it. But in doing so, it also forces me to see another failure. Another thing that I should never of gotten myself into. Another selfish desire to just be left alone. Yeah that's it!!!! Deep down I want to be alone. So that I dont take on anymore responsibilities despite whether they are mine or someone elses that have been given to me. But being alone and being alone with all the responsibilities is a completely different ball of wax!!!!! So it scares me to be alone with everything. Because everyone has such high expectations of me. And it is too hard to keep meeting those expectations. And being a Mom society itself has a whole new set of priorities and expectations. But not one place in there has anyone stopped to see that maybe I dont want to be any longer. Maybe I've done the best I can or the best I ever will and that's all I have to offer.

    What if I didnt "just do" yesterday? What if I just said I CANT!!! How many of you would be saying all the kind words right now? How many would be saying "MONSTER!!!" Well I cant guarantee the "just do" anymore. That is the honest feeling right now. And what if the day comes and I do just shut off, snap, and say uh uh, not today. I CANT!!!! I want to be dead before I ever let that kind of harm fall to my babies. So being dead before it can happen saves everyone in the long run.

    I'm facing another crisis as I type this with my daughter. What if this is the one where I say nope cant? So taking myself out of the picture now is much better than both of us being hurt once again. Me for failing her and her for me being a failure. I'm trying to exist in a world where the tests are thrown at me every damn day. I didnt study long enough or hard enough to take them anymore. As it stands right this moment, I'm so afraid that my "on" button broke yesterday. And I cant take that chance with my kids to stick around long enough to find out if it indeed did.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 18, 2009
  12. Stormhand

    Stormhand Well-Known Member


    Itmahanh you did great handling the situation with your son, try to give yourself more credit.

    I know how it can be in life when you have so much responsibility it can put you on overload.

    You should try not to listen to others so much, you can only do as much as you can, don't let their expectations stress you out.

    I know your kids love you for who you are, how much they see you care for them.

    Above all hun, you just need a break..period