…That somehow I know, with complete certainty, <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> It's as if I can feel the grave calling me, creeping up my legs. It's up to my stomach, now; I remember when it was just at my feet. Does that mean I'm about halfway there? Unable to sleep (it's 2:30AM here), lying awake in the silent darkness, a lot of things become clearer. I can see that my family only cares for me as much as they are obligated to, that their love is precisely equal to their sense of honor and social correctness. I can see that they will be hurt by my death, but I can also see that the pain will come mostly, if not completely, from their undeniable failure. But they have only seen what they want to see in me, so I am sure they will think themselves out of it eventually. Time helps wounds. I can see that I will always be alone. I have never had and will never find a friend or a lover. I will always push people away before they get too close, knowing that the healthiest relationships I've known have been acutely ambivalent at the best of times. I can see that I will never be able to achieve my goals, that I will always be overlooked, unrecognized, and ignored as I have been for as long as I can recall. I will always be the first one to blame and the last one forgiven. My parents and sister taught me that; the world has only proven it. I wish I could kill myself now. Honestly, I wish I had killed myself four years ago. I'm about to move to another town, another school, trying yet again to find a place where I belong. I know I will not find it. I belong nowhere. When this college turns out as disappointing as the last, will I finally follow through on my plans? For I've been carefully considering my options over the past 8 years, and I know most of the details: the method, the location, the things to burn or throw away beforehand. I even know how I want my body to be dealt with. The only thing missing is the date. Sorry if this doesn't belong here. I wasn't sure where to put it. I suppose few will read this pathetic, self-pitying tale of misery, but I wanted to put it down anyway. Thanks for reading.