It's getting hard to live:

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stranger1, Jul 15, 2008.

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  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I am finding it to be harder to pull myself out of this funk. Because when I am in that state of mind I am not afraid to commit. I start thinking about my daughter and my grandaughter that helps to pull me back.
    I lost control about a week ago and had to get away because the next thing was to do it. I haven't been able to completely snap out of it. I am finding it harder and harder to post on the threads that have helped me to have a voice again.
    I have three things hanging over my head. My therapist tells me that I am fortune telling. I can't help it. I always think the worst senerio will happen. because of this I haven't been able to completely shake it.
    Another thing is if they move down here I am afraid because my daughter has lived with me a couple of times and I had to ship her butt back to New York because she kept running away. The town I live in has alot of transients. I was afraid something would happen to her. I am still walking a thin line between living and dieing. I hate who I am! I haven't even come close to having the things out of life that I wanted.
    It is real simple a woman who would love me like I would love them, to have children (iI got that partially), A desent job, and a home of our own. Crazy to think how old fashion those ideas are.
    If something happens to the three things hanging over me I will most surely go ahead and follow thru with it. My thoughts are so jumbled up right now that I don't even know if I am making sence. Thanks for the support I have been given here!!:chopper:!!
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i don't think those things are old-fashioned, and i hope one day you will find that perfect woman. i bet she's out there, hoping to meet the right guy (you...!!!)...

    when does your daughter move down? i know you were really trying to convince her that it would be a good thing. now that it's coming true, i bet there are a bunch of things to get sorted. try and focus your energy on the happy times ahead with your granddaughter. it's great you can be a more central part of her life.

    i know all about fortune telling, i tend to do that myself. best thing for me is to have a plan, and a backup plan no matter the situation. i don't worry about what i cannot control. if it goes well, i stick to the plan; if it goes poorly, i still stick to the plan. there is no room in the plan for harming myself.

    how are things going at therapy?
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Nah, there not old fashioned at all. It's good that you have things that you want to set out and gain, it gives a person a direction to move in.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I think the things you want are very reasonable and not at all old fashioned. I am glad you have those three things holding you here. I know you are both excited and nervous about your dayghter and granddaughter coming. I can't help but wonder if this isn't playing into things a little bit. You will find your voice here again. I have all the faith in the world in you. Take care and stay safe. :hug:
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    My daughter moved back home last fall. She's 20 now, and had lived on her own in a town east of Seattle. I missed her and worried about her - my little girl, my only girl. Of course, I still worry about her as she makes new friends and hangs out with less than desirable people.

    I've been married 36 years. I understand your desire for a fulfilling life with a wife and family. It's a good goal to work toward. Nothing to be embarassed about - it is old fashioned, but long history can be a good thing.

    How well I know about focusing on the worst case scenario. It doesn't make day to day living any easier. But it can be done, and you probably know that from past experience. Keep going.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I want to thank you all for the input. I guess you are right that her coming is going to be a good thing. It is going to force me to get out of the house more,so they can get around. My daughter is selling her car to come down here. So it will be up to me to get her to work then home again, and to get my grandaughter to school and back home.
    Everyone in my family keeps throwing that in my face. They say: you know you are going to have alot more responsibility, And other things like that. I'm depressed with a small list of other problems, I am not a child so quit trying to talk to me like I am one. I know that it is going to take an effort to accomplish these things.
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Ignore the little things your family say and ignore that they seem to treat you like a child. You are fully aware of what possibilities are ahead of you.
    I know you can rise up to meet the challenges that may come in the near future.
  8. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Hey, stranger. Life is always hard to live for some of us, isn't it. It takes way more energy and strength of will to deal with difficult times than most people ever experience. Enjoy your family. Try not to worry too much about what others say. You can do what you know is right and show your love for your daughter and granddaughter.

  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Giving you those extra responsibilities might be what you need to get you out of this slump. As you say, it will force you to get out more and become more active. This helps to distract you and force your thoughts elsewhere besides where they have been. I hope you find what you were looking for hun. Take care and stay safe. :hug:
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