It's eating me up inside.....I want to die so bad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by impulse617, Jun 8, 2007.

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  1. impulse617

    impulse617 Well-Known Member

    A little about me: I'm 17, just graduated from high school. I have depression problems, a doctor has not diagnosed this but I think it's safe for me to assume that I do have depression. Even when things are going great for me, sometimes I just feel like everything is wrong and nobody cares and such. It never really pushes me to suicide though, just makes me feel like crap.

    Ok now as for my situation, there is this girl that I've known for a little over a year now, she's 3 years younger then me. Me and her are related in a way, my aunt married her brother (we consider each other cousins). We met at their wedding and after that we started getting pretty tight. She has a twin sister, I was pretty cool with both of them for a while.

    But things aren't like that anymore, she hates my guts now. Around January of this year, my depression started setting in. I started saying things to her like "nobody cares about me" and stuff like that. I started saying that I didn't want to live anymore and that I was suicidal. Well she obviously didn't understand how I felt because she was telling me that I was being to dramatic. One day in January, while I was in one of those depressed moods, she told me that she had had enough and she didn't want me to talk to her again. Over time, she has gone on to tell me that she doesn't like me or care about me. Basicly I just feel betrayed. I tried to apologize and tell her I was sorry and that I love her, but she wouldn't listen to me. I spent over a month trying to talk to her and get her to forgive me but its like no matter what I did, it was never enough.

    Its been about 5 months since I last tried talking to her and I really haven't spoken to her since. Recently I have found out that she had been talking shit about me behind my back to other people that I know, telling them that I'm weird and stuff like that. Those people won't talk anymore either. My cousin has been trying to ruin my life and has gotten almost all my friends to turn on me. There's really only 1 true friend I have left that hasn't turned on me (she is actually best friends with my cousin). I do love that girl to death and appreciate her for being there but it is not enough to stop me from feeling this way. I still can't believe my cousin would do this to me. I love her a lot and when your hated by someone you love, it eats you up inside.

    However, all of this happened a while back, right around the time she stopped talking to me. I have no idea how she feels about me right now, she may want to end this and go back to being friends like we were, or she might still hate me and not want to hear from me at all. All I know is that I'm to afraid to talk to her and find out because if I find that she still hates me, then its REALLY gonna hurt, I'm not sure it's a risk that I can take. From what I see, she has been dropping small hints that she does want to end this and go back to being friends. But I could be wrong, I could go to her again and she could say something like "OMG don't you get it??? I don't like you, now stay out of my life forever". Like I said, a huge risk.

    When I'm around her (which is rare, only during family get-togethers) I act like it doesn't bother me even though inside it's killing me. I was at a play of hers yesterday (I went because my niece and friend were in it as well) and during her scene I wouldn't even look at her, the whole time I just had my head down and my eyes on my phone. The whole time, I didn't speak or look at her. I said hi to her sister and that was it. Maybe she now feels that i'm mad at her as well and feels remorseful about what she has done....or maybe she could care less.

    Me and her sister still talk here and there but I get the feeling that she also doesn't like me. What hurts worse is that their birthday party is coming up, it's a sweet 15 (its like a sweet 16, huge thing in their culture). Its in a few weeks and I know that I will not be invited. They are inviting practicly the whole city (they are very popular), I feel like I'm the only one not going. This hurts so much because it's a big thing in their lives and I wanted to be a part of it.

    We haven't spoken in 5 months, things could of blown over in that time and she could want to be friends again. Or she could hate me more then ever, I really don't know. I really do hope that she feels remorse over what she has done to me and I want things to go back to the way they were. I'm just to scared to contact her for fear that she might still be mad after this time and still hate me. Because lets face it, if she still hates me after 6 months of no communication then she will probably hate me for the rest of her life.

    Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, she's a heartless bitch and she's not worth my time. Well, I would have to say that I agree with you but that doesn't make things any easier for me to deal with. She's still family and I still love her and I want things to be right between us again like they were before. Unfortunately....I don't know if things will ever be right again. This is all just killing me, I don't know how much longer I can take this pain. I can't stop thinking about her, I try to do stuff to take my mind off it but nothing helps. I don't know what to do, I don't know how much longer I can go on, I'm hanging by a thread. I don't know what to do....the pain is unbearable, I need someone out there to help me :sad:
  2. impulse617

    impulse617 Well-Known Member

    24 views and 0 replies....sorry I know it's long but I couldn't think of any way to make it shorter

    I'm getting closer and closer to the edge by the second :(
  3. bluedays

    bluedays Well-Known Member

    I don't have any quick advice, but I am really sorry you're in so much pain.

    You could try talking to her one on one, asking her if there's a way that the 2 of you can make peace with this and at least be on good terms again for the sake of the family and mutual friends. She might not agree to it, but you could at least ask her why she is so angry with you and what made her split from your friendship to give you some answers or some closure with it. That may not be possible, if she's acting like that.

    Sometimes people like that are just in their own world and don't have the same compassion as the rest of us. I think sometimes those of us who are sad and depressed tend to have more ability to reach out to others just because we know how it feels. She might not have any of those feelings, so she might just be one of those superficial people who doesn't understand and so she has an attitude about it.

    If nothing works to make peace with her, then unfortunately you will have to accept it. And what you said is true - she is NOT worth your time if she can treat you like that! The best thing you can do is reach out to others like you're doing here... and reach out to other people you ARE close to. Try to take small steps to make new friends with similar interests or do things you're interested in to form new contacts. And also, try to look outside of your current circle and get to know people who aren't in that same group who won't be involved in all the gossip. There are tons of people who need close friends just as much as you (and I) do, and who don't know how to reach out either.

    Although I am a lot older than you, I have been where you are and I do understand the hurt and pain you feel. I am sending you a lot of best wishes and good thoughts.
  4. impulse617

    impulse617 Well-Known Member

    thanx, I really appreciate your concern.

    Yea, that isn't really an option. Like I said, I haven't said a word to her in months, she might want to end this thing just like I do.....or not, i'm really afraid to find out for fear that she may still be mad. If she is still mad after this long then she most likely always will be and I will feel 10 times worse.

    I really don't feel like I have a lot to apologize for. Maybe I shouldn't of said that I had nobody and that she didn't care, but there is no excuse for what she did to me. I don't understand how somebody could be so heartless.

    A part of me wants to just go off on her. I actually wrote a letter that I was gonna give to her. Its pretty harsh, I know if I gave it to her she would probably curl up in a fetal position and cry or sumthing. She likes to act tough but she's really not, when she's confronted like that she'll back down. Yea...I would have to say she is pretty pathetic. I'm not going to give it to her though....I know karma will most likely bite me in the ass if I do.

    With all this said, I still want things to work out between us.
  5. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    I think that writing a letter might be a good idea. But forget the harsh letter. You should simply tell her how you feel and that you want to work things out. If she doesn't respond, then you'll know. But someone has to make the first move. I hope you can work things out with her. :hug:
  6. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    Don't let depression overtake you. Heh, think twice... you said it yourself, she's honestly... man, you have done nothing at all, she has been a heartless bitch, you've done nothing wrong. This is not worth dying for.

    There are two ways to go about it. You can do something, or you can do nothing. Yeah, stupid way of putting it, but I mean it, literally.

    This girl... I agree that maybe a letter would be the best option, if a phone call or a face-to-face confrontation may be too much. Maybe email? If a letter goes unreplied, you could call or send another.

    Just say what you feel. Honesty and open-ness tends to give you an element of surprise, sad though it is. We are different to the main flow of people, and normal people tend to find it difficult to understand us, sometimes even outright rejecting us. Your cousin sounds a little like... a drama queen type, always needing this... well, I'll stop. I'm not sure really, but I do know that, if she can't handle it, it's not YOUR problem, it's HERS. You have not done a single thing wrong.

    The second way of doing it, do nothing. I know it doesn't sound ideal, many people would probably go against me, but I am speaking from personal experience. Don't take her supposed 'hatred' to heart so. Maybe she doesn't hate you. Maybe she never hated you, she just wanted another drama going on. Just let it fly. Don't think about it, just get on with your own life.

    I had a friend like that, we just suddenly had this thing and we never talked. And neither of us ever did anything. Then a year or so later, we started saying small 'hey's and such. Of course everything before stuck in our memories. But with time, things can heal. There is a peak to grudges and emotions, and then things just start to slide.

    Sometimes taking no action is better. Because most things do improve, eventually. If you think about it, in lots of cases when people try and do things, with the best intentions, the situation just screws up even more.

    I'm not saying that necessarily. This is your choice, you can do what you like. But you need to let the pain go away, so... just let it slide, let time do the healing, or confront her. I'd say taking action is a gamble, but if you can, let it go. It would take time, it's been five months and you've been killing yourself over it (not literally, excuse my wording), but to just, let it go. If she really feels remorse, maybe she will say sorry to you.

    Or maybe, at least give her a letter. Not harsh, but don't pour your emotions all out either. Just ask her about it, ask if you're okay, say you want to fix things, tell her she's forgiven if she wants to.

    Bluedays made some good points; find some friends, talk to people. Just get over it, let it go, let it fly. Things will work out, whatever you choose.

    Good luck. :)
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