I can't take it anymore, I really can't. I'm alone now and the one hope I had of making things better I've screwed up. I thought moving to a new town and staring anew would give me a chance at a better life but my past keeps coming back and haunting me. I managed to put on a brave face for awhile but I fear the people here are starting to see what a worthless piece of shit I am. Suddenly I'm being left out of everything and everyone has turned weird. Obviously the only conclusion is I am screwed up, though I thought I was doing somewhat alright. I started with the heavy drinking again until last weekend when I decided it has to stop completely. I haven't had a sip of alcohol since then but I think I'm also having serious withdrawal symptoms. Right now I'm sitting alone in my room every day and I'm so fucked up I can't seem to do even simple tasks anymore, even watching tv is like a slow horrible chinese water torture. I'm also smoking a lot, keeps me busy for a few minutes a time. There's honestly no way I can see myself lasting much longer, hope is fading fast. This lifestyle has also brought on me several physical illnesses which I'm also morbidly afraid of showing a doctor. If I wasn't such a big pussy I would probably kill myself very soon. Who knows if I start with the incessant drinking again (which I fear I'll do) it will be over in a matter of weeks. I lived for many years in the shadow of my ex and somehow thought that her off-rubbed social life was atleast partly to my own credit, it wasn't though. She's doing fine now and having the time of her life. For me the reality has started to kick in, I don't think I can be repaired. Anything I do will get brutally molested by my inner demons.