It's getting close to the end of the line

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Oct 4, 2011.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I can't take it anymore, I really can't. I'm alone now and the one hope I had of making things better I've screwed up. I thought moving to a new town and staring anew would give me a chance at a better life but my past keeps coming back and haunting me. I managed to put on a brave face for awhile but I fear the people here are starting to see what a worthless piece of shit I am. Suddenly I'm being left out of everything and everyone has turned weird. Obviously the only conclusion is I am screwed up, though I thought I was doing somewhat alright.

    I started with the heavy drinking again until last weekend when I decided it has to stop completely. I haven't had a sip of alcohol since then but I think I'm also having serious withdrawal symptoms. Right now I'm sitting alone in my room every day and I'm so fucked up I can't seem to do even simple tasks anymore, even watching tv is like a slow horrible chinese water torture. I'm also smoking a lot, keeps me busy for a few minutes a time.

    There's honestly no way I can see myself lasting much longer, hope is fading fast. This lifestyle has also brought on me several physical illnesses which I'm also morbidly afraid of showing a doctor. If I wasn't such a big pussy I would probably kill myself very soon. Who knows if I start with the incessant drinking again (which I fear I'll do) it will be over in a matter of weeks.

    I lived for many years in the shadow of my ex and somehow thought that her off-rubbed social life was atleast partly to my own credit, it wasn't though. She's doing fine now and having the time of her life. For me the reality has started to kick in, I don't think I can be repaired. Anything I do will get brutally molested by my inner demons.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    My thoughts are with you. I don't really know you, although I wish I did. It's tough to comment being a guy here just reading the forums and what people are saying. I guess the common ground is we know what it's like to feel suicidal and unsafe...Alex
     
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Thanks, yeah I know how tough it is to comment on someone else despair. Writing online doesn't really feel that helpful to be perfectly honest but atleast it gets me something to do. God knows I'll take anything right about now.
     
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    When I'm down, I get into a state where I just want to go outside in the fresh air and use up a lot of my energy. Often, typing or writing is really draining, sort of like counseling sessions at times. At least that's how it has been for me. I don't know what works for you.
     
  5. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Perhaps I could try to go outside for a walk. I really wanted to work out today (I used to do that) but everything seems so impossible.
     
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hope you have a nice walk. :hug:
     
  7. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Thanks, it helped a bit. I also got a social task done which lifted my spirit a little.
    I'm just afraid that once a little time goes by spent alone here whatever small boost I got will plummet right back to the ground.

    I did some thinking though on the walk and I think I'm going to try and embrace this loneliness rather than fight it now. I really need to keep away from the beer, I'm pretty sure that is one of the main reasons I fucked things up now. Ironically it's also the thing that helped me make some advances here. Perhaps if I could get my workout routine going and just keep focusing on that I could get some confidence. I used to have a toned and muscular body and now it resembles a meatball more. While it didn't really make me more confident at the time I did get a lot of remarks from people (sadly I also got some of my friends envious).
     
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    :hug: Working out sounds great! I knew a guy who used to tell me to go workout, saying "Feel better. Look better. Sleep better." Good luck. I'm glad you got those tasks done.
     
  9. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Yeah it definitely feels great when you get it rolling and have this good type of ache in your muscles. This time though I'm going to do it only for that feeling. As I stated it never gave me more confidence with people, I was still as awkward as before. Something I've learned is socializing and only socializing will ultimately make you better with people.
    But working out does give you a lot more energy which of course helps in all aspects of life.
     
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