My depression is getting worse. My suicidal thoughts are constant now. I've gone so far as to pick the way I think I want to do it, plan it and I know where everything I need is located. Care to know why I don't do it? I don't want my kids to find me. My teenagers mean the world to me and I don't want them to be the one to find me. So I think to myself, I'll go somewhere that they won't find me. Then I'm afraid that some other kids will find me. I need to go deep in the woods... ya, that's where I'll do it. Wait! I can't do it right now... my husband's surgery is in two days. He'll need me for the recovery period. He'll need my insurance for the follow up visits. I'll do it after that. My family hates my bird and my dogs so I can't go right now. I'll need to make sure they have good homes first. My husband came home today from an out of town trip and I told him how I've been feeling. He started blaming the kids. Everything is messed up in my life. He's a mental health nurse and he thinks that nothing is a big deal. How can he talk it through with hundreds of his patients but he can't see that I AM NOT THAT STRONG!? I told him everything this morning. I told him that I don't want to be alone because I'm afraid of myself right now. Know where he's at right now? His brother's house for a dinner party? Guess you have to keep up the appearances... can't cancel on the dinner party. He's supposed to tell them I have a migraine. My stomach hurts all the time. I cry in the shower. I cry going to work. I cry on the way home. I cry when no one is looking. Somehow, everyone thinks that I can handle it all. I keep telling my husband that I don't know how much more I can take. Why isn't he listening? The only time I don't cry is when I am thinking about how to end my life. I can feel a sense of peace. Is that how it is supposed to be? Why can't I find a single reason for myself to stay here? Why are all my reasons related to everyone around me? I thought I was a good person. I hate me.