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It's getting a little worse (low priority thread)

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#1
Not about to kms, so focus on other threads, please!

I have the "censored method" basically set up, but have had for a long while. If it was my choice I'd wipe the planet out painlessly so that no one was harmed by my suicide, or anything else for all of eternity. But I can not do that, of course. So I have to deal with the fact that my entire family would be even more weakened than they already are (they are basically all having high functioning depression) by a possible suicide. This is not preferable to "me" because of "my" DNA-programming dictating that: since they share a high percentage of my genes (25-50 % each) they should be kept alive and thriving.

Still, during the last days I've lost some things: my mindfulness, my idealization of a possible job opportunity and the freshness of getting an old steam account back. Those made me more energetic and productive, getting me to apply for some jobs sometimes and do laundry, go for walk and so on. I can't remember any time since I turned 17 where I would not be happy if someone killed me painlessly, a selfish desire, of course. There were some times, even recently, where I imagined myself easily getting a job, getting ripped and having a girlfriend. But I know that shit takes more than one hour of half-assed motivation a week. Some say that motivation fails so you must cultivate discipline, failing to realize that all actions are taken by some form of motivation. The motivation to get disciplined is not there for me (at the moment). I was very disciplined for several years, but it did not get me a job, or a girlfriend, or a place to call my own. Simply due to the fact that I was productive and disciplined when I was still in school, during most of the schooling period, in fact.

To make me waste my best years of life on useless stuff that doesn't mean anything on the job market, dating market or house market is unforgivable. I am technically speaking "young" but I don't have any motivation since all of my effort, discipline and passion never gave me anything at all. Seriously, what would be different if I never passed a single class? Absolutely nothing. I would be unemployable, living with my parents, a virgin at 22 and having no friends in that case as well.

I am definitely going to kill myself as soon as I get an opportunity, my family would have to have abandoned me to the streets or died for this oppurtunity to arise. And those events are unlikely. I do feel that my parents can't complain about my suicide and if it were only them that would suffer, I would be less reluctant than I am. My sisters did nothing wrong, they didn't give birth to me (thereby "voting yes" or "accepting the terms and agreements" of life, including torture, rape and suicide by proxy). So I don't want to weaken them by ending my life.

No need to read or respond, I have this under control.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
you are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. first of all losing your virginity by a certain time isn't important. there are 2 things when it comes to having sex. 1. sex just for the pleasure of it basically lust, i'm not knocking it i have done that more times than i can remember. 2 making love, this is completely different and much more meaningful and pleasurable. you have plenty of time for either of them.

and motivation for a girlfriend or a job you have to work on. times are harder right now for both of those things. keep trying you can accomplish both as well as living on your own. i met my wife volunteering, i wasn't looking for a girlfriend much less a wife, it just happened. so don't force yourself to find a girlfriend just make yourself as available as possible and be yourself. and as for the job keep trying until you find one.

your family and friends will suffer and always blame themselves for not seeing it and stopping it. they will never recover from it. try to keep living and find ways to make your life happy and fulfilled. feel free to use my inbox any time you want to talk...mike...*hug*shake
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#3
you are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. first of all losing your virginity by a certain time isn't important. there are 2 things when it comes to having sex. 1. sex just for the pleasure of it basically lust, i'm not knocking it i have done that more times than i can remember. 2 making love, this is completely different and much more meaningful and pleasurable. you have plenty of time for either of them.

and motivation for a girlfriend or a job you have to work on. times are harder right now for both of those things. keep trying you can accomplish both as well as living on your own. i met my wife volunteering, i wasn't looking for a girlfriend much less a wife, it just happened. so don't force yourself to find a girlfriend just make yourself as available as possible and be yourself. and as for the job keep trying until you find one.

your family and friends will suffer and always blame themselves for not seeing it and stopping it. they will never recover from it. try to keep living and find ways to make your life happy and fulfilled. feel free to use my inbox any time you want to talk...mike...*hug*shake
Thank you, Mike. This was very helpful!

 

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