It's getting harder every day...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Songie, Oct 7, 2012.

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  1. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    I haven't cut in years. I cant tell you how many posts i've started with that line. I feel like I'm slipping..I feel so alone. I want it..to just, not feel anymore. Not hurt, not worry, just ride an endorphin high until i pass out...Over the last few days I've caught myself doing things im not supposed to. weird isnt it? that you can catch yourself doing something. I find myself walking to my bathroom, where i know my cutting tools are. Although they aren't cutting tools anymore. But they could be. And i know that. I keep finding myself pacing back and forth alone in this little one bedroom apartment. To the bathroom, back to the computer, to the bathroom, back to the computer. I know myself. I know that I can't cut once. I can't do it, i don't have the willpower. If i relapse it's over. It'll be years of trying to get myself to stop, thousands more scars, more blood, less friends. I know this. But sometimes it seems that I just don't care. And other times it seems like I'm possessed, not even myself. Half the time I dont realize i've moved until im standing in front of my bathroom mirror. I'm scared. I don't want this..I don't want to cut again, I dont want more scars. I don't want any of it. So why is it all I think about?
     
  2. ripples

    ripples Member

    Have you considered your actions to be obsessive compulsive, you might benefit from therapy if you can get access to it.
     
  3. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    I've been in therapy since I was 5. While I appreciate the thought, therapy was never much help to me.
     
  4. swallowfall

    swallowfall Active Member

    i know exactly what you're talking about; i experience the same thing sometimes. you might find it beneficial to talk about catching yourself with your therapist if you're still seeing them, otherwise there are lots of online counselling services available depending on where you live and your age. also, living with someone else who knows what you're going through may be beneficial, as well as keeping a diary of what you're doing and how you're feeling. i know it's hard, but it helped me to talk to my psychologist and doctor. i've always been better at writing things than talking. hope that helps :) stay strong.
     
  5. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    Thanks, i didn't see your post until now, [sigh]. I failed...I did it again. and then i felt so bad for doing it that I did it again today...I feel like such a failure. I've done so well for so long and now its like...it was all for nothing. all the time i spent NOT cutting and I'm right back where i started..
     
  6. swallowfall

    swallowfall Active Member

    don't feel bad. it's hard to break the cycle. you've done much better than me- i only lasted about 2 months before i started harming again. in fact, i thought it was good that i just went for nearly a whole week, all the while feeling suicidal, but then i went and undid it all today. so i know what you mean about hating yourself for undoing all your hard work.
     
  7. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    Thanks...I don't really know how I did it before. For a few months, it just never crossed my mind. everything got so good that I just didn't need it anymore. And then something awful happened, and I just kinda checked outta my own head...and I didn't think about anything, not even cutting. and then i snapped out of it, and I started thinking about it...and then i started dreaming about it...and then i thought i saw it...saw myself bleeding even though I wasn't.

    I feel like I've driven away the only people that matter by doing this...not that they hate me, I know they don't. But they don't talk to me the same..don't quite uh..idk, they're acting different. I feel so lost...and, idk, alone. And like maybe its better that way. I seem to over-complicate anyone's life that I come into contact with...they get dragged into this pitiful existence that is me.

    And they care about me and don't want to leave me alone. But i think we all know that i'm better off that way. Where I won't hurt anyone, I won't disappoint anyone, I won't make anyone's life worse than it already is. I think my worst fear is the only option for me. I just need to be alone.
     
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