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It's funny.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Zueri, Feb 9, 2011.

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  1. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    Never did think I'd ever come back here. I doubt anybody still remembers me. I don't even know why I'm posting this.

    I just HATE everything right now. My insomnia is back, and I don't seem to be able to fall asleep without drinking myself into oblivion. Seeing as how that's turned into a little bit of a problem, I'm trying not to do that. And not doing that is leaving me a lot of alone time with my thoughts, which is really not good. I spend to much time in my head at work anyways, and I never come to any good conclusions about myself or my life. When I'm alone in my head on my own, I start doing stupid things to myself. I start thinking of stupid things to do to myself. And then I start thinking of all the reasons I should be doing stupid things to myself.

    I hate what's happened to my life since my mom died. I've ranted and raved about this so many fucking times, but all I seem to do is work nowadays, and I never seem to have anything to show for all of my work. Dearest daddykins seems to walk away with whateverthefuck I've earned. Moving out would be the logical conclusion. That used to not be an option because I was too young. Now I can legally move out, but I'm freaked the fuck out of doing so without an excuse like school because dad is a big scary man who's hurt me a lot in the past. Stupid, no? I'm daddy's little doll, and I'm pretty scared that he's going to break me if I try to leave. He doesn't have much respect for the law, in any case.

    So, what do I do to deal with that? I play music, until the neighbors start knocking on the door. Then I drink. And drink and drink and drink and drink. I don't think there's been a single day in the past half year where I haven't gone to bed half smashed. Probably not a good thing. It's starting to mess with me. I seem to be dizzy and light headed all the time. When I'm not fogged out of the world, I feel empty. Empty empty empty. Just a stupid little worker bee.

    Probably doesn't help that my ex-boss drugged me and got me drunk and took full advantage of me at a party. Didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary that we were drinking together with some friends at his place. Hell, he'd taken me to shows with his wife and my friends and boyfriends and what not. We went to concerts together and shit. Only his wife was out of town that night, and my friends were fucked up as well. I don't think I'll ever forget seeing is fucking face in the morning asking me if my arms hurt and if I could be trusted to return a shirt (mine was in tatters). Then came the sadistic: "Your friends are gone. I wonder if I should take you home or just leave you here for the day." He made me fucking blow him and promise come back to work the net day to take me back to town. He was surprised that I came in only to hand in a resignation.
    One would think I would have learned my lesson to cut out the drinking and shit. But, no. I've ended up drinking a lot more since that. Somehow I feel it was my fault. And I feel fucking awful because of it. Filthy. Dirty. Sick. Bad.

    Wonderful friends I have. Boyfriend, too. He was my ride up there. He said that he left because he felt out of control. They made a few remarks when they saw me after that that I really didn't look comfortable with my boss. They said they left because it "wasn't a nice scene." Can't blame them, though. I invited them.
    The bf went so far as to call himself a victim. I fought. I showed him the marks on my wrists, and he didn't fucking give a shit. Just gave me a hard time. My boss was his friend...it's some consolation that they don't talk to each other anymore, at least.
    Dad doesn't know what happened. He yelled at me for quitting the job. Said I was a lazy good-for-nothing bitch. That felt good.

    Nobody knows, really, except the boyfriend. Kinda glad they don't. I'm kinda glad they don't. I just...I don't know. I feel like just vanishing.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry this happen to you and NO nothing was your fault He needs to be charged for what he did okay he needs the authorities on his ass now He is abusing his position as boss I am glad you quit the job Now you get enough courage and get the hell out of your fathers house as well. You can call a womens shelter and get in there where you will be kept safe and they will help you get out on your own and to be strong on you own two feet okay. Call the cops on this boss if you have the strength too just so it is on record okay incase it happens to someone else even if you don't take it to court he will have a record reported Time to start looking after YOU okay call womens shelter today and move out where you will feel safe hugs
  3. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words...

    Not sure I can do anything about my boss now; it's been more than a few months...
    Apparently he has a record for drug abuse and drunk driving already.
    I just can't fucking believe it. We were friends for a long while, and it was a good job. He's forty fucking years older than me. Thinking about it makes me want to puke.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Here you have up to 3 years to report an incident you were still in shock and may still be some only if you have the strength charge him okay sick bastard he is charge him and make him sweat a bit even if you can't take him to court he will be sorry for what he did to you hugs
  5. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    oh, christ, everything you say always resonates with me quite heavily, sometimes pulls a few tears to the surface

    i understand (understand, understand, understand, understand) the drinking thing, and the feeling empty when not all the way fucked up and going through the motions for the sake of survival. i understand being afraid of fathers and being their little dolls and slack boyfriends who don't quite get it but to whom you tie yourself anyway and being taken advantage of like that and feeling like not a goddamn soul in the world is close enough to you to listen, to really fucking listen and to listen good.

    it's lonely as shit. and it's hurtful, and when you're the sort who kind of lets things sit and simmer inside, it boils to the surface sometimes and there's nothing there to catch the overflow.

    not sure what to say here in terms of what's practical because it's all too dark and complicated to be all pragmatic about and all that bullshit, just that i hear you and i'm sorry and it isn't your fault at all and i hope you manage some sort of stability/safety/comfort in the near future and i think you're the absolute shit and i know for damn sure that you're stronger and you're smarter than your demons

    oh and if you wanna talk about it, locate me

    (no hackneyed emotes are appropriate here, but the same sentiment is there minus any insincerity)
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 10, 2011
  6. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    oh what the fuckkkkweral;sdjfads;ljfawfaweklj, where does this fucker live?
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