It's getting worse...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by IamNOTstrong, Sep 2, 2007.

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  1. IamNOTstrong

    IamNOTstrong Member

    My depression is getting worse. My suicidal thoughts are constant now. I've gone so far as to pick the way I think I want to do it, plan it and I know where everything I need is located. Care to know why I don't do it?

    I don't want my kids to find me. My teenagers mean the world to me and I don't want them to be the one to find me. So I think to myself, I'll go somewhere that they won't find me. Then I'm afraid that some other kids will find me. I need to go deep in the woods... ya, that's where I'll do it. Wait! I can't do it right now... my husband's surgery is in two days. He'll need me for the recovery period. He'll need my insurance for the follow up visits. I'll do it after that. My family hates my bird and my dogs so I can't go right now. I'll need to make sure they have good homes first.

    My husband came home today from an out of town trip and I told him how I've been feeling. He started blaming the kids. Everything is messed up in my life. He's a mental health nurse and he thinks that nothing is a big deal. How can he talk it through with hundreds of his patients but he can't see that I AM NOT THAT STRONG!? I told him everything this morning. I told him that I don't want to be alone because I'm afraid of myself right now. Know where he's at right now? His brother's house for a dinner party? Guess you have to keep up the appearances... can't cancel on the dinner party. He's supposed to tell them I have a migraine.

    My stomach hurts all the time. I cry in the shower. I cry going to work. I cry on the way home. I cry when no one is looking. Somehow, everyone thinks that I can handle it all. I keep telling my husband that I don't know how much more I can take. Why isn't he listening? The only time I don't cry is when I am thinking about how to end my life. I can feel a sense of peace. Is that how it is supposed to be? Why can't I find a single reason for myself to stay here? Why are all my reasons related to everyone around me? I thought I was a good person. I hate me.
     
  2. silence1one

    silence1one Member

    Hi to IamNOTstrong,
    I understood what you said and what you are going through.The nearest and the dearest always reckon that is NO BIG DEAL for everything!!! I am in the same position as you.It took me a while to figure out that my man generally found this sort of feeling a bit "tough" to handle-so called emotional feeling.
    You actually sounded a very caring,thoughtful person - someone who cares a lot for her family.Unfortunately is people like us who sometimes find the going a bit tough to handle by ourselves.Since I have learnt how to choose to "detached" myself from situation and re-learn how to have quiet time for myself only - to take more care of myself.I wish you all the best.
     
  3. JustWatchMeChange

    JustWatchMeChange Well-Known Member

    It was funny reading how you can't die now because your husband has surgery coming up and will need your help and insurance. When I had surgery my wife just hoped I would die on the operating table and made me feel like a burden if I needed any help. Your husband is probably a lot better that me so that's probably why. Anyhow, I cry all the time too and caring about those around you is a good thing. Ever seen kids whose mom committed suicide. If not check it out before you catch the bus.
     
  4. IamNOTstrong

    IamNOTstrong Member

    Thank you both for replying. I know that my kids are a big reason I'm still here. Most of the time I feel like they would be better off without me. I just want to be free of this misery that I'm in now.
     
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