I haven't cut in years. I cant tell you how many posts i've started with that line. I feel like I'm slipping..I feel so alone. I want it..to just, not feel anymore. Not hurt, not worry, just ride an endorphin high until i pass out...Over the last few days I've caught myself doing things im not supposed to. weird isnt it? that you can catch yourself doing something. I find myself walking to my bathroom, where i know my cutting tools are. Although they aren't cutting tools anymore. But they could be. And i know that. I keep finding myself pacing back and forth alone in this little one bedroom apartment. To the bathroom, back to the computer, to the bathroom, back to the computer. I know myself. I know that I can't cut once. I can't do it, i don't have the willpower. If i relapse it's over. It'll be years of trying to get myself to stop, thousands more scars, more blood, less friends. I know this. But sometimes it seems that I just don't care. And other times it seems like I'm possessed, not even myself. Half the time I dont realize i've moved until im standing in front of my bathroom mirror. I'm scared. I don't want this..I don't want to cut again, I dont want more scars. I don't want any of it. So why is it all I think about?