A year and a half ago, I took an attempt on my life, nearly killed me. Thats the unimportant part. The last couple of months I've had to pull myself back from that brink again, I could feel it, as the days started to wear me out again, as I seem to refuse to sleep, and every morning was like watching a dark sun rise. The sun can look so dark at times. See I managed to shut off quiet a few parts of me after my first attempt, I'd given up in the a sense, in order to survive. And it worked to a lesser extent, I was becoming happier, I had a good job, was managing my life like any other 20 year old. I had my friends, I wasn't prone to random bouts of depression, I wasn't drinking or smoking nearly as much as I use too, but then on the whim of the heart, and taking some EXTREMELY STUPID ADVICE from a friend. I threw myself right back into a state of pure self descructive behavior. And I knew it would but I followed blindly into that trap anyways. And for the last few months, I've managed to calm parts of myself down, done a little damage control, and have gotten myself to a place where I can at lest function. Two months ago I was all bullets and razors I swear. Anyways I'm making this post because right now, I'm managing to shut those parts of me off again. I can finally be a bit more pragmatic about things. I've screwed my life up, don't get me wrong, but at lest it's easier when I don't seem to care so much about stupid shit. Got to be careful out there is all I'm saying. My friend thought he was helping me (I had gotten a little depressed about life in general, but no where near the depths of alcoholism and self destructive behaivor I find myself now) but in reality following his advice was the worse thing I could of done. Not his fault really, he didn't know I could be such a social clutz, nor did he realize how much certain things can hurt a senstive human being like me. See I just woke up after three hours of sleep due to the lack of nicotine and alcohol in my system. I'm that addicted sometimes, I can't sleep because of the lack of chemicals in my body. I wasn't that bad a year ago, but hell I gotta self medicate, but now I've come to completely depend on it just to function (again if I never had gotten so depressed again but Coulda,shoulda, woulda!). Considering I can still squeeze enough money to make bills and keep myself delightlfully intoxicated, is quiet a feat! Considering I lack any true employment, living by the skin of my teeth. I'm actually glad I managed to get to this point though, it was scary at times but I'm wiser now. Funny part was, the exact words from my mouth were "Dude, I think I shouldn't." Guess what? I shouldn't of. One friend, giving me a tiny bit of advice, made me lose my job, flung me straight back into addictions, and set my life back at lest a couple of years. It's easy to slip up.