It's funny...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Melmoth the Wanderer, Aug 7, 2008.

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  1. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    …That somehow I know, with complete certainty, <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> It's as if I can feel the grave calling me, creeping up my legs. It's up to my stomach, now; I remember when it was just at my feet. Does that mean I'm about halfway there?

    Unable to sleep (it's 2:30AM here), lying awake in the silent darkness, a lot of things become clearer. I can see that my family only cares for me as much as they are obligated to, that their love is precisely equal to their sense of honor and social correctness. I can see that they will be hurt by my death, but I can also see that the pain will come mostly, if not completely, from their undeniable failure. But they have only seen what they want to see in me, so I am sure they will think themselves out of it eventually. Time helps wounds.

    I can see that I will always be alone. I have never had and will never find a friend or a lover. I will always push people away before they get too close, knowing that the healthiest relationships I've known have been acutely ambivalent at the best of times.

    I can see that I will never be able to achieve my goals, that I will always be overlooked, unrecognized, and ignored as I have been for as long as I can recall. I will always be the first one to blame and the last one forgiven. My parents and sister taught me that; the world has only proven it.

    I wish I could kill myself now. Honestly, I wish I had killed myself four years ago.

    I'm about to move to another town, another school, trying yet again to find a place where I belong. I know I will not find it. I belong nowhere. When this college turns out as disappointing as the last, will I finally follow through on my plans? For I've been carefully considering my options over the past 8 years, and I know most of the details: the method, the location, the things to burn or throw away beforehand. I even know how I want my body to be dealt with. The only thing missing is the date.

    Sorry if this doesn't belong here. I wasn't sure where to put it. I suppose few will read this pathetic, self-pitying tale of misery, but I wanted to put it down anyway. Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 7, 2008
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    What makes you think your family only loves you in the obligatory amount? I am not familiar with the issues you are dealing with, but you sound like an intelligent young person that could eventually do many things once they get headed in the right direction. I hope this new school exceeds your expectations and you can feel at ease there. If you go in thinking things will not work out and don't give it a chance, of course it won't. What goals do you have set for your future? What things do you think you will be unable to realize? Please do not make any life altering decisions when you are feeling negative or down. Your thinking can be skewed at these times. Hang in there, take care, and most of all-stay safe. :hug:
  3. Ginko

    Ginko Member

    It is funny but there is absolutely nothing to laugh about.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Melmoth,
    You say your parents only love you as far as what is obligated. I think they love you alot more than you think. You have to remember they are from a different generation . Back in there days you didn't talk about such things. And you only went to the hospital if you were starkraving mad. You need to sit them down and let them know just exactly how you are feeling.
    Are you in any kind of therapy? If not you should at least see a therapist because they can help you shed light on why you feel the way you do... I wish you the best of luck and Stay Safe...
  5. jerrin

    jerrin Guest

    Yeah, I read all your words and I found this interesting. I think each and every thing depends upon you and your adoptive power and you have to think like you are a brave human.
  6. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your replies, gentlelady, Ginko, Stranger1, and jerrin.

    I believe my family only loves me an necessary amount because, for lack of a better word, I was ignored, but not neglected, for most of my childhood. There was a strange, somewhat flexible social hierarchy in my family determined by my mother. My older sister is the most important member of the family; she cannot be bothered and must always be catered to. Then comes my mother. Until recently, after her came her dog (one time, when my knee gave out while I was holding him, he was rushed to the animal hospital while I ended up alone at home...But now it's a joke, of course). My father and I tend to switch places. Right now, I'm above him, but only because my mother's divorcing him.

    I was reminded of this yesterday when I realized my father is going to have to help me move to my new apartment, and he becomes very unpleasant when he does this kind of work. My mother was supposed to help me, but, yet again, she got sick and cannot. I know I sound callous and selfish, but she tends to hurt herself like this every single time something important comes up--she's unbelievably psychosomatic, though she won't admit it. My sister and her husband cannot be bothered because they are going to his hometown--which means they are passing right through my current location, but don't want to make the detour. I do not have a driver's license (I hate driving and I can't afford a car anyway, not without extorting money from my parents like my sister does), and so I am blamed for not being able to move myself. My sister had the entire family help her move, but I guess it's because she had a few pieces of furniture, while I only have a few chairs.

    Sorry to rant like that. I know I'm being petty.

    My aspiration is to work in the theater as a designer, techie, or director, but after being so soundly rejected at this college, I have little hope of finding acceptance elsewhere. My ideas of theater go against the popular thoughts of today. I believe theater is art: most theater people know it is a business and little more. I look to Stanislavsky, Artaud, and Grotowski for inspiration: they look to the movie industry and similar business models. I realize there is merit and value to their viewpoints, but they cannot see the same in mine.

    I won't do anything drastic. I haven't even bought the gun yet, though I do live in a state where one is easily acquired. I realize my thinking is affected by my depression, but even in the best of times, I know this new school and town is my last hope. However, I won't do anything until I've exhausted my options.

    I am also in therapy and on medication, which often helps me get by.

    Thanks again for your replies and concern. I really do appreciate it.
  7. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    It seems to me like, deep down, you know suicide isn't the way out. You have dreams, your posting on here. And that's good. As someone once said to me; suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem.
    You say you're getting a new apartment. That's a good step, you'll be away from your parents and you won't be aruond them 24/7 right? That might relieve some of the pressure.
    Just keep taking each day as it comes and know we are here for you :hug:
  8. CPessimist

    CPessimist Well-Known Member

    <3 if you ever need someone to talk to I'll lend an ear to listen.
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