It's funny how...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by betteroffunknown, Mar 27, 2015.

  1. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    everything I believed is now showing me it really wasn't. Can't help but wonder if it ever really was in the first place; it sure had me convinced it was. I'm so dang gullible!! What a sucker I am!!!!

    I'm extremely desperate to slip away into the world of nothingness and leave it at that. I simply don't have the strength to continue to deal with the lies life has a way of throwing at me. I can't deal with all the changes being thrown at me, either!!!
     
  2. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    Hey there Rhinolady.

    I now it may seem like it right now, but maybe later you'll feel that not everything is a lie.

    Were you let down by a lover, a family member, a company?

    Part of having hope is accepting that things don't always work out as you want. I want you to find that hope. :)
     
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Vaughn!!

    If there is any one person in this world who knows that things don't always work out the way you want that would be me. I've only had one thing that has ever worked out that way (the way I want). I can't count on anything as such. I genuinely believed that things had made a dramatic turn around 6yrs ago, and I was so thankful for that and the things I did reflected my gratitude. It's how I lived.

    All this mainly has to do with those I thought were my friends and fellow colleagues. I can't even begin to tell you how seriously I'm craving to disappear at this point.
     
  4. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    You know what really sucks? People. Other people. They really do.

    There's a whole spectrum of personality traits - from the good to the bad, and some of us seem to be magnets for the bad.

    I think the answer is some self-examination. Are you doing something to attract such people into your life?

    Oh, and the important bit - it's okay to hate on horrible people. Don't verbalize it, don't get into arguments. But it's okay to call them names in your head.

    Sometimes it can help to write it down in the privacy of your home at night too. Like a diary.

    But I know how you feel. Sometimes I watch a Zombie movie and don't recognize which are the zombies and which are the people - people can be so disappointing!
     
  5. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks again, Vaughn!!!

    I've done a ton of self examination; it's the first place I look! I made a choice at a very young age, 09 to be exact, that I refused to repeat the patterns I saw as a result of how other people treated me. I was able to see (yes, at 09yrs old) that more often than not that the way people behaved was actually a reflection of how they were treated (which I found sad). I could see that behaviors were mainly a pattern, more like a cycle, and I was determined not to repeat the ones I experienced (and I NEVER have)! I believed and had no problem with accepting that was my responsibility, and still do to this day! I also saw that I couldn't change anyone else, but I did have a say with how I behaved. I realize this level of understanding is basically unheard of in children, especially without the assistance of anyone else, but nonetheless it is still truth. I've always known and been able to see, I'm not like anyone else. While this certainly has its pro's it definitely has its con's as well - as everything in life does. I like that I'm not like anyone else, but as I said it does have its downsides, too.

    I didn't believe for a second that I was the bad person others (more my mom than anyone but she spread that to others) was making me out to be. (Ironically she NEVER even tried to get to know me!!) And in reality, I really wasn't bad!! I admit that by my teen years I wasn't the easiest kid to deal with, but that came as a direct result of losing a loved one very very close to me (my little sis), and being the only person NOT allowed to go to her funeral. Other than a couple years during that time I was always an easy going, people pleasing kid. I would do things just to be nice, too, never expecting anything in return. My mom hated it when I did those kinds of things, and by the time I was in high school she even told me to stop doing them. But could I stop? NO, because that was a part of who I was. I just didn't do them for her anymore.

    I've always been non confrontational, too. If anything I do is going to cause confrontation then I won't do it, so I do my absolute best to take time to contemplate things before I do them. I've even walked away from things if I saw confrontation couldn't be avoided any other way.

    I've also always been a contemplative person. Not sure if it's just how I am or if it's because I was in a position to deal with things on my own while growing up (probably a bit of both), but most of the time a lot of thought is put into something before I do it. When I haven't taken the time to think before acting the consequences have been extreme which brings me back to the basic requirement (for me) to contemplate before I act. Taking this time is not always easy for me to do especially in a world where everyone wants and expects everything right now.

    Sometimes I think the people I seem to attract are simply put in my path to learn from, and that learning is done so in the same fashion I always have (like when I was 09yrs old). As such, I have learned a lot of amazing and helpful things, and taken away countless encouraging things learned by having known them. But it's also been a lonely place to be because nothing ever lasts! I realize nothing lasting is a part of life, but when it doesn't have to be that way are the times I find the most difficult.

    However, as a direct result of having lost my sister when I was 13 I had developed an even more sincere and deeper appreciation for the people in my life, so when things change and people change (in not good ways) I find it exceedingly difficult to handle because I love and appreciate them so much. Sometimes I think people really just don't know what to do with my being the way I am, and that maybe they find it nice for a little while then get burnt out on it over time - I'm not totally sure, but nevertheless it still hurts. There have also been those who have totally and completely, by anyone's definition, have abused my kindness and gentle heart. Some have done it unknowingly while others did know and simply didn't care.
     
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I'm both feeling and seeing a need to specify something here. There are a lot of amazing, empowering and encouraging things to learn in and from life. I couldn't deny that even if I wanted to, but that's not so much my issue as it is the extremest of fatigue. I have grown tired of the dramatic and traumatic which have a way of finding me. I don't seek it out; don't have to nor want to. I'm a peaceful, non confrontational person and yet it always has its way of finding me, and when it does it demands and commands my attention.

    Sometimes I find myself, even if only for a few minutes, envying those who's lives are far less challenging, but I know there is a reason they don't just as there is a reason I face what I do which is oddly comforting. I say odd because I am odd. I'm comforted that it's me that goes through them and not those who don't. It might go without saying, but I would feel bad for them if they had to experience the kinds of things I have/do.

    I believe I'm meant to learn something from it all, and do my best to learn everything I can from situations, but afraid I still don't understand why these things have to be learned from such extreme events. I learn a LOT from listening to other people, too!!!! I'm almost endlessly fascinated to listen to other peoples stories even if I don't say much or anything in return, so again I can't comprehend why the need to have to experience such extreme things. About the only benefit I've seen to this point is that it leaves me able to relate to a larger variety of people (isn't necessarily a bad thing), and I learn things that people who don't face the extreme challenges can't learn because they haven't walked in these shoes. These lessons can't be learned from any book, either, but sometimes that doesn't make it any easier even though there is great value in it nonetheless.

    Ok. I'm sure I sound officially crazy now, and probably am. I'm a dreamer and idealist who is not a great fit for this world. Maybe it really is time to move on.....

    I'm just tired - very, very, very, VERY tired. I'm tired that nothing good ever lasts. Maybe it's just time to stop holding so much so dear to my heart, but what a sad way to 'live'. Maybe that lesson I took away from my sisters passing was not the best one to take away from it.

    Just wish I could find a way to rest, which would involve isolation, at least for a season. But I know that can't and isn't going to happen, and believe me when I say I've tried to do that. This is what steers my mind to the ultimate state of release and rest; the desperation is just that great.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015