Scum's Disclaimer: I used to have a thread in the diary section, but I got it closed because someone thought it was about them and had a go at me about it. If you read this and for some reason you think its about you or that I'm having a go at you, then stop, and think why. If you carry on reading right to the end you will see what I truly feel about this situation and why. You will see who creates these situations and who it is that needs to resolve them; me. In case anyone feels a need to get defensive, to respond nastily and cruelly, ask yourself why when this is a non threatening 'let it all out' from me, to me. I'm not sure why I'm posting this publicly; probably because I'm never heard, and it would be nice to be heard, for once. I think I hope for too much from people. I tend to live by the rule 'do as you would be done by'. This is particularly in place on forums. For forums I try to treat people with respect, I try to validate people, I try to hear people, I try to reach out if I know something is going on, or someone needs help, I try to offer constructive help to allow the person to improve things for themself, I try not to make assumptions, I try to ask questions to understand more, I try to be there for someone no matter what state I'm in. Thing is, generally people don't reciprocate. I rarely feel heard or able to talk about stuff. Times I have posted, people have made my post about themselves. I feel like people only talk to me for support, and this is becoming more and more evident. For example, when I posted about having a bad day 'tomorrow' (it was the then tomorrow- not actually today's tomorrow) and being scared and needing help, people sort of vaguely replied to the post. The words they said the day before were hollow because they didn't follow through. People should not say things, especially on here, unless they can follow through. I know that generally I am a self fulfilling prophecy with this because when people ask me how I am, I don't bother replying, I mean, what's the point? People don't ask me how I am because they want to know how I am, they ask me how I am so that I ask them back and then they get the support they need from me. I have told people how I am only to be ignored too many times to count, so there is not much point actually putting myself in that position, because it hurts so much to be ignored, or brushed aside. If someone offers me support then I always, ALWAYS try to repay that favour as people hopefully know. I can't bear just taking, or just using people, yet I continually put myself in the firing line to be used by people. I know in my head, but not in my heart, that care means different things to different people at different times. When I write a reply, I actually don't feel care towards that person generally. I've been hurt too much that I don't feel care about anything or anyone, although I know that I must care in there somewhere. People are too quick to say they care when they don't, or when they want to care. They then don't follow through on their words, after all, they are just words. Words don't mean anything unless they are backed up by behaviour. I also know in my head, but not my heart, that there are different types of care. Things like 'I care about you unconditionally, whatever happen', 'I care about you when I am thinking of you but not the rest of the time', 'I care about you when I need support from you', 'I care about you while you visit this website', things like that. Mostly, on the web, its a case of 'out of sight, out of mind' (or 'out of site out of mind'), but I can't get that into my head. For those I genuinely care about, I wonder how they are, even if I can't see their name on the forum anywhere, or have no contact for whatever reason. I give and give and give and then feel abandoned, betrayed and rejected when I need support and people are not there. It happens time and time again. The common factor is me. I then get angry at other people for saying they care and not actually caring, but really, I am the one with the issue because, like I say, I am the common factor. Always happens to me. I generally then get bitter and angry and leave the site. Sometimes for good, sometimes for a shot period, othertimes for months, weeks on end. All that does though, is cement everything I think people think about me because, once again, when I've left, no one is interested in where I've gone, how I'm doing or anything. I don't actually expect people to be, but plenty of people say they would be interested/concerned, and again don't follow through. I wish people would not say things they don't mean. People should say they don't care, or that they are not bothered, or whatever, but people should not get your hopes up, only to deflate them when maybe you need them most. The problem does not just lie with forums though, its in real life too. And I think that is the main problem. If I felt heard in real life then forums would mean jack shit, but forums are generally the only place I have to be heard. The real life situations are a real trigger for the forum situations. Being treated as though you are the most worthless person in the world can be so hard to deal with. When its then back up in a place that you love, by people who previously said different, it hurts even more. It hurts and cuts so deep. The forums are not the problem- real life is. I don't know how to change real life. I don't know how to make myself heard, so I just block it out, and channel all my feelings towards the forums. Point is, I know this is my fault. I know that no one cares and I know that is down to me. I know all these things, but sometimes I forget that I know them. I forget people say things they don't mean, I forget I'm worthless, I forget many things. The only person to blame for that, is myself.